To my beloved (sweetcakes)

Thank you so much for everything. It has been hard this year, but WE MADE IT! We've fought a lot and gone through some very dark times, and I've done things that I am not very proud of. For that I am so very sorry, but only with you, would I want to be better about it. I know that I can be self-absorbed, selfish, and bratty, but you take in all in stride, kiss me on my forehead, and keep it moving. You know that I'll work it out in time, and when I can't, you get in my a** as required. I never like it, but I know if you're doing it, it's necessary. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, and just yuck, because I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT AND YOU KNOW IT! Ahem.

You have had to go through some things yourself this year, that I know weren't easy, and were scary. I'm proud of you for making it through, and though your smile was diminished, you didn't let it completely vanish. I'm proud of you, for not letting it beat you, and I love you for doing it for yourself, and even doing a little of it for me. Thank you. I don't know why you had to go through all that you did, and it made me angry, and I was scared, and felt alone. I was angry that all this was happening to you, because you've already suffered so much hurt, and it just wasn't fair. I didn't know why this was happening to you.... What were we supposed to be learning from this? I guess what I got, is that even though I'm angry at the situation, I can't take it out on you, and that you need me, just as much I as I need you. I guess that didn't really become so crystal clear until this year. I hope I got it in time so that you were at least comforted a little bit by my presence. I know it wasn't all rainbows, hearts, and kittens, and for that I'm sorry. I should have been better and thank you for forgiving me.

I thank you for being there for me during my moments of crisis, and soothing me, which is a near-impossible task. I get so worked up, that I can't see anything except doom and destruction, and there's no way that I will escape it. I was in tears and so unhappy for the first part of this year, and inconsolable, except for by you. Thank you for being my rock, my superhero, my everything. Thank you for holding me, for telling me it was going to be okay, thank you for holding my hand, letting the light in, and showing me that the world isn't such a horrible, awful, scary place. Thanks for helping me grow up (kind of), and showing me how to be a big girl. I still need work, but I am much less fearful, thanks to you.

But the end of this year, has brought the most shocking and overwhelming and AWE-SOME surprise. I guess I talked it up!! I was in shock, and still am, but more and more, I AM SO EXCITED by the fact that I am carrying OUR CHILD!!! WTF???? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I mean, I know HOW, but I mean what in the WORLD????? There is a little bit of me and a little bit of you, growing in my belly and, well, I'm starting to warm up to the idea! I'm also about to become a wife, which is weird. I've been with you so long, that well, I don't know. I've always thought of you as my s.o., my life partner, but husband? It's just going to put things in a different light, and I'm excited. To be a wife and a mother... WHAT? THE? F*CK??? IT IS SO BIZARRE!!! But exciting... Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm happy, just overwhelmed by all the changes coming my way, coming our way. We'll be okay right? I know we will... But you know me, I ALWAYS NEED REASSURING! I look forward to getting to know you better, to building a deeper, more connected, and understanding relationship. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you without all the haze of all the junk. I’m excited, because I feel like this is more for real, without a buffer (or excuses). It's been a rocky start, but since we talked, I think it will only get better.

I guess that's it. I love you baby, even though I don't act like it at times, and I know you maybe wondered, but know that I always do, and that I'm always EXTREMELY grateful. Thank you for being patient, kind, and just overall, a better person than me. I aspire to be like you one day when I grow up. ;-) I may get frustrated, I may get angry, but I can't imagine my world without you. I'd be so lost. Thank you, for choosing me, thank you for staying with me and all my CRAZY, and thank you for this baby. Thank you, and I love you, there aren't words really to express how much, but just imagine me standing there with my arms stretched WIIIIIIIIIDE OPEN, saying "THIS! MUCH!" I LUB YOU! That is all.

so much more lamer

i haven't written anything in 50 trillion years. i've been busy and stuff. right now i am currently and sick and gosh darnit, 3 readers, i'm going to say it out loud, pregnant. jeesh, i feel so much better already. i really wish i could take drugs, but alas, i want my baby to be fully formed and stop drooling after a certain age on it its own. knock on wood.

in any case, sweetcakes is working again, and we both get paid tomorrow. can i get an AMEN???!!! whew! it has been painful these past months, but now that he's working again, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is GLORIOUS my friends, glorious! my most pressing plans with my money? buying replacement filters for the humidifiers because, DAMN! it is dry as a MOFO in our apartment and my sinuses have decided to punish me, harshly. i don't even want to talk about what i've hawked up after clearing my sinuses.... lets just say that it had more texture than i would have liked, then ANYONE would have liked... it was damn near solid. TMI? my bad... i also read that this is normal during pregnancy, for you to feel like you have silly putty in all of your nasal cavities. so, greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

also, hormones are on high. i cry at commercials, i cried when reading christmas cards, i cry because my clothes are on the floor and i'm too lazy to pick them up. i just cry VERY EASILY and it is annoying as hell. i was already emotional to begin with, but this? this is just stupid. that is all i have to say about that.

also on the pregnancy front, i find that i am perpetually, constantly HUNGRY and hungry for JUNK FOOD! I WANT RIBS! HAMBURGERS! PIZZA! and every once in awhile, a salad. i had some orange juice and an apple today, so that's good right? i had mcdonald's for lunch yesterday, which kind of makes me ill to think about it, since i had CHICKEN MCNUGGETS the night before! and guess what i want for lunch today? MORE MEAT! it is sad... and disgusting. i need some more vegetables in my life. but they just aren't as delicious as juicy, savory, filling, meat. do you see? do you see what this alien has done to my brain? that could have been porno talk if you just read that out of context, but no, i'm talking about getting a gyro or something.... meaty. i'll feel better once i go grocery shopping and get some more healthy crap, but right now, i'm living it up, because i'm poor and i can only afford junk food. it's a damn shame. maybe i'll compromise and get subway....

in any case my beloved 3 readers, i'm alive and well, and been wanting to write, and finally said fuck it, i'm writing on my blog at work. THERE I SAID IT AND DID IT! SO.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

i know, i'm so lame...... baby steps (heh) people, baby steps.

question for you all 3 readers (leetle one, you are excluded, because i've asked you before and you are LAME!): how does one tell there strict, old-fashioned father (who you love to death), that you're pregnant (and unmarried, but ENGAGED)? please help. i gotta do it soon....

i can't stop....

EATING!

seriously, it's like the "full" sensor is broken, and i cannot stop. luckily i can still fit in my clothes, on the small end, and i still have no idea how... it is a small (LARGE) miracle...

i ate SO much this weekend... chipotle on friday, carrabba's on saturday and PAPA JOHN'S on sunday... seriously, i feel sick just thinking about it. then when i try to eat something healthy my vomit sensors kick in. i was just telling my sister that last when i ate some vegetable crudites my gag reflex was starting to kick in... it was ROUGH! i'm not even being funny... i think i overdid it a couple of weeks ago, and now, the thought of salads and carrot sticks make me want to call earl.... so, now i am apparently making up for all the "healthy" before... please help me.

then tonight, pooks cooked some DELICIOUS pasta, which i had seconds of, and then i had about 10-15 spoonfuls of haagen dazs... i have GOT to start walking.... or else i am going to be the size of a whale soon.... but i did eat some yogurt and a pear today, so that's good right?

in other news, i um, use baby powder as a part of my daily regimen... so, why did i apparently put SO MUCH on, that when pooks saw something on the back of my pants, he batted my behind, which promptly produced a small CLOUD of baby powder. ummmm, yeah, i had a case of the mondays... so i obviously changed. i was half asleep this morning b/c i could NOT go to sleep last night, because i COULD NOT get comfortable...it was miserable. then to add insult to injury.... i ate two servings of ice cream yesterday... and i would like to note that i am lactose-intolerant, so it was fun for EVERYBODY last night. especially pooks! heh.

lastly, i would like each and everyone of you (all 3 of you) to call your siblings (if you have them) and tell them you love them. one of my best friends lost her brother this morning... he didn't tell anyone how sick he was, so no one was prepared... meeehhhhhhhh. so sad.

so leetle one, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU! SO! VERY! MUCH!

i apologize for the rambling, disjointed post... it will get better. just breaking this thing back in... :-)

i'm so lame

i haven't written in ages...

it's been crazy. i'll try to write more regularly. i PROMISE! but right now, i have a date with some brownies and a glass of milk. i told you it's been WILD over here!

i lub you 3 readers... a whole bunch!

Addendum: definition of love

quoted from Paradise, by Toni Morrison:

"The cross he held was abstract; the absent body was real, but both combined to pull humans from backstage to the spotlight, from muttering in the wings to the principal role in the story of their lives. This execution made it possible to respect - freely, not in fear - one's self and one another. Which was what love was: unmotivated respect."

unmotivated respect....wow.

whaddup?

i know i haven't been around for AWHILE. shame on me... i apologize to all 3 of my "regular" readers...

things that have been going on with me:

• dealing with the health issues of my sweetcakes.
• after dealing with health issues of my sweetcakes, chillin' the FUCK out.
• still chillin'.
• doing a lot of cooking... good stuff. my 3 readers can attest to that.
• improving my sh*t at work, getting on everyone's good side... just cuz. it's better that way.
• drinking shitloads of and becoming addicted to (again) coffee. starbucks french roast to be exact.... it's "extra bold", like me!
• not exercising.
• hanging out with my sister and her (our) crazy-ass friends. and laughing a lot. and ice-luge-ing...which is in a word, AWESOME!
• and constipation. despite eating double fiber bread, fiber one bars, and as of late, eating more vegetables.

in regards to the last issue, methinks that the handfuls of chocolate m&m's i shove into my mouth by the fistful after eating a healthy dinner, aren't helping. but they're SO good! they do their job and melt in my mouth! don't be nasty.... but it's SO good!

anyhoodle... today was a blah day. it was slow at work, due to 9/11. the day still messes with me. i try not to let it overwhelm me, but i know the tears are coming. i was so ANGRY that day. when i rode past the pentagon and saw it smoldering, i was angry. "how dare they?! in my country?! in my backyard?!" my dad used to work there, my dad at that time, still walked its halls occasionally. it was too close.

and while i was angry, i felt protective of every person of middle eastern descent. i wanted to wrap my arms around them, and tell them, "i'm so sorry, i know this isn't you." they have been some of the most kind, warm, and HONEST people i have ever had the fortune to know. and the fact that i had that warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart, despite the transgressions of their distant countrymen, let me know that we can move on, and build together. we do not have to cleave to the misgivings of our forefathers, of our fathers.

let's move on folks, let's move on. i'm tired of the same shit, and i'm concerned about the fate of this country if we don't move on from what we know, to what we should be doing. if we don't, this country will be shot to shit. let's respect the foundation our forefathers, and fathers built and use it as a platform to shift the paradigm that we depend upon for our bearings. our collective idea of this country, whether you want to admit it or not, is huge part of who we are, individually. we are americans, again, whether we like it or not, and our stance in the world affects our daily steps. quite frankly, our pride. don't get it twisted, i'm really, fucking, PROUD to be an american. that being said, i really care about the state of her, america, and i see right now that she's really sick. she needs our help, our care, our attention, our DEDICATION!

let's stick with what we know works and move towards solutions for the things that are broken. let's stop being stubborn and holding onto the whole "us vs. them" mentality. in the words of the poetic and hopefully prophetic rodney king, "can't we all just get along?" can't people allow their minds to move past stereotypes and to seek fellowship amongst each other? can't we soothe, hush, and embrace and let each other know it's going to be okay?

i'm tired. you know, you can put lipstick on a pig, and it will look prettier. particularly if it has full lips.

lub y'all.

nostalgia

i long for cursive-script, swirly, sunday mornings... where the sun shines on the dust that floats through the stillness...

you inhale and exhale and watch the swirl pattern of the air alter and change for your intrusion...into the calm that was your former unconsciousness...

you note the shift, and stir slightly only to dig yourself deeper into the alternative... ignorant bliss. choosing not to be aware or a part of the madness that surely accompanies moving amongst our own kind. tired.

yet you rally and gather your reserves and face the day with memories of how much fun everything else was and is.

then, there is an instinctive pause... something is off...

no one else is bustling about at this hour, and you notice how the air is still. bewildered and bemused, you begin your motions.

swing your feet around,
place them on the floor,
gain your bearings,
rise,
walk...

the possibilities after those universal steps are endless...

you gain your bearings...

the 5-day weather forecast indicates that it is still indeed the weekend.

the edges soften, and the corners of your eyes release. you dig in a little deeper.

ah. ignorant bliss. yet for one more day.

flavor: delicious

sad.

i had planned to write a funny post about poop... and even just typing that makes me feel horrible for starting out that way.

today, one of the people that i actually admire and look up to, just as a person, passed away. tim russert... it hurts worse than i thought it was going to, as i typed that name and as the reality sets in.

i just can't even believe he's gone and feel lost without his presence. he was fair and truthful, and only spoke to the facts. there was no bias and he was equally hard on everyone who tried to stay in the gray, muddied water. he made all those who are responsible for us, be responsible for their words and actions, and answer to their wards. this included everything: poor ideas, unfortunate words, and lies, whether they be outright or by omission. he made everyone accountable. there were no easy passes for anyone who encountered him.

what makes it even harder is KNOWING how hard and how strongly he loved his family. they were his world, and i'm sure he was theirs. he was a man of faith and a man of dedication, passion, and more importantly, i think, a man of compassion. i think his drive, fervor, and outright LOVE for the world of politics was an extension of the love he had for his neighbor, literally and metaphorically.

he cared about us, and he cared about the world we lived in, and made sure that we were aware of what was going on in the world around us, and what our leaders were doing about it. he made us feel that we all counted, and that we deserved the right to know the truth and the real answers. he made us see, at the risk of sounding cheesy/corny, how wonderful this system of checks and balances, accountability, and chosen representatives, in its essence, and true intent, truly is. we are fortunate, despite the many things we are currently experiencing due to people making illogical, desperate, and rashly formed decisions. we at least have the system in place to elect and run a truly representative and capable government. that's what it seems, was tim russert's greatest wish. to share with us, the true, pure, and intended ideals of our country's forefathers. he had the gift of truly imprinting in us, the significance of what those ideals stood for.

as a black woman and citizen of this country, i am truly grateful for the opportunities that my citizenship has afforded me. though we still have a LONG way to go, i can honestly say, that i wouldn't trade being on team 'MERICA for the world. it is truly and honor and a privilege to say, that i'm proud to be an AMERICAN (cue lee greenwood).

thank you tim russert, for your dedication to us. thank you for caring. thank you for making us care. thank you for allowing us the opportunity to experience your exacting insight, relentless determination, astounding brilliance, and most importantly, your genuine and blessedly, transparent integrity. we could see that you were good, earnestly and honestly GOOD, through and through. you were and will remain, one of the shining examples of THE BEST that this country has to offer. God bless you and I hope your Homecoming is as wondrous as your faith and service. i pray that your family will be comforted, somewhat by the fact, that you are in the presence of God. how awesome and well-earned...

hug the ones you love y'all... always remember, it could be worse. regardless of what you believe or don't believe, tomorrow is never promised. i would like to share a bit of advice that i read on a mug, of a departed, dearly loved, widely-respected co-worker and unfortunately, i didn't get to know him that well. but i think the fact that this mug , that he prominently displayed, speaks volumes: "be the person that your dog (or cat) thinks you are." live your life the way you would want to be remembered, and on that note, always remember to wear clean underwear.... ;-)

have a great weekend, and if you still have your dad in your life or if he's still a part of your life.... SMOTHER HIM with praises, love, and hugs and kisses... daddies are awesome... i know my daddy is. :-)

question?

why is it that you always KILL at jeopardy when you're alone? i mean, you are answering at least 90% of the questions correctly, and no one is there to witness the majesty of your intellect! this happened to me tonight, and i even got the FINAL JEOPARDY question right!! and i was all by my lonesome.... wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. boo. oh well, it's the same as always, i'm the only one who knows that i'm brilliant.

so, sweetcakes caught the same virus again, and you know, it was awesome. i got to hear someone hurl every hour or so. unfortunately, it affected me differently then it did last time, and i was very, um, queasy about the whole affair. i think that because it lasted so long last time, i just got used to it, but, this time, i found, i could not eat my doritos while hearing my beloved call earl. and they were the zesty taco/chipotle ranch flavor too! alas, it wasn't meant to be... really no type of food was really meant to be. i guess if sweetcakes was going to suffer, i was too. this was of particular suckage because we had just gone to safeway and purchased some fantastic 1-in thick ribeyes, some fresh (sweet) corn on the cob, and some fabulous baking potatoes. i grilled and baked everything up, and poor sweetcakes tasted none. he made it as far as putting some on the plate, but did not even get to taste it, for the scourge had happened upon him, and i as his nurse, had no solace to offer... other than uttering the most poetic and sage words that one can speak... "it's gonna be okay." i am SO prophetic and brilliant.

so we hung out in the ER last night, and i got to hear some things that really helped put things in perspective. i saw a pregnant lady, with some sort of scare, and she and her family were terrified. they waited for good news, and i waited along with them. i heard a young man, who was in the bed behind sweetcakes (the beds were lined up in the hallway), speak of how he had just gotten off of chemotherapy, after overcoming some type of lymphoma. he was just 22 years old, about to turn 23. i heard a young woman, who previously was stationed behind sweetcakes, state that her birth year was 1972, and she had already suffered a heart attack, and was back in the ER due to some cardiac irregularities/pains. mercy...

the one who stole my heart, was an old woman, who had blocked intestines, and was in GREAT discomfort, but was as sweet as could be. she lavished her affections on the nurses, drank nasty pre-CAT scan fluids with no complaint, and then with great joy and fervor, told the nurse and doctor that she had 3! BOWEL! MOVEMENTS! within the last 15-20 minutes. she even described the consistency, bless her heart. in case you were wondering, and i know you were, 2 were "solid" and the last one "was mostly fluid". she also went on to lament the hour of the day, because it was too late for her to have her martini. in short, she was adorable and i wish i had gotten to know her, because we would have definitely been homegirls. i too, would wail in anguish if i was severely constipated and not able to have my nightly libations.... i would also share with everyone, in detail, the quality of my stools and proclaim loudly that "i suffer from chronic constipation!" it's all about being yourself, you know?

but for serious though, i saw how we all share the frailty that is the human condition. it sucks. i just was sitting there praying that i didn't see anything horrible, as we were parked by the trauma rooms. i definitely did not want to hear the melodramatic, long, unbroken sound of a heart monitor tracking the beat of a heart that was no longer beating. i did see the humanity and kindness of nurses and doctors on an unusually busy day, and i also saw the callow and nonchalant attitudes of young, cocky, ASSHOLES who were just there because they had to be. that's the scary part... you never know which one you're going to get.

i had to beg for a barf bucket for sweetcakes, as he sat there and held his vomit in his mouth, so as to not dirty himself or inconvenience others. the resident i asked, casually strolled from room to room, looking for a bucket/tray/whatever, and i was this close to putting him in the ER, and not as an employee. i then had to search and ask for someone to give sweetcakes a new bucket, so he didn't have to sit there and hold it, and mind his own barf, as there was nowhere to put it, since he was lined up in the HALLWAY! i know you medical professionals are busy, but one question, what if it was you? how would you feel about suffering the same indignity? methinks you would be instantly humbled... so! once sweetcakes was feeling somewhat better, all he had to do was provide some pee and we could go. once he proffered the golden ticket, we were soon on our way.

i learned a couple of things last night. that number one, i HATE seeing sweetcakes in a hospital bed/gown with an iv. it sucks hairy, shitty, goat balls. it is an image that i hope to never see again. number b, oh, i mean 2, i realize how blessed we are, even though sweetcakes was miserable, he was relatively healthy compared to what was going on around us. number 3, augusten burroughs is a funny mofo. magical thinking, is all i'm saying. it's hilarious, and allowed me to keep my sanity, and not focusing and worrying too much about the people around me. not because i'm cold and impersonal, but because of the exact opposite. i felt their pain, and wanted to help and soothe... but i was helpless. just like i was with sweetcakes. it sucks all sorts of hairy, shitty balls...

but sometimes, it's not up to you, it's not in your hands, it's nothing you can control... the question is... how do you handle it?

i'd like to think that i've been handling it well...

the days after

E-mail sent to my sister, who shares my sorrow in regards to office building climate control:

"Subject: WHYYYYYYYY?

MUST IT BE 40 BELOW ZERO IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?????? I have my space heater (on as high as it can go) damn-near shoved up my a**, and I have on sleeves, under a sweater, and I'm about to drape another sweater over that...

Seriously, it does not need to be this cold, for any reason whatsoever... I mean is somebody making ice cream or chocolates around here? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Am I working in the walk-in at some restaurant? Seriously, I don't need to refrigerate sh*t around here...I can leave it on my desk. Actually, it might be warmer on the refrigerator... Something might turn into a block of ice if I leave it out here...."

i said d-d-d-dam-m-m-mi-t-t-t-t (teeth chattering), it’s COOOOOOOLD!

So, the days after the Big Push, ’08 have been quite blah and vanilla. I’ve been eating a high fiber diet, and that has really been the highlight of my days… Wondering how long I can sit at my desk with out spontaneously combusting from the processing of raw vegetables and high fiber bread/snacks. You can hear the creaks and bubbles, and uh… it’s kind of embarrassing… how do you play that off? Do you say, “ooh, excuse me! I have gas!” which makes it seem like you just farted in front of someone, or do you keep it in and make everyone quiet, and everyone who is in a 20-30 foot radius, will think that you have wailing banshees residing in your intestines? oh, such a quandary.... Heh... I just realized that in the first sentence I wrote the "Big Push". I'm not constipated! I just have been going through a lot of shit... or whatever... YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!! assholes...

So I got my tax stimulus check, and yeah, it’s already gone… :-( I’m trying to debate on whether I save some for spending, or put it all towards debt. I think part of it is going to end up going to towards my credit cards…. Then the rest may be spent on a manicure/pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten) and maybe some sort of new gear.

My clothes really suck right now, I actually quite loathe them. They are old, and plain, and now… drumroll please…. TOO FUCKING BIG! Now, I know that I will soon be humbled when I walk into my nearest retail establishment, because during the one time I go shopping, which is like every 5 years or so… (sad, but true), the size numbers have decreased exponentially and what I thought I could wear size-wise, is now has the proper proportions to fit 0-2 year olds… they may as well put that on the label, and quit jerking us around... or i could stop trying to shop in the children's section...

it’s a cruel, cruel thing… but dammit, I’m big boned-ed… it’s already bad enough that I can’t find anything that does nothing but drape and fall and is cut TOO DAMN BIG!! Also adding insult to injury, is that nothing is truly cute, and nothing is on sale. Walking on the back of my pants, not being able to see the shape of my ass through all the fabric puddling at the top of my thighs, and wearing the same damn black cardigan almost EVERY DAY, is really sucking. I stand in the full length mirror like and pretend I have Stacy and Clinton (from “What Not To Wear”) standing behind me, and I grab the extra folds of fabric and say it to myself like they do “LOOK AT YOU!! YOU’RE NOT THAT BIG!!” and then I dream of the money and the lifestyle that must be possible in order to get your shit tailored… cuz mama doesn’t have it right now… mama barely has it to get dry cleaning done…It does nothing for the self esteem… I need some new shit. But now that I think about it, I really should wait until I lose a smidge more… just for shits and giggles... and my sanity... so that I can be CERTAIN that i fit in what used be a size 16, and is now truly cut for a junior's size 0. what size 16 bitches do you know whose total thigh circumference equals 13 mm?? yeah, that's what i thought... moving ON!

I’m sitting here torn right now as to whether I wash my hair and shave my legs OR exercise AND wash my hair AND shave my legs…. This is such an earth-shattering decision because it is THURSDAY people!! GOOD SHIT COMES ON TV!!! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!! LOST!!! I know I have DVR, but it’s no fun watching it after everyone has already had their yuks and gotten their jollies… you snooze, you lose, you know what i'm sayin'? We’ll see, I have to stop at the grocery store too on the way home, so that may steal all my thunder and then we’ll be lucky if I shave my legs… pray for your souls.

I think I shall compromise… I shall wash my hair and shave my legs and do yoga… later in the evening… I don’t think I’m stretched out or limber enough to do cardio without being in serious pain and I want to go out dancing tomorrow night. Even with a 3 OR 573 beers in me, it still counts as cardio when you’re dancing your ass off right?

Yeah…. That’s the ticket! Hee!

clap on!*

So I didn't do the yoga this morning, and that's okay, because I was TY-RED and needed to sleep. I'm still tethered to the computer on stand-by, in case my boss needs me, so yay.

Hate to be redundant, but I really hate anxiety… I cannot see looking at myself in the mirror with gray hairs framing my face, and wrinkles and crevices well established and hopefully well placed on my face, and saying to myself, “God, Michelle! You cannot keep FUCKING UP like this!” I hate worrying about EVERY DECISION I MAKE! I'm slowly learning that some choices are just black and white and not everything is gray. So gray that I need paint swatches to figure out what exactly what kind of gray I'm looking at... and even then, what do I do? I'm learning that I do not have to be neurotic about every, single, little, thing....

The funny thing about growing up is that I know with certainty that there are things that you don’t want to do, like get fired from a job, or drink and drive. Some things I’ve learned from experience and some from watching from afar. But it's the little, nagging things that can blow up into MONUMENTAL! COLOSSAL! CATASTROPHES! I think that is the most important thing that I’ve learned as of late. You can't let the little things go for too long, or else, it WILL come back and bite you in the butt. There are still some nibblers out there, trying to get up there and take a chunk out of my ass (please do by the way, there’s plenty to go ‘round), but I’ve taken care of the major ones. The little scavengers I’ll have to go back and take care of, because that’s all I can do right now, because I unable to kick those little shits to the curb at the moment, and I’m okay with that. That’s the price I have to pay for letting them go too long without taking care of things immediately or when I could have easily. I’m okay with that too… Like the Jay-Z song says, “in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…”

I’m okay with how I’ve lived my life, I think, because otherwise, I would have never gotten to this place of clarity and understanding of what I need to do in order to keep sane and live somewhat happily. Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been baptized by fire, and I’ve been have been burned. It has been so difficult and so dark, but right now, it feels like a switch has been turned on. I’ve seen the light, and I feel so stupid for not seeing the switch the whole damn time. But in my defense, it was dark... and we've all fumbled around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, and thought, "Where is the G.D., muthaf'n, LIGHT SWITCH???!!!" You get all exasperated, and then wander around the room in darkness and go back to where you started, reach out along the wall, and BAM! THERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME! duh.

But hey, at least I found it, so whew! Just wish it hadn't taken me so long, cuz I've got shit TO DO!

Right now I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, and removing the talons and scales from my feet at some point so I can wear my footwear of choice during the weekends, flip flops... Oh how I love thee.... You are the best invention ever, except for when it's raining outside and you get all slick and I end up only walking on half of you because you won't stay under my foot and I end up stepping on a hard, sharp rock... Other than that? You are perfection... I can't wait for us to get aquainted again... You know, that is if the weather around here decides to get itself out of a funk and stop being a stubborn asshole, and act like what it's supposed to... you know SPRING, ALMOST SUMMER! fucker... i stopped shaving my legs last week, because really, what's the point? It's too cold to wear a skirt and my office building engineers think it's appropriate to have the climate control set to ARCTIC GALE FORCE WINDS! So yeah, weather, I need an assist from you.... I'm tired of my fingers being blue....

Well! I'm really excited for my evening to begin... it includes some slightly inebriated rolling around on the floor (yoga), and hanging out in the living room, watching the excitement that is my work e-mail inbox... I KNOW! You are so jealous, right? You totally want my life....

*i totally own a clapper too, because I am a LAZY motherfucker... but we unplugged it, because if you just coughed, all sorts of shit would go on and off... sigh... I still think it's genius though....

y'all....

i just did yoga... at home... on my floor with my new, stinky, yoga mat... it was FUCKIN' AWESOME! i feel so good right now, no shittin'!

yeah, so, i COMPLETELY overreacted and went into hyperdrive, and told myself that my life was coming to an end.... i tend to lean towards being slightly dramatic at times. hey, it runs in the family. i told myself (knew) that it was going to be okay, because i knew that i wouldn't have come this far and worked this hard only to crash and burn. but still, it was scary! and you know, i'm suffering through my monthlies, soooo... things tend to be EXTREMELY exaggerated and i tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive... it sucks.

i apologized to all affected by my madness yesterday, and i made a decision to walk away from it. to walk away from anxiety. i can't do it anymore. i actually felt it affect me physically yesterday, and yo! that shit is NOT COOL! tightness in chest, not cool. dizziness, not cool. racing heartbeat, not cool. i cannot continue to stress like that and stay alive. the two things are not compatible.

so! i grabbed my little one, and headed down to target and used her expertise to help me to select a yoga dvd. cuz i really need some peace, stretchiness, and calm, soothing voices in my life right now. the best part was the end, when you go all gimpy on the floor... just straight immobile. that shit was DOPE! literally and metaphorically... i haven't felt that chill or that peaceful in AGES. my back's all loose and tingly, and all i want to do is fall asleep with a smile on my face, and press play on the AM version in the morning.

y'all...

whatever you're going through right now, just know that you can always be surprised. just when you think the end is nigh, a new beginning pops up out of nowhere. just when you thought that it couldn't get any! worse! it gets all fantastic and shit. even if the source of joy is just laying on the floor, and experiencing a sudden and sharp reminder of where your hamstrings are, the real prize is being able to just breathe in.... and breathe out. over and over again...

TORTURE

is what i'm going through right now. if i'm going to be honest with this blogging thing, i gotta do what i gotta do. i stayed away because shit was still fucked up and i didn't want this to become a doom and gloom, constantly in despair type of thing.... but FUCK! i gotta let some stuff off of my chest.

welp, for starters, i'm in a very precarious place at my job, and well, it just sucks. i just get over and through what i thought was the worst part and now there is a new black cloud in the horizon. and it is a HUGE unknown... best part, we find out the answers first thing tomorrow morning! the anxiety is crippling.

next best part, we are currently writing a proposal that is, you know, basically for our jobs. we are currently the long standing incumbents for a particular client, and our shit went up for rebid. i have worked the last at least 40 overtime hours in the last 6 days, and that includes 2 full days over the weekend. i am STRESSED AS FUCK!!!

then my parents are out of town and my sister and i are responsible for "looking after" the house. that means driving 26 miles one way, or 52 miles round trip, to my parents' house every 3-4 days. i drive a car that requires premium (plus) grade gas.... you do the fucking math.

sweetcakes and i just bickered... my little one is was just fighting on the phone with her S.O., and i'm on my period, with a weird muscle spasm-y thing on my left side, just under my bra on the side of my ribs... am i having a heart attack? i certainly hope the fuck not. but it's just tight and generally annoying... the stress... the stress....... THE MOTHERFUCKING STRESS!!!

i'm keeping it together, but it is SO hard... i want to cry but i can't, i just want to step off the world, but i can't, i want to stay home and have a mental health day, but i can't, i want to win $50B and leave all this bullshit behind, but that is never going to happen... i just want out of this madness right now... not life itself, but my life's current situation. i just want to fast forward to the older, wiser part, and dispense my sage advice to young whippersnappers who are at my age/crisis point right now... letting them know that it will all turn out in the end, just look at me!

lawd have mercy y'all.... for reals. i need it. i want to get to the older, wiser part, and know that i was strong enough to get through this, and that i wasn't that much of a fuck-up at the time, and not have to have a menstrual cycle that causes my hormones and anxiety to jump into severe hyperdrive. i want to be the old lady sipping green tea while wearing my birkenstocks and worn-in gardening jeans, on my back deck/patio, while sweetcakes putters around the yard with the lawnmower... i want to know that i have what it takes... that it will be okay.... and that i made it.

solemn

i still have a hurdle of anxiety i need to jump. the occasion for it's resolution occurs tomorrow. i'm SO tired of drama y'all. seriously, i'm growing weary.

mike went to the hospital, via ambulance today, so welp, that was awesome. he's okay, it's a gastrointestinal infection, and he's home, but lawd, the drama, the DRAMA! it did not add too many points to my scale of well-being today. in fact, it made the levels drop a bit. i was at work and helpless to do anything, because i couldn't leave work. i wasn't happy about it, and wasn't happy leaving it all to his mother. i don't think i need to explain why, it just didn't feel good. she's not a bad person, i just felt inadequate.

i saw some of my girlfriends tonight, so that was cool. we had a few drinks, and somehow i ended up walking out of the bar without a bill. i have awesome friends.

so tomorrow, my final hurdle to cross before i can finally see a clear horizon. i'm praying and i am all nerves. i can't be too flippant about things in my life. it has never worked out in my advantage, so i take EVERYTHING seriously. so, i hope and pray with all my might, that tomorrow will just only provide a little jostle, and that i continue to can move on with trying to figure things out, without having to COMPLETELY regroup. all i have to say is PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSE!

whew, enough of that.

to tomorrow and the future.

amen.

ouch

you know, nursing a sick person back to health costs money. every time i go to buy something, i feel like a gambler. i'm like, "come on! mama needs $14.44!!" i pray that it clears....i've bought so much crap, probably gallons of gatorade, alka seltzer, chamomile tea, valerian root capsules, emetrol, saltines, lysol, clorox wipes, etc., etc. whew, i am POOR! i really hope and pray he gets better soon. like tomorrow.

the thing that really sucks, is that because he doesn't have health insurance, we would probably have to pay out of pocket for treatment. we don't have those funds... so his mother, has volunteered if he really needs to go. yeah, that's making me feel so awesome. it's not that his mother is a horrible person, and that i dread this, but i feel horrible that i'm not able to take care of him on my own. it sucks to have to reach out to the parents.

my hands are dry from washing them constantly, and i have found that the scent of crisp linen lysol isn't so bad, as long as you don't walk into it with your mouth open. and i can now eat bacon and sausage while listening to someone violently empty the contents of their stomach. i don't know how that will come into handy in the future, but it might! like if i enter a bacon and strawberry milkshake eating/drinking contest. if i can get past the sound of everyone else hurling, i can DO IT! and i now know that emetrol, which is for babies, may or may not help adults with nausea. i can take the emetrol if the bacon and strawberry milkshakes aren't going down to well.... i will dominate! if not, then everything that comes up will be a violent shade of pink.

i've been calling his mother to give her updates and just sitting out front, medicating myself with beverages containing varying levels of alcohol content. i guess that's pretty stupid, especially if he needs to go to the hospital, but hey, i'm stressed to the max and i'm living it up! lawd have mercy, y'all. i am just tired.

i miss my fiance who is in quarantine, which he has been placed on by me, because i can't miss work. i am kind of loving my job, because it is paying my bills, but i am so very bored by it. and we temporarily have a guy with a severe case of dumb ass who is filling in for our customer while he's in school. he randomly sends out e-mails and tells you to handle it, and provides no history. when you go to ask him about what he just sent, he asks you if he has his shoes on the right feet. he doesn't have two right feet, he's just asking for confirmation as to whether the curvy part on the inside of the shoe matches with the inside of your feet. i'm this close to getting a fat-ass marks-a-lot and putting a "L" and an "R" on the appropriate shoes. and then mixing it up, to see if he can tell the difference (i doubt it) that, and pinning/stringing his mittens together and pinning a note to his teacher on his coat to tell him that this motherfucker is stoop-id. and to please forgive the clomping, but i can't get this dumb fuck to remember the difference between left and right, let alone putting his shoes on the right feet, and wearing a PAIR of shoes at once. not a wooden clog and a sneaker.....

so, maybe i'm exaggerating a little, but i'm not lying when i tell you he sends e-mails to people, with the same attachments that were sent to him, and asks people to print them out and submit them to review. let's all say it together now.... wwwwwwwoooooooooooowwwwww! yeah, it's been T-riffic! i jest (not really), but i need my job, so i'm grateful that i can work for someone who probably needs someone to shake his dick after he's taken a piss. he probably also needs assisting with wiping his ass, so it could be worse. i could be his wife or a home-aid nurse..... moving on... jeesh, can you tell i'm on edge?

despite all this tedium and difficulty, i have seen some funny shit. for instance, i saw this girl running across the bridge, across the tidal basin, and i guess her boob engineering/support wasn't doing the job. she kept making faces, and tenderly touching or, depending on your threshold for pain, sharply jabbing her under-boob area, as she ran. i was almost expecting her to smell her fingers "superstar!" style. it was comic gold, because i couldn't figure out how three fingers being constantly jabbed into your underbreast, on both sides, was going to solve the problem. in fact, i think it would exacerbate the issue, you know, with the PAIN and shit....but, whatever, it wasn't me, and i wasn't the asshat jogging around DC letting everyone know that i like to jab my boobies sharply with my fingers, and, also letting everyone know that i'm not intelligent enough to buy a proper sports bra. that works. she was a b-cup max, people.... it was sad....i can only imagine her ad on craigslist....

so, everybody, please send prayers, thoughts, and hope our way. we need it, and i really hope sweetcakes is just suffering from a virus and nothing more serious. let's hope sweetcakes has a good night of sleep and that i can get back into my bedroom in the near future. because, the futon is really doing nothing for my back. and i miss my baby. i'm even scared to kiss him because i can't afford to miss work. for both of us.

meeeeeehhhhhhh. and happy monday everyone. here's to a better week (taking a sip of cocktail)!!!

road rash

you know, i've found over the past few months that just when you think it can't get worse, it does. but i'm okay. i've nailed down a few things, things that i've had to make certainties. there are things that i've had to establish in order to keep my sanity. it really has not been easy.

some things have gotten better and improved, but it's always what's right around the corner that scares me. right now, two of my very good friends face a very uncertain future, and i'm so very sad and scared for them. it affects my whole circle of friends, and we've all been pretty upset. then just to add insult to injury, as we're all coming to grips with what will be a very different future, sweetcakes is in the bed with a HORRIBLE stomach virus. i have some chicken broth and noodles on the stove in case he's feeling brave enough. he hasn't been able to keep anything down and so very uncomfortable.

money's tight right now, and well, right now sweetcakes doesn't have health insurance. going to an emergency room or urgent care center would be very costly. also, they wouldn't be able to do much about a virus. i did some research on the interwebs and talked to the pharmacist at cvs, and my mother, and all said he's just going to have to suffer. meh. it' s so awesome to hear him hurling into a trash bag every 2-3 hours. i got him some unisom so he can sleep, he hasn't been able since friday night. let's hope for the best.

i'm here, i'm present, i'm on autopilot. all i do is hope and pray and rely on faith. that's all i can do right now, and it's very humbling. so, i give my all to my faith, and lean on it. and by faith, i mean in every sense of the word. i have faith that everything will be alright. i just have to be patient and learn all that i can from this period in my life. i know things will get better, and i also know that as i ride down this road before me, there's always going to be a chance for injury. it stings, it burns, it can leave scars. but, as long as i have all my parts intact, i'll be okay.

AWOL

so sorry.... for the 3 of you who read me. life has been a bitch lately and i'm doing all that i can not to lose my shit. once the dust settles, which should be later this week i'll stop by and say what's up. hope all is well for everyone else.

the hills are alive...

okay.... so under heavy medication, i.e., vodka and mucinex, i'm watching the hills season premiere on mtv. all i have to say is wow, those are some lucky bitches. you can hate on their shallow personalities all you want, but these bitches are in PARIS! IN FABULOUS CLOTHES!! WITH ARTSY PEOPLE!! AND SEEING THE EIFFEL TOWER LIT UP AND DRINKING CHAMPANGE! hoooowww, good peoples, can i fucking hate on that? truth is, i'm jealous.... straight up, green with envy.

and SPENCER!!! i don't think i have words dirty enough to say how i feel....but i will try. i think he is only fit to clean the smegma of a leperous man's dick. with his tongue (spencer's, not the leppy guy).

that being said, i had a better day today. my head felt less cement-y, but apparently, i still looked like death (EVEN WITH UNDEREYE CONCEALER). i was asked how i was feeling and i said a little better, and they said, "yeah, i can still see it in your face." awesome. this was particularly a sincerely appreciated comment, because i actually made an effort to put on makeup and look presentable. all i could do was just nod my head and say, "yeeeaaah."

my boss and i kind of made up, particularly because he told me that the executive assistant always spells his name wrong, and it becomes "furlick"*. yeah, i had a snotty giggle over that (i had to catch dual snot strands in my palm). but it was so worth it, because, come on.... FURLICK! that is good for giggles for DAYS!

in other news, pooks is out with the boys and i'm left to my own devices for a few hours. hopefully i won't maim myself (knock on wood).

oh, and one quick thing before i go.

*rant on*

i can't stand george w. i can't even watch him on the news or hear his voice because it raises my blood pressure at an alarming rate. so, i got snuck up on this morning while ironing my pants and my back was turned to the tv. i heard them say that bush gave a speech to state that the 4,000 servicemen/women who have served and died over in iraq, have NOT DIED IN VAIN! that pissed me off so bad that i gritted my teeth so hard IT HURT! how can someone be so obtuse and stubborn? it is seriously dumbfounding, pun intended. i hope that in the years, decades to come, that we learn from this. we can't just bring someone in because of pedigree... we've got to see these people for who and what they are, and be honest.

i understand the strong undercurrent of hope in this election, but we MUST be more objective and studious in our choices come this fall. it's already fucked up for us now...let's not fuck it up for our children. because, our next choice for president, will reverberate throughout generations. we are at a precipice, like the yodel dude on price is right. don't be overly optimistic and push him over the edge. be a shrewd american... it's time for us to step up and have our voices heard and seriously fight for what we believe in. it's not mommy and daddy's issue anymore.

just so you know, i haven't made up my mind yet, but this is seriously the most gut-wrenching decision for me. and i hope that this time, my vote actually counts.

*rant off*

hope urrbody has a good wed-nes-day.

*furlick - spelling totally changed to protect my job.

clogged up

that is basically the description of my day. i have the beginnings of something that feels similar to cement hardening in all of my sinuses, and a vague soreness and tickle-y cough in my throat. my ears feel as if i've jammed erasers in them, and my eyes look as if i've looked into the soul of the devil. in short, i am feeling FABULOUS!

i was vaguely present throughout the day at work, and looked forward to easing my cement-addled mind into a glorious world of surfing the web. THEN, dun-dun-dunnnnnn! we get an e-mail that we are no longer allowed to surf the internet casually and that violators' names would be sent to the DIRECTOR OF THE AGENCY! yikes... so, i went to a few sites, but didn't press my luck.

then, my boss decides to let his neck twist 360 degrees and proceeds to act like he really needed me to realign his head. with my fist(s). and he knew i was feeling poorly. in short it was so FUCKING AWESOME for a MONDAY!

but i had a great weekend, and perhaps i even jinxed myself when i said saturday morning, with all my "chilrun" around me, "this moment will make monday worth it." that being said, i was horribly wrong, but just now thinking about it, kind of makes the suffering worthwhile. i had a great weekend and did all the things that i wanted to do. even if it ended up being painful in the end, and walking around like a zombie in a fog (even WITH undereye concealer), on fumes of the aforementioned, worthwhile weekend.

oh well, all i can do is just wish for a better day tomorrow. and make sure that i'm clearheaded enough to tell my boss to kiss my ass in a polite way. and then right when he puckers up, i'll make sure i'm not clogged up...

peace, love, and mucinex, my peoples... it is the only way... for when you feel like you have a head made from cinderblocks.

brain fart

it's been awhile since i've visited. i'm so very neglectful and i apologize. mommy will never leave you again! But for serious, nothing terribly exciting has been going on. i'm just chillin', which is great! the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is letting out a little bubble fart while i was talking to someone on the way to the bathroom...

but seriously though, can i talk to you for a minute? i have a confession.... i love farting... i think it is awesome. i mean not when someone else does it, only when i do it. i mean, i don't think any one can deny the pleasure of being alone and just letting one rip. it could be loud, stinky, whatev, you're alone and now you feel relieved of that pressure that was once bothering you. It's also good for a few chuckles! for instance, my sister was over chillin' this weekend and i did the courteous thing and and announced that i would be passing potentially aromatic emissions, and it just ended up being really, really loud, and it actually kind of startled me! because we have the combined maturity level of a 7 year old boy, we fell out laughing and she said, "it never gets old!" it's also good for torture, particularly if you are engaged to me and sleep in the same bed. pooks said to me the other day, in his sweet, calm, dulcet voice: "You've got ONE MORE TIME to fart in the bed while my head is under the covers!" YEAH, DUTCH OVEN BABY!!! seriously, farting is great.

my father for instance, is a very dignified man, yet he can be extremely crude at times, and i think that's where my sister and i get our sense of humor from. we visited my grandmother recently, and the room we stay in has a door that leads directly into the bathroom. you can hear a lot is all i'm saying. so as my sister and i are readying ourselves for CHURCH, we hear my dad rustle the paper and commence to fart away on the toilet. he knows we're RIGHT NEXT DOOR! so my sister and i commenced to laughing hysterically while attempting to put on eye make-up. thank goodness for steady hands.... i would also like to state that my sister's and my respective ages are 31 and 25. it is so sad. us laughing and saying "did you hear daddy farting?" no respect i tell ya, no respect.

for a brief off-fart subject, something equally funny happened that weekend. while my 86 year old grandmother began to say grace at her birthday dinner, the restaurant audio system, began playing the surf-classic "Wipeout"... loudly... i barely kept it together...

i'm trying to perfect the car fart. i mean sometimes it can be a little difficult, because you're trying to keep your face from scrunching up, and trying to surreptitiously lift up your butt cheek of choice. most people know what that means and then know what your doing... the windows are see-through... (hello nosepickers!) however, that is not the most tricky part of car farting. car farting is difficult, because should you need to exit the car immediately after lifting a cheek there is the potential for the aroma to follow you. this is a very scary and very real thing, kind of like farting just before you get on the elevator, it never, EVER works, the stink will trail you. on the entertainment front, farting in the car is good because if you want to torture someone, like my aforementioned pooks, you can fart and then lock the windows!! look at 'em squirm!!! sometimes i get a little drunk with power.... either that or the fumes from my own ass have caused delirium....

i'm also working on perfecting the work fart. sometimes, my stomach gets so gassy that it sounds like i farted out loud, but it's on the inside. that is always so much fun... especially when it builds up so much that you're concerned you that you farting may have a jet-pack effect, and propel you stinkily down the hallway. trying to keep that in can be quite an endeavor, which is why, at least for me, the gas always wins, i must release it. so i go to the bathroom for a little relief and hopefully to regain some of my dignity, after i've been sitting in my cube phantom farting.

people can hear a lot in a cube situation... like when i guzzle down my drink and i sound like 3 year old drinking juice from a sippy cup. i drink with gusto! but back to farting... once you're in the bathroom, then what do you do? do you just stand in the stall and fart? do you pull down your pants to just sit down and fart? and if you do, why is it when someone comes in right when you're about to release the "equalizer" fart, the one that restores your body's equilibrium, and all is right with the world. the one you may actually say "whew!" after... and i mean in relief, fuck the stench, that baby is FREE! the equalizer fart, is one that is so loud that if you do let it out when someone's in bathroom with you either stay in the stall until they leave so as to avoid being identified, or you fret that someone may call 911, because surely you must being dying in there. i mean the noise can be deafening at times, like the sound of machine gun ricochet (sometimes there's even recoil), or like the world's LOUDEST TUBA is stuck IN YOUR ASS. but honestly, in the end, aren't we all a little proud of our work? thinking to yourself, "i had no idea that i was capable of doing that!"

the work fart is also scary because sometimes those little bubble farts (like the one mentioned above), can end up being the STANKIEST of the bunch, and all you can do is turn off the space heater in your cube (unless you really want to share), and frantically reach for the can of air freshener (bought for such emergencies and the stinky cat-dog lady who sits next to me) and hope that you can smother the smell before it escapes. this is especially imperative to me, because my MALE BOSS sits directly across from me, and can you IMAGINE???? i don't even want to think about it... and whatever you do, DO NOT get up and walk around, see elevator/car fart above. i've smelled people do it, and it isn't pretty folks... just say no. you are not fooling anyone, i can see the green cloud of stench hovering around you...

so, yeah, farting, that's what's up in my world. it's not much, but it never get's old! heh.

most.boring.day.ever.

after a well fought battle over the weekend, i finally conquered the swaths of hair that covered my body AND i washed my hair. for those of you who know me, this was a serious acheivement, especially considering that my leg hair had grown so long i could feel it sway in the breeze as i walked through my apartment. it was pretty bad...

so, i was really excited to go back to work after i had de-viking-nized and experience the world with smoothly shaven skin and hair long down my back. i looked forward to the interaction of people telling me i looked fabulous and that they didn't realize that it was possible for me to have 2 separate eyebrows, and to keep up the good work. well, that happened and then the day dragged on to be one of the most boring and monotonous days ever. that is until today.

during this day i have maybe done a total of 1 1/2 hours of work ALL DAY and it is 3:39 pm. i had no choice but to blog about it because i still have 2 hours until i can leave for home. i've spent my day waiting for people to update and i decided i should do the same. again, as i stated previously, this is an excellent time suck. minutes ago, i had the highlight of my day, when i BURST out of my cube, because i overheard someone talking about somebody i recognized. and then it must be slow for everyone, because EVERYONE came out of their cube to talk about the crazy lady who stretches in the bathroom, in front of the door, in her work clothes, before she goes to the gym, in her work clothes.

oh, wait, this just in! we just had another highlight! a co-worker asked if another co-worker if she had any comments on a document, and her response was to sneeze loudly!! THERE'S YOUR COMMENT LADY! BWAHHH-HAA-HAA......ha. Yeah, it's been pretty boring.

so i'm looking forward to the remedy that i concocted yesterday for these slow, painful days. i have my pooks at home, some DELICIOUS hamburgers (made with ground sirloin), and bacon, and cheese, fresh cut french fries, and a delicious drink we modified from something called a "Friday Freeze". It tastes like a creamsicle.... mmmmm.... also there will be tmz and other mindless tv shows. i'm SO EXCITED. OH, and sweetcakes will be there and he's always good for a laugh (intentional or otherwise). he's been pretty bored too, so we do our best to amuse each other when i get home (get your minds out of the gutter). actually, i wish i had something steamy to share, but i've been so friggin' tired from this lost hour thanks to STUPID DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME, that i pass out pretty early, making our most sultry moment of the evening, our good night kiss (a peck). it's been sad... and BORING! there's a theme here!

so, my exciting post-work plans include filling up my half-empty gas tank, so i won't have to fill it up from empty and pay $5,4654,98,976,516,897,198,761,213.01 (because i can never let go of the pump fast enough to avoid taxing on that $0.01). then i will go home and stuff my face with food i have no business eating and that will be the thrill of my evening. or maybe i'll get TWO goodnight pecks, that will liven things up i'm sure, in that there will probably be a string of drool between us, because i've already zonked out and begun my nightly pillow saturations. mmmm, saturations... doesn't that sound SEXY!? yeah, so, a girl can dream.

it's almost 4:00 pm, only 1 1/2 hours to go! thanks internets! you helped me waste a whole 1/2 hour! see you again soon! i've got to check to see if anyone's updated!

the horror...

february decided to get the last laugh in a seriously fucked up way.

i can't even bring it up right now, because it hurts too bad, for all parties involved. i'll just say this, i saw a dear, loved one shed blood and was forever altered.

i'll never get over it.... i felt i should have been there, next to her, to save her. it was all chance though... someone was standing where i usually stand, which is directly next to her.

i feel guilt over the last beer i encouraged her to drink. although there was no chance of drunk driving involved, i wonder if it was that last drink that caused it.

i wonder about if we had left earlier... that last drink wouldn't have been encouraged... if we had stuck to the plan....

i wonder about us preparing to tell a lie, me preparing to tell a lie... and if that was payment for the anticipated sin....

i feel like i should have been better and that i should have provided a better example. i feel so tortured and pained and bereft, that my dear, dear, dear heart, one of the penultimate joys of my life, was hurt in my presence. it is the price i'll pay for the rest of my life... knowing that if was living a better life, this may have never had to happen.

i know this though... i will never let my guard down again. i will be more responsible, i will do better, because she deserves it. i owe her that. her happiness helps to drive my being, and i can't stand knowing she's in pain. i would die for her... with no hesitation...

to my heart, my little blessing, to the best thing that has ever happened to me... to the one who made us a "family"... we may continue to disagree, we may continue to argue, at times we may continue to falter... but i swear, i'll from now on, to do my best to honor you and your wishes. i'll do better and i'm sorry i couldn't protect you this time... i would give anything to have been next to you, so i could have caught you.

i meant what i said on the back of that picture. i will always be here and i will do better next time. i'm here to protect you... i'm sorry i failed. i swear, i'll lay down my life to ensure that it won't happen again.

i love you... and i'm sorry...
please forgive me.

awesome!

there is nothing like getting to work, checking yourself out in the mirror and realizing you have TOWEL LINT stuck to your face. leetle pink balls of lint, clinging to your freshly cetaphil-ed face. it is a totally rewarding experience...

i might not have noticed that when i walked out of the door because, i iz soooo ty-red. i'm supposed to wash my hair tonight, and rid myself of "the bun", but i don't know if i'll have the strength for that 2 hour ordeal. all i can think of is bed, pillow, blankets.

so, i'll have to weigh my options. i can either have dirty hair in a bun and wake up and go to work with a lint-free face, or i can wash my hair, blow it dry, and flat iron it, and have miniscule, hot pink, nubules on my face. man, i'm going to have to think about it.

update: lint-free face wins... i'm tired.

raisin'

i just realized how ungrateful i've been, but yet i call myself grateful for all that has been granted to me. i know it sounds cheesy, but just watching this movie, "raisin in the sun", has reminded me of the sacrifices that others have made so that i could be in the situation that i am in. i was raised in the suburbs, i went to college, i have my own place and car. just a few decades ago, this would have not been as easy.

although i have been subject to racism, some overt and some very subtle, at least i have been allowed the opportunity because of the struggle of my ancestors. my father, lived in prince edward county, during the height of brown vs. board of education. the school system, as opposed to integrating, shut down the public schools and opened private ones for the white children. most children's parents couldn't afford to move, or didn't have relatives to take them in elsewhere. so, they just didn't go, they had no other option. my grandparents however, had the means to rent a house in another county so my father and his brothers were able to continue their education.

my father was salutatorian of the first graduating class of the newly "integrated" high school in prince edward county. he went on to college and then joined the military. he went to war and survived to have me and my sister. he went on to graduate school and as a result, our family has never wanted and has lived richly. i went to school without having to worry about they money to pay for it during or after. i had a roof over my head and food to eat. i learned how to read, and learned so much more, something that at one point was illegal....

i bitch about my existence, or the misery of it. but yet, in watching this movie and many others, i am constantly reminded of where i have come from. the people that i come from. i owe them. i owe them to live better and to honor their sacrifices and their hope in persevering, to know it wouldn't all be for naught. i owe them for knowing that it would be better for their children, grandchildren and so on. they took that step towards freedom and empowerment so that i could enjoy the freedoms, rights and joys that are available to me, in this day and age. freedoms and rights that they themselves never enjoyed or enjoyed on a limited status.

for that, i will try and do better. they deserve that honor, they've earned that right. just as they earned me mine, my many rights. for that i will be eternally grateful, and pass it on to my children and to whoever else will listen. we may not be at our most graceful and or grateful, but we must acknowledge them. we must remember the opportunity that is now always present and who it was who bled for us, who suffered for us, who loved us that much to make it worth their while. they deserve our utmost respect and gratitude. i have been raised by giants in amongst a world of ants. i will never, ever, forget that.

to all of my ancestors, to my grandparents, to my parents. thank you.... i am overwhelmed by your love and dedication. i only hope to be worthy of your sacrifice. i will do my best to make you proud. thank you, thank you, and thank you again. i will never be able to say it enough.

i've got the essentials...

beer and toilet paper. and my pooks, and my bed, and cable television. and a stocked kitchen, full of wonderful new toys....but, i'm currently suffering from the monthlies, so, that kinda, no, really sucks. it could have been PERFECT! alas, it wasn't meant to be....

it's snowing right now, on the eve of the WORST WINTER STORM OF 2008 (dun-dun-duuunnnn)! it probably won't be that bad, but we're a bunch of chaunceys here in DC, so, the area will be paralyzed. but, i'm prepared, i'll refer to the french toast alert in order to properly assess the state of emergency. i've got a safeway right across the street...

good luck and god bless folks...

may the federal government shut down tomorrow, amen.

serving

it's always a funny day when you realize that there are things that are bigger than you. i mean, what a fucking blow. how stupid was i to think that my issues were important to, well, THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!? it sucks when you attempt to make yourself relevant only to be handily and swiftly shot down. you stupid little mofo...

i attempted to help my boss today, because 1) he was sick, he had an ear infection and we all know that those are AWESOME! and 2) because he was stressed and said that he had a lot going on. he had tasked me with some work earlier in the day and week, and i had yet to finish it. Simply because i had other work to complete based on time constraints, and that the information i was providing required more research and thought. when he asked me about it today, i knew he was stressed. it's always his way to corral everybody up, in order to assauge his anxiety. so guess what? he wasn't pleased when i didn't snap my heels together and vomit my deliverable on his desk, with a bow, of course. when i asked him if he needed any help with his "a lot going on", he said the following, "no, i just need you to finish what i asked you to do..." ouch.

so, i walked out with my head held...at an angle, like an injured puppy. i told him i would finish the work at home tonight, and that seemed to sate him. now i'm all friggin' paranoid about the work i've done, because he's been known to draw blood with his pen. at least with me anyway. but, i've suffered tonight. i've suffered through, oh, i don't know, doing my JOB, and i think it's going to be okay. if i help him, if i enthusiastically vomit my deliverables ALL OVER HIS DESK, it will make his life easier, as well as mine.

so, when i present my work to him tomorrow, i'll also present him with a Wet One and some air freshener...maybe some fabreze too... you know, for his chair.

optimism

i like the damp of gray days, and how it brings dull edges.
the light never shines too bright, so i have no fear of it shining on me.
i schlup around in the small rivers that gather along the curb and smirk at the dead leaves that collect on the toe of my shoe.
i feel like i've been let in on a secret,
that the planet and universe can have ugly days too.
i smell the wet cement and the aroma of refreshed grime, and want to dress myself in it, like armor.
i want to wear everyone else's misery, ruined shoes, forgotten umbrellas, and too thin coat as an advertisement,
to remind everyone that life sucks.
in little moments, as you feel the water seep into your shoe, or in large ones, as you skid across three lanes of traffic, and in both instances, you lament the loss of your innocence and arrogance.
it's all so humbling when we realize we're human.

then the earth dries up, and the blinding light returns.
how can i smirk at this? where are the puddles to stomp in?
where are the dumb people who surge forward in life, on rainy days, only to fail miserably?
where is my scale of justice?
the sun ironically,
washes all of that away...

then i find that the scales have been leveled,
and shit,
i have to carry my own weight without the security of everyone else's bad day.

so then where i can i find my comfort?

i've found that the sun doesn't burn so much, but rather it warms.
i've found that i can look up, without tripping over things (thanks ani).

i've found the beauty of my beloved's hand wrapped around mine.
i've found the joy in making my sister laugh so hard, without abandon.
i've found the beauty of making others feel at ease, because i understand...
i've rediscovered that writing is cathartic,
whether by pen or key.
i've rediscovered that thing that i felt being 5 years old...

being giddy at putting on my "ballet" after church,
listening to the classical music play, as i wished mightily for gracefulness in my undershirt and tights.

being excited by the unknown, like on christmas morning,
and realizing that miracles do happen,
as i opened up my cabbage patch doll...

being excited that i've lived this long,
despite all my idiocy and stubborness,
and that happiness still lies beyond...

being excited to honestly, to really know,
that i have a chance.

i may not be a ballerina/firefighter/doctor,
but i'm still here,
and i can still dream.
and even if it is somewhat deferred,
it doesn't have to leave me.

optimism: n. 1: a doctrine that this world is the best possible world. 2: an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome.

let that sink in for a minute...

i can comprehend what those words mean,
but more importantly, i've made a choice to live by them.
the alternative,
is well,
somewhat in the gray,
and i've found that the sun feels so much better.
besides, i hate ruining a good pair of shoes...

sh*ts and giggles

today has been an interesting day. i attended a class on a FEDERAL HOLIDAY, because my boss thought it would be a good idea. i learned absolutely nothing, but at least i have a handy-dandy binder in case i need to demonstrate what i've "learned". at least the lunch was good. we were served seated at the table. no cold sandwiches from panera or other sub-par sandwich shops. there were 2 salads, and a pizza for starters, beef tenderloin and spit-roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and broccoli. I got all of the food groups, my mother would be so proud.

i also just finished my self assessment, which we all know is really one of the more pleasurable things that we get to do in life. you spend hours (or days) over what words to permanently put down for others to judge you by. i'm trying to get a promotion, so this was particularly agonizing, but it's done, so, so be it. yeah, i rank the pleasures of writing a self assessment right along with having bubble guts and cannon-balling into a pool... you know how the water gets up there and your asshole slams shut...yeah, it's really pleasant like that. so, here's to hoping for a water-tight asshole and really great pool cleaners.

other highlights of my day included actually having bubble guts, for some god-forsaken reason, and listening to my stomach loudly percolate for all to hear, while in a class full of my peers and co-workers... it was so fucking AWESOME! being that i'm somewhat on the fluffy side, they just probably thought my stomach was like "little shop of horrors".... FEED ME!!! yeah, there's nothing like being the largest girl at the table and your stomach is grumbling near lunch time. the judgement is so palpable... but you know, they can kiss my ass and whatever may come with it. hope they like gruel...

weekend follow-up: the margaritas and karaoke were a hit. we got shushed by my roommate, or damn, fiance, so it was a success (just kidding pooks)! oh, and there was beer too. song selections included "baby got back", "beat it", "rock with you", "california dreamin'" and other songs that sound really, really good when you're drunk. there was also a SURPLUS of junk food. it was ridiculous (sorry b.). whilst consuming various alcoholic beverages and bothering my neighbors and their pets (oh, the howling!), there was lots of talk and lots of "i fucking love you man". so, in my book, that equals success. also a bonus, there were no reports of abusive gravity. but i know that asshole, he shows up when you're at your most vulnerable, like when you push off on a pirouette, and you haven't done one since the 10th grade. did you know it's possible to deeply bruise your heel? yeah, me too neither, but that's what happens when an entertainment center and gravity are in cahoots. fuckers...

so, hope you guys had a successful 3-day weekend, and that it included whatever makes you happy. if not, it will get better, and fuck the rest. february will soon be over!!! but it is black history month, so in all earnesty... we shall overcome. have a happy tuesday.

heh.

oh my god. i just wrote a wonderful post illustrating how god damn (sorry) awful this month has been and i just fucking deleted it.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! if you see a crazy lady with her dirty hair rolled up in haphazard bun, and a lint-ball-y sweater running around screaming, that would be me.

so did i tell you this month sucks? it sucks so fucking bad. for everyone i know, except for my friend toni, who had a surprise birthday party thrown for her, and she's leaving to go to the bahamas tomorrow with her man. i hate her. i don't even know why i hang out with her. she sucks too. meh. yeah, so everyone has been caught up in this funnel of suck, but i have something that gives me gravity during these trying times. alcohol. particularly, vodka and tequila, in no particular order. oh, and beer too.

so, i'm hoping that my weekend will be wonderfully boring. my sister is coming over and i think i shall reel her into the dark and grimy world of comcast's on demand KARAOKE! i am certain there will be choreography with said karaoke and i know she is going to JAM (ohhh jam)! i think i should put down towels and padding though, because after my sister has a few drinks, her bones and joints don't work. and well, gravity has a field day with that sort of thing. so needless to say, i think we shall both be sufficiently entertained. but i can't talk, because well, gravity and i have had some disagreements before, and he's an abusive lover. he beats me. he beats me bad.

wow... ummm, can we pause for a minute? i fear that i may have just talked out of my ass (that smell isn't me, see upper lip). i JUST talked about how alcohol gives me gravity and then i discuss how me and gravity don't get along. yeeeahhh. unfortunately, this brand of circular logic is something that i excel at. and i'm not even drinking yet! i really should stop while i'm ahead...moving along.....

i think this post perfectly illustrates how tragic this month has been. and it's a leap year! so we have one. extra. day. of feeling like we're being clubbed in the head, like baby seals, repeatedly. i fear the bloodshed will be horrific. FEBRUARY ALEXANDER JONES! what do you have to say for yourself?! nothing? yeah, well fuck you too. at least there's vodka, tequila, and beer too. i find comfort in the little things, like blogging at work, whilst dreaming of margaritas. which i'm doing for the first time EVAR! not the dreaming of margaritas (puh-leeze), but blogging at work. which is an excellent time suck, which is a form of suck i enjoy.

so happy friday everyone! i hope your month is going SO much better than mine.

well sir, i tend to disagree

have you ever had the perfect night marred by retardation? yeah, me too. isn't it so frustrating when you're with someone you love so much, and the golden light is wasted by poor, obtuse, obstructed vision? yep... exactly.

love, what a chore, and what a vision...

i can see clearly what lies ahead, i hope it's even better than that. i'm such a sucker for hope and faith, otherwise i wouldn't be able to manage. so, as i wait for my prince to emerge, i can only think of the wonderfulness to come. to smell him, feel him, and hopefully to see his smile. it causes the grinch effect every single time, my heart grows exponentially.

good news is that i have a good amount of space to allow for that expansion. i hope my heart grows so big that my chest can barely contain the goodness within, the deliciousness if you will. i want it, i want it bad. so ... here's to filled cavities and the continuity of the unknown. i wish you all such good health...

this sh*t right heeere!

wow, i apologize in advance for the redundancy. but life's a bitch. every TIME i think i know something, when i think i'm firm, my feet are swept from underneath me. i'll spare you from the gory details, but a very dear friend of mine was in a car accident. i will just give you bullets:

• lots of drinking!
• tequila shots even!
• driving = bad idea
• totalled car
• medevac = helicoptor
• icu

but yeah, they released her today. but i'm pissed at her. i've had to stop her before from committing the same deadly sin. she even cursed me out in her drunkeness, because i shamed her in front of her co-workers. well, i am an asshole, but, that had nothing to do with it. sometimes i do it just 'cause, but if i love you, i'm an asshole on PURPOSE!! you WILL see the light through your stupidity!!! dammit!

i wish i had been there, we left early. frankly, because i had a quite a bit to drink (see tequila shots above - don't ask about numbers, asshole). but, i love myself and my family so much, that i make an active effort to avoid tragedy. i don't understand blatant stupidity. because, well, it's stupid, and i don't understand that language.

but, instead of lambasting her, i will thank my GOD that she's still here with us, missing a few chunks of skin and a whole, complete neckbone. i would have accepted a limp as well.... but she's here, and i couldn't be more thankful.... because damn, that bitch isn't going to fuck up MY monday morning... they already suck enough.

wow

so, i've really enjoyed turning 31. it's been AWESOME! really, i'm not being facetious. you know what happened? i realized how blessed i really am. my WONDERFUL fiance organized a surprise party and before said surprise party he took me to get my nails did and got me some black chuck taylors. oh, and some hefeweizen.... what more can a girl ask for? my sister came to the party, so did my BOSS! and all those that i love nearly and dearly... except for a few (they were out of town). there was dancing and tequila shots (with my BOSS!), and lots of merriment. sweetcakes even thought to get my cake in my school colors (orange and blue ~ GO HOOS!). in short, it was fantastic. i looked good, i felt good and truly enjoyed my company.

i mean, i've fought for so long against sadness, against my self-imposed devastation, and a generally malignant attitude towards life. i never understood why i was here and what the point was. if i couldn't make myself happy, how could i possibly make anyone else happy, so i felt that i was just a waste of space. i oftentimes contemplated falling backwards off a building, so i couldn't see my imminent demise, rushing towards me. that's how i was living my life, i was living suicide... i was setting up the steps to not being here, not living life. i was actually okay with not existing... it was a scary place and time. things have changed.

i now really, really, realize that life is a blessing. i'm here, i'm present, i get to enjoy stuff. i get to enjoy all of life's bounty, should i choose to go after it. i now realize that i have a choice, to suffer or be happy. it's really not a hard decision.

it's not that i've suddenly emerged from depression, it's not that i'm being flippant. i just realized that i treated MYSELF with disdain, and i felt that happiness was for suckers. i thought those people were confused and deluded. jeezy peezy, pot calling kettle... i know that those moments will return, when i don't even want to see what the sky looks like that day, and that i have to heavily medicate myself in order to prevent myself from making stupid decisions. but i feel better equipped now, i see the signs more clearly and i am proactive, versus being reactive, which never works out. and i'm tired of being surprised everytime it doesn't. i'm tired of my bullshit.

i'm finally optimistic again, and i look forward to my life. i look forward to living. i look foward to filling my lungs with air, marveling at the beauty of a clear blue sky, being lulled by the sounds of the ocean, and loving HARD on everyone and everything that is near and dear to me. relishing every moment that i'm blessed with and realizing how blessed i am to open my eyes every morning, God willing. to have my mommy and daddy, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt, my uncles, my cousins, my sweetcakes. this, right now, is good. it really, really is.



'nuff said.

this sh*t right heeere.....

seriously...

this sh*t right here .... enter kat williams with something socially relevant and hilarious....

sorry, i'm not kat williams. however, i hope that with time you'll grow with me and forgive (accept and laugh at) my transgressions.

i am 30 year old woman, going on 31 within a few short days. i have been inspired by a few fucking fantastic women who share my psychosis, which is attributed to being human. for some reason, we children of baby boomers feel the need for, "i told you so! i can be me and people will like me!" or "fuck the world, no one understands, i am a dark, unloved soul." i fall somewhere in the middle... i am, god forbid, average. i feel all the rage and all the complacency, of being old enough to know the difference between the two, and knowing when it's appropriate to act inappropriately. because, damn, i am a child of the 80s and 90s and don't try to tell me color me badd wasn't sexy... because, seriously, i am GAME for someone who wants to SEX me up. i am a lurker coming to the light.... a few of my favorites:

all and sundry
whoorl
dooce
nabbalicious (please come back)
filtering life
kicky boots
secret agent josephine
no pasa nada
i'm not a girl, not yet a wino
notes from the trenches
amalah
the pioneer woman
smitten kitchen

these women, seriously, have inspired me. in advance, please forgive my lack of capitalization, i am a lazy mofo. typing is so much easier without having to press the shift key. i hope that you will all forgive my random and weird posts, but hell, that's what the internets are all about.

i'm starting this for the sake of my new fiance... god give him strength. i hope that through this exercise of keeping a blog, i will be able to keep myself honest and be able to walk the walk, which is so rare nowadays. i'm so tired of, well everything. i'm tired of everything but honesty, and am willing to provide my hide and soul for lambasting and hopefully honest feedback.

but, you know what? as my newly affianced partner harangues me to pay attention to, listen to the minutiae that G4 provides about his slingbox (the ultimate slut for technology inclined men) that i got him for christmas, i feel that i will not be alone in my lamentations. i hope that you will welcome me. i will try my best to visit you often (and hope that you will stop by as well) and provide my interpretation of life through my fucked-up-ness.

welcome to the world of me....

hey, i have to come up with a catchy name....

for blog reasons, i shall call myself...

SHO NUFF

if you don't know that reference, rent the most hilarious martial arts movie ever.....

the last dragon.....

seriously, with enough, well, lobotomies, you will find this movie hilarious! i lived in germany for 5 years, so i have an excuse! IT WAS CUTTING EDGE! and damn, leeroy was FIIIINE!

here comes the pain, big time!!!! (god help me)

audi 5000... i'm out!