progress

You know how you're 8 and 16 seems like a glamorous age, and then you turn 16 and 21 seems like that's where the action is?  Then you realize Icehouse is the most disgusting beer ever and you determine that you actually have standards?  So... IMAGINE how you feel at 35!  I drink mostly pinot grigio and I look at how cute my kid looks when she sleeps...  WILD!  

In any case, the Guy and I have been through a lot.  We've argued and questioned our standing, but now standing here?  I'm so proud of the progress we've made.  We've stepped back and looked out our situation and realized that it is less than ideal.  We've decided that family life is what we choose, and that that little girl should dictate how we live.  We've decided that sacrifice isn't really that, but it is a joy we choose to inherit for the future.

Progress is a continually evolving thing, by its very virtue.  But hot damn, it's sexy right?  Working hard to wear a 2-piece, waking up early to organize, planning time for making dinner, the park, a bike ride...  Planning time period, and planning time for the future is a luxury I think.  When I think of all of the suffering in world, and I worry about the expediency of how our grill will be delivered, and how long can I tolerate a card table in the kitchen, I think about how blessed I am.  

In so many other countries, me being a woman would automatically negate me providing for my family... But here?  No question...  I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my mouth,and a man who is my partner.  There are so many women on this planet who are not as lucky and it makes me incredibly sad.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to help, but I'm going to be dedicated to figure it out.

I plan to do all of these things: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/progress

Progress.  Yes.

moving on

we are moving to the suburbs and i cannot wait.  a deck, room for little feet to roam, a kitchen to make meals in, to mingle in, rooms full of light, and a prominent place for the christmas tree.  life is already good, but it's about to be all that i really want it to be.  a house full of love, me and my little family.  the world is wide open to us, and for once in my life, i'm excited.  excited about living, excited about opportunities, growth, moving forward, the future.  i used to be so scared, and honestly sometimes still am, and it was overwhelming.  i felt like i could not go on, that everything was going to go wrong, and that i didn't deserve happiness, and i was never going to have it.  it was so dark, my friends, so dark.  but i have this little light that calls me "mommy" and she is the reason i live.  along with with my husband and my family, i really have it made.  i got the best people in my life and i'm so grateful to them.  realizing that i only get to do this once, and i get to live and love these special people who have truly blessed my life.  wow.  it is such an honor and i feel so privileged, and if you knew these folks, you'd understand.  they never let me fall and kept me afloat when i couldn't tread any longer.  especially my husband.  he kept me here too.  i've never met anyone who believes in me so much and who is so selfless.  he wants and loves ME, my true authentic self.  i don't know what i would do without him.  he is my rock.  i'm so grateful he is mine.

i'm not sure when the light came back, but it did, and god, it feels good.  i don't  have to run away from my past, it happened, it's there, it's not going anywhere.  i did things i'm not proud of, but, i learned.  it hurt like hell (and still hurts), but i learned.  i know i'm a good person, and i don't have to be defined by my past.  i need to shed my shame, and stop letting it run my life.  everyone tells me a good person, but for the longest time i didn't believe them, and i really don't know why....but i'm choosing to believe them now.  i'm choosing to believe in myself.  it is scary, but i'm gonna keep going.  i'm choosing to get involved in life, and start living and stop letting things happen to me.  i'm going to dream and plan for the future, that i KNOW will come and it will be wonderful, because i worked hard for it.

it's a good feeling, this hope.  and i choose to embrace it, along with faith, and i'm moving on...