moving on

we are moving to the suburbs and i cannot wait.  a deck, room for little feet to roam, a kitchen to make meals in, to mingle in, rooms full of light, and a prominent place for the christmas tree.  life is already good, but it's about to be all that i really want it to be.  a house full of love, me and my little family.  the world is wide open to us, and for once in my life, i'm excited.  excited about living, excited about opportunities, growth, moving forward, the future.  i used to be so scared, and honestly sometimes still am, and it was overwhelming.  i felt like i could not go on, that everything was going to go wrong, and that i didn't deserve happiness, and i was never going to have it.  it was so dark, my friends, so dark.  but i have this little light that calls me "mommy" and she is the reason i live.  along with with my husband and my family, i really have it made.  i got the best people in my life and i'm so grateful to them.  realizing that i only get to do this once, and i get to live and love these special people who have truly blessed my life.  wow.  it is such an honor and i feel so privileged, and if you knew these folks, you'd understand.  they never let me fall and kept me afloat when i couldn't tread any longer.  especially my husband.  he kept me here too.  i've never met anyone who believes in me so much and who is so selfless.  he wants and loves ME, my true authentic self.  i don't know what i would do without him.  he is my rock.  i'm so grateful he is mine.

i'm not sure when the light came back, but it did, and god, it feels good.  i don't  have to run away from my past, it happened, it's there, it's not going anywhere.  i did things i'm not proud of, but, i learned.  it hurt like hell (and still hurts), but i learned.  i know i'm a good person, and i don't have to be defined by my past.  i need to shed my shame, and stop letting it run my life.  everyone tells me a good person, but for the longest time i didn't believe them, and i really don't know why....but i'm choosing to believe them now.  i'm choosing to believe in myself.  it is scary, but i'm gonna keep going.  i'm choosing to get involved in life, and start living and stop letting things happen to me.  i'm going to dream and plan for the future, that i KNOW will come and it will be wonderful, because i worked hard for it.

it's a good feeling, this hope.  and i choose to embrace it, along with faith, and i'm moving on...