Hurt and Damaged

This stuff just hurts.  It has made me cry.  Regardless of what may have happened, what happened to "innocent until proven guilty in a court of law"?  I hate that skin color allows for an unlawful speedy right to trial...  Let me just say this:  Everyone has hopes, dreams, and aspirations.  Racism is unfortunately inherent in American culture due to societal and familial indoctrination (on both sides).   It is what it is.  That taints the hopes and dreams that we all have.  Do me a favor everyone:

Remember your mother, your father, grandparents, siblings, etc.   Remember how you stayed up talking, and remembering all the good times from the past, and talked about the future like it was a given?  Your safety was assumed.   Then remember that more than a few families are missing someone deeply, all because their skin was other than peach, and they were judged before they even got into a courtroom.  Realize that they have been judged as evil, just because they were born of a heritage that robbed them of their dignity, indoctrinated them to be submissive, made education a crime, and marked them through the census, and then robbed them of their earned-through-blood right to vote.  How are those who disenfranchised supposed to act?  Isn't that how Anerica was founded?  So why are the ones whose blood was spent in building its wealth not afforded the same dignity as the founding fathers?  WE WERE STOLEN, SOLD AND BROUGHT HERE AS SLAVES!   We have been marked ever since.  How is that fair?  You read that shit, and you tell me how it is fair that we have suffered and systematically been subjected to repeated indignity due to the indelible mark of our heritage?  I fucking dare you.

But really, I fucking dare you to be a better person, to get out of your fucking head and consider those around you.  The funny thing about humans is that we pretty much have the same equipment,but with different camoflauge.  So if YOU'RE cold?  GUESS WHAT?   If your chill is dictated by the weather, the human next to you is probably experiencing the same thing, regardless of the color of their skin.  Remember your family and loved ones, and remember HUMANITY!  Remember that we all know love associated with our family and the pain associated with the loss of it.  We all feel the same shit, why is one more valued than the other?

truth

I know it's uncomfortable, but I have to speak on this.  African Americans are here because our ancestors were stolen/sold from their homes.  We have had no choice in becoming deeply woven in the history of this country.  Fortunes were built on the backs of our forefathers, and after Emancipation we were cast out into the world with no guarantees other than the automatic marking of "former slave".  We were easily marked due to the dehumanization of dark-skinned people.  We were animals, compared to monkeys.  Why?  The color of our skin.

Because of this indelible mark, we have systematically been isolated and tracked.  Whether it's due to our success or failures, we are always highlighted.  Not because a particular act has its own merits, but because it was performed by a person who has been marked.  By genius?  By brilliance?  By violence?  By viciousness?  No.  If a Black person has done it, it MUST be sensationalized.  WHY?  We have brains, original thought, and are capable.  Period.  Not capable of so much more, or capable of greater things, we ARE capable, as we stand now.

Who is capable of so much more?  This country, its leadership, and its government, to include the legislators and the executors (no pun intended) of the law, the media, and its citizens.  All of us are capable of not judging on appearance, of having an open ear and heart, and having the guts to make a difference.  All of the stuff we don't like?  We can change.  Everyone who is not in the fray, are unaware of the deep injustice that people who are not as fortunate, must suffer through everyday.  You are not in it, you do not understand, so therefore, do not even attempt to try to have an opinion.  Unless you have lived in the shoes of those who are suffering, you should keep your mouth shut.  If you do choose to say something, it should be in support of helping those who are suffering, because you are a human being, and we all must share this Earth, and we all must be stewards of it.

It is particularly insulting, because the presence if African-Americans are and always have been intrinsic to the success of this country.  Instead of being celebrated, we are vilified.  The whole movement of #IfTheyGunnedMeDown illustrates this.  Why must we compartmentalize our right to express ourselves, in ANY WAY we see fit, in order to be considered legitimate members of society?

What folks don't realize is that we are proud of ALL OF IT.  Our grit, our determination, and our sense of community and connection.  One of the things that I love about being Black, is greeting my fellow brothers and sisters on the street, even if we don't know each other from Adam.  But the thing is, we do know, and by acknowledging each other, we acknowledge the struggle of racism, and we give each other a little lift, just by acknowledging each other.  It has always been an integral part of our means of survival in a country who we are a part of, but that doesn't want us.  We let each other know:  "I see you, I know your struggles, I am you, even if no one else understands."  My God, there is no greater honor.

You know what?  I'm proud of all of it.  The ugliness emphasizes the great divide.  Does it make you uncomfortable?  GOOD!  Do something about it, because you can't get rid of us.  By doing something about it, I mean HELP!  The good parts?  DUH!  Celebrate them because they came from an AMERICAN!  

As a mother of a son whose brown skin will automatically mark him as Public Enemy #1, I am terrified and saddened.  As I kiss his sweet, fat cheeks and receive his drool-y kisses, all I can do is pray, and pray HARD that the world will have changed enough to at least offer a modicum of acknowledgement, that he too belongs here, that he is of no threat, that he is of value, that he is a citizen of this country, who is protected by and given the same inalienable rights that his forefathers were not given, but gave their sweat and blood in hopes that the day that he will just be seen as one thing:  a man.

Pre-gaming

We had Mother's Day breakfast for dinner this evening, since we are spending the actual holiday with our moms tomorrow.  We are moving soon, and I REALLY should have done some organizing/purging, but I was at home with my little boy and chose to snuggle and just breathe him in.  When his big sister came home, we just hung out on the couch.  At one point I had #1 on my left and #2 on my right.  I was in a little people sandwich, and it was DELICIOUS!  

We took baths early, and I put down Baby D early.  He wasn't happy about it, but WHO CARES!  Kidding, but ain't nobody got time for a cranky, sleepy baby.  TO BED YOU GO!  I watched that dang Pioneer Woman on Food Network and made some completely ridiculous cheesy bread to go with our breakfast.  As I write this, I am drinking some vino, watching reality TV and just lazing about.  I really need to be in bed because we are getting up at o'dark thirty tomorrow to go to church with MIL.  

I'm ready to move and get it over with, but I'm not really looking forward to the moving process.  It is ALWAYS overwhelming.  I just want everything to go smoothly.  I want to move in with less, and start off more organized.  Easier said than done.  But I'm ready... I'm ready for the change.  I'm choosing not to approach this change with apprehension, but with expectations of joy and success.  I gotta change my mindset if good things are going to happen.  This house is gorgeous, and I'm glad that this is a house my children may remember.  Plus, there's a pool in the community!  :-)

I just can't wait to own forever home.  I know it's coming.  Probably sooner than we think. We are just on the horizon.  Can't wait for a new day.  But for right now, we prepare, we plan, and we set expectations, and enjoy life in the meanwhile.  Every step will be in preparation for our future.  Pre-gaming...

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Hey... I meant to call... but...

So!  Time has passed, I am older, and I have another child.  Life is interesting.  I am 37 (whaaa?), I have an almost kindergartener, and a 6 month old, and I'm married to my BEST friend.  We are poor, but we are happy.  These little people sustain us, and put smiles on our faces every day.

I never thought I would be this person.  I thought I would be big and grand, for I was ME!  HA!  Life has been rough but fair in relieving me of that delusion.  I sometimes welcome life's wallops, for it provides me with clarity and levity.

I don't know what this is to be, but I know that I need someplace to write.  Even if it's just me reading it, I know that it's public and someone can read it if they have a slow night.  All I know is that I want to write, and that I want to share myself on a public platform.  If I have 4 readers, well then I will consider it a ROUSING success!  But plain and simple?  I need to write.  I need to vent, I need to share, and I hope to build a community, so that I know that I'm not completely batsh*t crazy.  My in-person experiences have led me to believe that I currently don't need to be committed, but that I do need to stop giving so much power to those who I don't know, but deem them worthy by appearance.  Quick!  Someone send me an e-mail from an African prince so I can send him $1K to free up our $5M!

I have for too long cared what other people think.  I know that I'm a good person, that I have worth, and my ideas are worthy of consideration.  The people who love me agree, and let me tell you, those are good people, so... that must mean that I am only selling myself short. (whew!  trying not to drop the laptop like it's on fire...)

I plan to try to come here regularly.  I plan to be humble, and I plan to document my successes and failures here.  I plan to learn.  Because I only have this one life, and I'm tired of wasting it being scared.  Soon to follow?  Some straight up BS... but it will be MINE!  HUZZAH!

So.

Here. it. goes.

progress

You know how you're 8 and 16 seems like a glamorous age, and then you turn 16 and 21 seems like that's where the action is?  Then you realize Icehouse is the most disgusting beer ever and you determine that you actually have standards?  So... IMAGINE how you feel at 35!  I drink mostly pinot grigio and I look at how cute my kid looks when she sleeps...  WILD!  

In any case, the Guy and I have been through a lot.  We've argued and questioned our standing, but now standing here?  I'm so proud of the progress we've made.  We've stepped back and looked out our situation and realized that it is less than ideal.  We've decided that family life is what we choose, and that that little girl should dictate how we live.  We've decided that sacrifice isn't really that, but it is a joy we choose to inherit for the future.

Progress is a continually evolving thing, by its very virtue.  But hot damn, it's sexy right?  Working hard to wear a 2-piece, waking up early to organize, planning time for making dinner, the park, a bike ride...  Planning time period, and planning time for the future is a luxury I think.  When I think of all of the suffering in world, and I worry about the expediency of how our grill will be delivered, and how long can I tolerate a card table in the kitchen, I think about how blessed I am.  

In so many other countries, me being a woman would automatically negate me providing for my family... But here?  No question...  I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my mouth,and a man who is my partner.  There are so many women on this planet who are not as lucky and it makes me incredibly sad.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to help, but I'm going to be dedicated to figure it out.

I plan to do all of these things: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/progress

Progress.  Yes.

moving on

we are moving to the suburbs and i cannot wait.  a deck, room for little feet to roam, a kitchen to make meals in, to mingle in, rooms full of light, and a prominent place for the christmas tree.  life is already good, but it's about to be all that i really want it to be.  a house full of love, me and my little family.  the world is wide open to us, and for once in my life, i'm excited.  excited about living, excited about opportunities, growth, moving forward, the future.  i used to be so scared, and honestly sometimes still am, and it was overwhelming.  i felt like i could not go on, that everything was going to go wrong, and that i didn't deserve happiness, and i was never going to have it.  it was so dark, my friends, so dark.  but i have this little light that calls me "mommy" and she is the reason i live.  along with with my husband and my family, i really have it made.  i got the best people in my life and i'm so grateful to them.  realizing that i only get to do this once, and i get to live and love these special people who have truly blessed my life.  wow.  it is such an honor and i feel so privileged, and if you knew these folks, you'd understand.  they never let me fall and kept me afloat when i couldn't tread any longer.  especially my husband.  he kept me here too.  i've never met anyone who believes in me so much and who is so selfless.  he wants and loves ME, my true authentic self.  i don't know what i would do without him.  he is my rock.  i'm so grateful he is mine.

i'm not sure when the light came back, but it did, and god, it feels good.  i don't  have to run away from my past, it happened, it's there, it's not going anywhere.  i did things i'm not proud of, but, i learned.  it hurt like hell (and still hurts), but i learned.  i know i'm a good person, and i don't have to be defined by my past.  i need to shed my shame, and stop letting it run my life.  everyone tells me a good person, but for the longest time i didn't believe them, and i really don't know why....but i'm choosing to believe them now.  i'm choosing to believe in myself.  it is scary, but i'm gonna keep going.  i'm choosing to get involved in life, and start living and stop letting things happen to me.  i'm going to dream and plan for the future, that i KNOW will come and it will be wonderful, because i worked hard for it.

it's a good feeling, this hope.  and i choose to embrace it, along with faith, and i'm moving on...

mortal enemies...

So... you know how it is. You drink some coffee in the morning, have that full belly before lunch, and want to "clear the decks" if you will, before you sink your teeth into your "sandwich bread" (Arnold's Sandwich-Thins). IF! you're lucky, you may get to hit that biggest stall at the end, before you blow the whistle for the day... literally and figuratively speaking.

But, we all know what happens. Whether it be at 8:30 am, 11:00 am, 2:00 pm, 2:07 pm, 2:08 pm, 3:13 pm, 3:17 pm, 4:03 pm, etc. That b*tch is always there. Who's that b*tch? The same evil person who props the door open as you're wiping... Yes! That's right! THE CLEANING LADY!!! I like to think they synchronize their watches with Satan. Because who would be so mean to allow the WHOLE WORLD hear what you pee-stream sounds like and how long it takes you to get your, at sometimes literally, your sh*t together?!

I know it's your job lady. But seriously? We are about to fight! I try to be consistent, and adjust to your schedule, but you are either getting slower or moving faster. Either way: No BUENO!

So, in closing: *BBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT* Sorry. Knock First.