wow

so, i've really enjoyed turning 31. it's been AWESOME! really, i'm not being facetious. you know what happened? i realized how blessed i really am. my WONDERFUL fiance organized a surprise party and before said surprise party he took me to get my nails did and got me some black chuck taylors. oh, and some hefeweizen.... what more can a girl ask for? my sister came to the party, so did my BOSS! and all those that i love nearly and dearly... except for a few (they were out of town). there was dancing and tequila shots (with my BOSS!), and lots of merriment. sweetcakes even thought to get my cake in my school colors (orange and blue ~ GO HOOS!). in short, it was fantastic. i looked good, i felt good and truly enjoyed my company.

i mean, i've fought for so long against sadness, against my self-imposed devastation, and a generally malignant attitude towards life. i never understood why i was here and what the point was. if i couldn't make myself happy, how could i possibly make anyone else happy, so i felt that i was just a waste of space. i oftentimes contemplated falling backwards off a building, so i couldn't see my imminent demise, rushing towards me. that's how i was living my life, i was living suicide... i was setting up the steps to not being here, not living life. i was actually okay with not existing... it was a scary place and time. things have changed.

i now really, really, realize that life is a blessing. i'm here, i'm present, i get to enjoy stuff. i get to enjoy all of life's bounty, should i choose to go after it. i now realize that i have a choice, to suffer or be happy. it's really not a hard decision.

it's not that i've suddenly emerged from depression, it's not that i'm being flippant. i just realized that i treated MYSELF with disdain, and i felt that happiness was for suckers. i thought those people were confused and deluded. jeezy peezy, pot calling kettle... i know that those moments will return, when i don't even want to see what the sky looks like that day, and that i have to heavily medicate myself in order to prevent myself from making stupid decisions. but i feel better equipped now, i see the signs more clearly and i am proactive, versus being reactive, which never works out. and i'm tired of being surprised everytime it doesn't. i'm tired of my bullshit.

i'm finally optimistic again, and i look forward to my life. i look forward to living. i look foward to filling my lungs with air, marveling at the beauty of a clear blue sky, being lulled by the sounds of the ocean, and loving HARD on everyone and everything that is near and dear to me. relishing every moment that i'm blessed with and realizing how blessed i am to open my eyes every morning, God willing. to have my mommy and daddy, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt, my uncles, my cousins, my sweetcakes. this, right now, is good. it really, really is.



'nuff said.

this sh*t right heeere.....

seriously...

this sh*t right here .... enter kat williams with something socially relevant and hilarious....

sorry, i'm not kat williams. however, i hope that with time you'll grow with me and forgive (accept and laugh at) my transgressions.

i am 30 year old woman, going on 31 within a few short days. i have been inspired by a few fucking fantastic women who share my psychosis, which is attributed to being human. for some reason, we children of baby boomers feel the need for, "i told you so! i can be me and people will like me!" or "fuck the world, no one understands, i am a dark, unloved soul." i fall somewhere in the middle... i am, god forbid, average. i feel all the rage and all the complacency, of being old enough to know the difference between the two, and knowing when it's appropriate to act inappropriately. because, damn, i am a child of the 80s and 90s and don't try to tell me color me badd wasn't sexy... because, seriously, i am GAME for someone who wants to SEX me up. i am a lurker coming to the light.... a few of my favorites:

all and sundry
whoorl
dooce
nabbalicious (please come back)
filtering life
kicky boots
secret agent josephine
no pasa nada
i'm not a girl, not yet a wino
notes from the trenches
amalah
the pioneer woman
smitten kitchen

these women, seriously, have inspired me. in advance, please forgive my lack of capitalization, i am a lazy mofo. typing is so much easier without having to press the shift key. i hope that you will all forgive my random and weird posts, but hell, that's what the internets are all about.

i'm starting this for the sake of my new fiance... god give him strength. i hope that through this exercise of keeping a blog, i will be able to keep myself honest and be able to walk the walk, which is so rare nowadays. i'm so tired of, well everything. i'm tired of everything but honesty, and am willing to provide my hide and soul for lambasting and hopefully honest feedback.

but, you know what? as my newly affianced partner harangues me to pay attention to, listen to the minutiae that G4 provides about his slingbox (the ultimate slut for technology inclined men) that i got him for christmas, i feel that i will not be alone in my lamentations. i hope that you will welcome me. i will try my best to visit you often (and hope that you will stop by as well) and provide my interpretation of life through my fucked-up-ness.

welcome to the world of me....

hey, i have to come up with a catchy name....

for blog reasons, i shall call myself...

SHO NUFF

if you don't know that reference, rent the most hilarious martial arts movie ever.....

the last dragon.....

seriously, with enough, well, lobotomies, you will find this movie hilarious! i lived in germany for 5 years, so i have an excuse! IT WAS CUTTING EDGE! and damn, leeroy was FIIIINE!

here comes the pain, big time!!!! (god help me)

audi 5000... i'm out!