mortal enemies...

So... you know how it is. You drink some coffee in the morning, have that full belly before lunch, and want to "clear the decks" if you will, before you sink your teeth into your "sandwich bread" (Arnold's Sandwich-Thins). IF! you're lucky, you may get to hit that biggest stall at the end, before you blow the whistle for the day... literally and figuratively speaking.

But, we all know what happens. Whether it be at 8:30 am, 11:00 am, 2:00 pm, 2:07 pm, 2:08 pm, 3:13 pm, 3:17 pm, 4:03 pm, etc. That b*tch is always there. Who's that b*tch? The same evil person who props the door open as you're wiping... Yes! That's right! THE CLEANING LADY!!! I like to think they synchronize their watches with Satan. Because who would be so mean to allow the WHOLE WORLD hear what you pee-stream sounds like and how long it takes you to get your, at sometimes literally, your sh*t together?!

I know it's your job lady. But seriously? We are about to fight! I try to be consistent, and adjust to your schedule, but you are either getting slower or moving faster. Either way: No BUENO!

So, in closing: *BBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT* Sorry. Knock First.

Why must Monday be so MEAN?

So... I walked into my bathroom this afternoon and found a GIANT cicada killer wasp flying in my bathroom. No lie, it was 2 in. long and sounded like a little mini-helicopter, hovering menacingly in my bathroom. So, I did what any rational person would do: I stood there with my mouth agape for a few seconds, trying decide if this was really happening, decided that it was INDEED happening, swiftly closed the door, sat on the couch and FREAKED OUT! I was mentally preparing myself to give up my bathroom forever, because you know what cicada killer? YOU WIN! The bathroom is yours to reign! FOREVER! OR AT LEAST UNTIL YOU DIE! I mean, a GIANT WASP was in my bathroom, where frequently, all of my tender bits are exposed! What if I had gotten in the shower without realizing it was in there?! I can't. even. think. about it. The HOOOORROOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!! Plus, I make interesting sounds when I'm frightened. Just ask my sister or husband about that day I found a GIANT spider cricket in our sink, after we thought it had long left the premises. It was, um, yeah. It wasn't pretty.

So thankfully, my husband is a brave person and can be a little more rational than I am sometimes. SOMETIMES! In any case, he came home, WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM (OMG, he's a CRAZY PERSON!), opened the window, and that behemoth of a wasp, hovered up out of the tub, and flew peacefully out of the window. Thankfully no battle ensued, because my husband is as fond of stinging insects, as I am fond of heights, which is to say, not very. In any case, WE WERE SAVED! The heavy burden of knowing that I had lost my bathroom forever, was lifted, and I rejoiced! For the bathroom was mine again, tender bits and all.

The End.

P.S. Thank you husband!