the hills are alive...

okay.... so under heavy medication, i.e., vodka and mucinex, i'm watching the hills season premiere on mtv. all i have to say is wow, those are some lucky bitches. you can hate on their shallow personalities all you want, but these bitches are in PARIS! IN FABULOUS CLOTHES!! WITH ARTSY PEOPLE!! AND SEEING THE EIFFEL TOWER LIT UP AND DRINKING CHAMPANGE! hoooowww, good peoples, can i fucking hate on that? truth is, i'm jealous.... straight up, green with envy.

and SPENCER!!! i don't think i have words dirty enough to say how i feel....but i will try. i think he is only fit to clean the smegma of a leperous man's dick. with his tongue (spencer's, not the leppy guy).

that being said, i had a better day today. my head felt less cement-y, but apparently, i still looked like death (EVEN WITH UNDEREYE CONCEALER). i was asked how i was feeling and i said a little better, and they said, "yeah, i can still see it in your face." awesome. this was particularly a sincerely appreciated comment, because i actually made an effort to put on makeup and look presentable. all i could do was just nod my head and say, "yeeeaaah."

my boss and i kind of made up, particularly because he told me that the executive assistant always spells his name wrong, and it becomes "furlick"*. yeah, i had a snotty giggle over that (i had to catch dual snot strands in my palm). but it was so worth it, because, come on.... FURLICK! that is good for giggles for DAYS!

in other news, pooks is out with the boys and i'm left to my own devices for a few hours. hopefully i won't maim myself (knock on wood).

oh, and one quick thing before i go.

*rant on*

i can't stand george w. i can't even watch him on the news or hear his voice because it raises my blood pressure at an alarming rate. so, i got snuck up on this morning while ironing my pants and my back was turned to the tv. i heard them say that bush gave a speech to state that the 4,000 servicemen/women who have served and died over in iraq, have NOT DIED IN VAIN! that pissed me off so bad that i gritted my teeth so hard IT HURT! how can someone be so obtuse and stubborn? it is seriously dumbfounding, pun intended. i hope that in the years, decades to come, that we learn from this. we can't just bring someone in because of pedigree... we've got to see these people for who and what they are, and be honest.

i understand the strong undercurrent of hope in this election, but we MUST be more objective and studious in our choices come this fall. it's already fucked up for us now...let's not fuck it up for our children. because, our next choice for president, will reverberate throughout generations. we are at a precipice, like the yodel dude on price is right. don't be overly optimistic and push him over the edge. be a shrewd american... it's time for us to step up and have our voices heard and seriously fight for what we believe in. it's not mommy and daddy's issue anymore.

just so you know, i haven't made up my mind yet, but this is seriously the most gut-wrenching decision for me. and i hope that this time, my vote actually counts.

*rant off*

hope urrbody has a good wed-nes-day.

*furlick - spelling totally changed to protect my job.

clogged up

that is basically the description of my day. i have the beginnings of something that feels similar to cement hardening in all of my sinuses, and a vague soreness and tickle-y cough in my throat. my ears feel as if i've jammed erasers in them, and my eyes look as if i've looked into the soul of the devil. in short, i am feeling FABULOUS!

i was vaguely present throughout the day at work, and looked forward to easing my cement-addled mind into a glorious world of surfing the web. THEN, dun-dun-dunnnnnn! we get an e-mail that we are no longer allowed to surf the internet casually and that violators' names would be sent to the DIRECTOR OF THE AGENCY! yikes... so, i went to a few sites, but didn't press my luck.

then, my boss decides to let his neck twist 360 degrees and proceeds to act like he really needed me to realign his head. with my fist(s). and he knew i was feeling poorly. in short it was so FUCKING AWESOME for a MONDAY!

but i had a great weekend, and perhaps i even jinxed myself when i said saturday morning, with all my "chilrun" around me, "this moment will make monday worth it." that being said, i was horribly wrong, but just now thinking about it, kind of makes the suffering worthwhile. i had a great weekend and did all the things that i wanted to do. even if it ended up being painful in the end, and walking around like a zombie in a fog (even WITH undereye concealer), on fumes of the aforementioned, worthwhile weekend.

oh well, all i can do is just wish for a better day tomorrow. and make sure that i'm clearheaded enough to tell my boss to kiss my ass in a polite way. and then right when he puckers up, i'll make sure i'm not clogged up...

peace, love, and mucinex, my peoples... it is the only way... for when you feel like you have a head made from cinderblocks.

brain fart

it's been awhile since i've visited. i'm so very neglectful and i apologize. mommy will never leave you again! But for serious, nothing terribly exciting has been going on. i'm just chillin', which is great! the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is letting out a little bubble fart while i was talking to someone on the way to the bathroom...

but seriously though, can i talk to you for a minute? i have a confession.... i love farting... i think it is awesome. i mean not when someone else does it, only when i do it. i mean, i don't think any one can deny the pleasure of being alone and just letting one rip. it could be loud, stinky, whatev, you're alone and now you feel relieved of that pressure that was once bothering you. It's also good for a few chuckles! for instance, my sister was over chillin' this weekend and i did the courteous thing and and announced that i would be passing potentially aromatic emissions, and it just ended up being really, really loud, and it actually kind of startled me! because we have the combined maturity level of a 7 year old boy, we fell out laughing and she said, "it never gets old!" it's also good for torture, particularly if you are engaged to me and sleep in the same bed. pooks said to me the other day, in his sweet, calm, dulcet voice: "You've got ONE MORE TIME to fart in the bed while my head is under the covers!" YEAH, DUTCH OVEN BABY!!! seriously, farting is great.

my father for instance, is a very dignified man, yet he can be extremely crude at times, and i think that's where my sister and i get our sense of humor from. we visited my grandmother recently, and the room we stay in has a door that leads directly into the bathroom. you can hear a lot is all i'm saying. so as my sister and i are readying ourselves for CHURCH, we hear my dad rustle the paper and commence to fart away on the toilet. he knows we're RIGHT NEXT DOOR! so my sister and i commenced to laughing hysterically while attempting to put on eye make-up. thank goodness for steady hands.... i would also like to state that my sister's and my respective ages are 31 and 25. it is so sad. us laughing and saying "did you hear daddy farting?" no respect i tell ya, no respect.

for a brief off-fart subject, something equally funny happened that weekend. while my 86 year old grandmother began to say grace at her birthday dinner, the restaurant audio system, began playing the surf-classic "Wipeout"... loudly... i barely kept it together...

i'm trying to perfect the car fart. i mean sometimes it can be a little difficult, because you're trying to keep your face from scrunching up, and trying to surreptitiously lift up your butt cheek of choice. most people know what that means and then know what your doing... the windows are see-through... (hello nosepickers!) however, that is not the most tricky part of car farting. car farting is difficult, because should you need to exit the car immediately after lifting a cheek there is the potential for the aroma to follow you. this is a very scary and very real thing, kind of like farting just before you get on the elevator, it never, EVER works, the stink will trail you. on the entertainment front, farting in the car is good because if you want to torture someone, like my aforementioned pooks, you can fart and then lock the windows!! look at 'em squirm!!! sometimes i get a little drunk with power.... either that or the fumes from my own ass have caused delirium....

i'm also working on perfecting the work fart. sometimes, my stomach gets so gassy that it sounds like i farted out loud, but it's on the inside. that is always so much fun... especially when it builds up so much that you're concerned you that you farting may have a jet-pack effect, and propel you stinkily down the hallway. trying to keep that in can be quite an endeavor, which is why, at least for me, the gas always wins, i must release it. so i go to the bathroom for a little relief and hopefully to regain some of my dignity, after i've been sitting in my cube phantom farting.

people can hear a lot in a cube situation... like when i guzzle down my drink and i sound like 3 year old drinking juice from a sippy cup. i drink with gusto! but back to farting... once you're in the bathroom, then what do you do? do you just stand in the stall and fart? do you pull down your pants to just sit down and fart? and if you do, why is it when someone comes in right when you're about to release the "equalizer" fart, the one that restores your body's equilibrium, and all is right with the world. the one you may actually say "whew!" after... and i mean in relief, fuck the stench, that baby is FREE! the equalizer fart, is one that is so loud that if you do let it out when someone's in bathroom with you either stay in the stall until they leave so as to avoid being identified, or you fret that someone may call 911, because surely you must being dying in there. i mean the noise can be deafening at times, like the sound of machine gun ricochet (sometimes there's even recoil), or like the world's LOUDEST TUBA is stuck IN YOUR ASS. but honestly, in the end, aren't we all a little proud of our work? thinking to yourself, "i had no idea that i was capable of doing that!"

the work fart is also scary because sometimes those little bubble farts (like the one mentioned above), can end up being the STANKIEST of the bunch, and all you can do is turn off the space heater in your cube (unless you really want to share), and frantically reach for the can of air freshener (bought for such emergencies and the stinky cat-dog lady who sits next to me) and hope that you can smother the smell before it escapes. this is especially imperative to me, because my MALE BOSS sits directly across from me, and can you IMAGINE???? i don't even want to think about it... and whatever you do, DO NOT get up and walk around, see elevator/car fart above. i've smelled people do it, and it isn't pretty folks... just say no. you are not fooling anyone, i can see the green cloud of stench hovering around you...

so, yeah, farting, that's what's up in my world. it's not much, but it never get's old! heh.

most.boring.day.ever.

after a well fought battle over the weekend, i finally conquered the swaths of hair that covered my body AND i washed my hair. for those of you who know me, this was a serious acheivement, especially considering that my leg hair had grown so long i could feel it sway in the breeze as i walked through my apartment. it was pretty bad...

so, i was really excited to go back to work after i had de-viking-nized and experience the world with smoothly shaven skin and hair long down my back. i looked forward to the interaction of people telling me i looked fabulous and that they didn't realize that it was possible for me to have 2 separate eyebrows, and to keep up the good work. well, that happened and then the day dragged on to be one of the most boring and monotonous days ever. that is until today.

during this day i have maybe done a total of 1 1/2 hours of work ALL DAY and it is 3:39 pm. i had no choice but to blog about it because i still have 2 hours until i can leave for home. i've spent my day waiting for people to update and i decided i should do the same. again, as i stated previously, this is an excellent time suck. minutes ago, i had the highlight of my day, when i BURST out of my cube, because i overheard someone talking about somebody i recognized. and then it must be slow for everyone, because EVERYONE came out of their cube to talk about the crazy lady who stretches in the bathroom, in front of the door, in her work clothes, before she goes to the gym, in her work clothes.

oh, wait, this just in! we just had another highlight! a co-worker asked if another co-worker if she had any comments on a document, and her response was to sneeze loudly!! THERE'S YOUR COMMENT LADY! BWAHHH-HAA-HAA......ha. Yeah, it's been pretty boring.

so i'm looking forward to the remedy that i concocted yesterday for these slow, painful days. i have my pooks at home, some DELICIOUS hamburgers (made with ground sirloin), and bacon, and cheese, fresh cut french fries, and a delicious drink we modified from something called a "Friday Freeze". It tastes like a creamsicle.... mmmmm.... also there will be tmz and other mindless tv shows. i'm SO EXCITED. OH, and sweetcakes will be there and he's always good for a laugh (intentional or otherwise). he's been pretty bored too, so we do our best to amuse each other when i get home (get your minds out of the gutter). actually, i wish i had something steamy to share, but i've been so friggin' tired from this lost hour thanks to STUPID DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME, that i pass out pretty early, making our most sultry moment of the evening, our good night kiss (a peck). it's been sad... and BORING! there's a theme here!

so, my exciting post-work plans include filling up my half-empty gas tank, so i won't have to fill it up from empty and pay $5,4654,98,976,516,897,198,761,213.01 (because i can never let go of the pump fast enough to avoid taxing on that $0.01). then i will go home and stuff my face with food i have no business eating and that will be the thrill of my evening. or maybe i'll get TWO goodnight pecks, that will liven things up i'm sure, in that there will probably be a string of drool between us, because i've already zonked out and begun my nightly pillow saturations. mmmm, saturations... doesn't that sound SEXY!? yeah, so, a girl can dream.

it's almost 4:00 pm, only 1 1/2 hours to go! thanks internets! you helped me waste a whole 1/2 hour! see you again soon! i've got to check to see if anyone's updated!

the horror...

february decided to get the last laugh in a seriously fucked up way.

i can't even bring it up right now, because it hurts too bad, for all parties involved. i'll just say this, i saw a dear, loved one shed blood and was forever altered.

i'll never get over it.... i felt i should have been there, next to her, to save her. it was all chance though... someone was standing where i usually stand, which is directly next to her.

i feel guilt over the last beer i encouraged her to drink. although there was no chance of drunk driving involved, i wonder if it was that last drink that caused it.

i wonder about if we had left earlier... that last drink wouldn't have been encouraged... if we had stuck to the plan....

i wonder about us preparing to tell a lie, me preparing to tell a lie... and if that was payment for the anticipated sin....

i feel like i should have been better and that i should have provided a better example. i feel so tortured and pained and bereft, that my dear, dear, dear heart, one of the penultimate joys of my life, was hurt in my presence. it is the price i'll pay for the rest of my life... knowing that if was living a better life, this may have never had to happen.

i know this though... i will never let my guard down again. i will be more responsible, i will do better, because she deserves it. i owe her that. her happiness helps to drive my being, and i can't stand knowing she's in pain. i would die for her... with no hesitation...

to my heart, my little blessing, to the best thing that has ever happened to me... to the one who made us a "family"... we may continue to disagree, we may continue to argue, at times we may continue to falter... but i swear, i'll from now on, to do my best to honor you and your wishes. i'll do better and i'm sorry i couldn't protect you this time... i would give anything to have been next to you, so i could have caught you.

i meant what i said on the back of that picture. i will always be here and i will do better next time. i'm here to protect you... i'm sorry i failed. i swear, i'll lay down my life to ensure that it won't happen again.

i love you... and i'm sorry...
please forgive me.