the days after

E-mail sent to my sister, who shares my sorrow in regards to office building climate control:

"Subject: WHYYYYYYYY?

MUST IT BE 40 BELOW ZERO IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?????? I have my space heater (on as high as it can go) damn-near shoved up my a**, and I have on sleeves, under a sweater, and I'm about to drape another sweater over that...

Seriously, it does not need to be this cold, for any reason whatsoever... I mean is somebody making ice cream or chocolates around here? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Am I working in the walk-in at some restaurant? Seriously, I don't need to refrigerate sh*t around here...I can leave it on my desk. Actually, it might be warmer on the refrigerator... Something might turn into a block of ice if I leave it out here...."

i said d-d-d-dam-m-m-mi-t-t-t-t (teeth chattering), it’s COOOOOOOLD!

So, the days after the Big Push, ’08 have been quite blah and vanilla. I’ve been eating a high fiber diet, and that has really been the highlight of my days… Wondering how long I can sit at my desk with out spontaneously combusting from the processing of raw vegetables and high fiber bread/snacks. You can hear the creaks and bubbles, and uh… it’s kind of embarrassing… how do you play that off? Do you say, “ooh, excuse me! I have gas!” which makes it seem like you just farted in front of someone, or do you keep it in and make everyone quiet, and everyone who is in a 20-30 foot radius, will think that you have wailing banshees residing in your intestines? oh, such a quandary.... Heh... I just realized that in the first sentence I wrote the "Big Push". I'm not constipated! I just have been going through a lot of shit... or whatever... YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!! assholes...

So I got my tax stimulus check, and yeah, it’s already gone… :-( I’m trying to debate on whether I save some for spending, or put it all towards debt. I think part of it is going to end up going to towards my credit cards…. Then the rest may be spent on a manicure/pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten) and maybe some sort of new gear.

My clothes really suck right now, I actually quite loathe them. They are old, and plain, and now… drumroll please…. TOO FUCKING BIG! Now, I know that I will soon be humbled when I walk into my nearest retail establishment, because during the one time I go shopping, which is like every 5 years or so… (sad, but true), the size numbers have decreased exponentially and what I thought I could wear size-wise, is now has the proper proportions to fit 0-2 year olds… they may as well put that on the label, and quit jerking us around... or i could stop trying to shop in the children's section...

it’s a cruel, cruel thing… but dammit, I’m big boned-ed… it’s already bad enough that I can’t find anything that does nothing but drape and fall and is cut TOO DAMN BIG!! Also adding insult to injury, is that nothing is truly cute, and nothing is on sale. Walking on the back of my pants, not being able to see the shape of my ass through all the fabric puddling at the top of my thighs, and wearing the same damn black cardigan almost EVERY DAY, is really sucking. I stand in the full length mirror like and pretend I have Stacy and Clinton (from “What Not To Wear”) standing behind me, and I grab the extra folds of fabric and say it to myself like they do “LOOK AT YOU!! YOU’RE NOT THAT BIG!!” and then I dream of the money and the lifestyle that must be possible in order to get your shit tailored… cuz mama doesn’t have it right now… mama barely has it to get dry cleaning done…It does nothing for the self esteem… I need some new shit. But now that I think about it, I really should wait until I lose a smidge more… just for shits and giggles... and my sanity... so that I can be CERTAIN that i fit in what used be a size 16, and is now truly cut for a junior's size 0. what size 16 bitches do you know whose total thigh circumference equals 13 mm?? yeah, that's what i thought... moving ON!

I’m sitting here torn right now as to whether I wash my hair and shave my legs OR exercise AND wash my hair AND shave my legs…. This is such an earth-shattering decision because it is THURSDAY people!! GOOD SHIT COMES ON TV!!! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!! LOST!!! I know I have DVR, but it’s no fun watching it after everyone has already had their yuks and gotten their jollies… you snooze, you lose, you know what i'm sayin'? We’ll see, I have to stop at the grocery store too on the way home, so that may steal all my thunder and then we’ll be lucky if I shave my legs… pray for your souls.

I think I shall compromise… I shall wash my hair and shave my legs and do yoga… later in the evening… I don’t think I’m stretched out or limber enough to do cardio without being in serious pain and I want to go out dancing tomorrow night. Even with a 3 OR 573 beers in me, it still counts as cardio when you’re dancing your ass off right?

Yeah…. That’s the ticket! Hee!

clap on!*

So I didn't do the yoga this morning, and that's okay, because I was TY-RED and needed to sleep. I'm still tethered to the computer on stand-by, in case my boss needs me, so yay.

Hate to be redundant, but I really hate anxiety… I cannot see looking at myself in the mirror with gray hairs framing my face, and wrinkles and crevices well established and hopefully well placed on my face, and saying to myself, “God, Michelle! You cannot keep FUCKING UP like this!” I hate worrying about EVERY DECISION I MAKE! I'm slowly learning that some choices are just black and white and not everything is gray. So gray that I need paint swatches to figure out what exactly what kind of gray I'm looking at... and even then, what do I do? I'm learning that I do not have to be neurotic about every, single, little, thing....

The funny thing about growing up is that I know with certainty that there are things that you don’t want to do, like get fired from a job, or drink and drive. Some things I’ve learned from experience and some from watching from afar. But it's the little, nagging things that can blow up into MONUMENTAL! COLOSSAL! CATASTROPHES! I think that is the most important thing that I’ve learned as of late. You can't let the little things go for too long, or else, it WILL come back and bite you in the butt. There are still some nibblers out there, trying to get up there and take a chunk out of my ass (please do by the way, there’s plenty to go ‘round), but I’ve taken care of the major ones. The little scavengers I’ll have to go back and take care of, because that’s all I can do right now, because I unable to kick those little shits to the curb at the moment, and I’m okay with that. That’s the price I have to pay for letting them go too long without taking care of things immediately or when I could have easily. I’m okay with that too… Like the Jay-Z song says, “in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…”

I’m okay with how I’ve lived my life, I think, because otherwise, I would have never gotten to this place of clarity and understanding of what I need to do in order to keep sane and live somewhat happily. Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been baptized by fire, and I’ve been have been burned. It has been so difficult and so dark, but right now, it feels like a switch has been turned on. I’ve seen the light, and I feel so stupid for not seeing the switch the whole damn time. But in my defense, it was dark... and we've all fumbled around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, and thought, "Where is the G.D., muthaf'n, LIGHT SWITCH???!!!" You get all exasperated, and then wander around the room in darkness and go back to where you started, reach out along the wall, and BAM! THERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME! duh.

But hey, at least I found it, so whew! Just wish it hadn't taken me so long, cuz I've got shit TO DO!

Right now I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, and removing the talons and scales from my feet at some point so I can wear my footwear of choice during the weekends, flip flops... Oh how I love thee.... You are the best invention ever, except for when it's raining outside and you get all slick and I end up only walking on half of you because you won't stay under my foot and I end up stepping on a hard, sharp rock... Other than that? You are perfection... I can't wait for us to get aquainted again... You know, that is if the weather around here decides to get itself out of a funk and stop being a stubborn asshole, and act like what it's supposed to... you know SPRING, ALMOST SUMMER! fucker... i stopped shaving my legs last week, because really, what's the point? It's too cold to wear a skirt and my office building engineers think it's appropriate to have the climate control set to ARCTIC GALE FORCE WINDS! So yeah, weather, I need an assist from you.... I'm tired of my fingers being blue....

Well! I'm really excited for my evening to begin... it includes some slightly inebriated rolling around on the floor (yoga), and hanging out in the living room, watching the excitement that is my work e-mail inbox... I KNOW! You are so jealous, right? You totally want my life....

*i totally own a clapper too, because I am a LAZY motherfucker... but we unplugged it, because if you just coughed, all sorts of shit would go on and off... sigh... I still think it's genius though....

y'all....

i just did yoga... at home... on my floor with my new, stinky, yoga mat... it was FUCKIN' AWESOME! i feel so good right now, no shittin'!

yeah, so, i COMPLETELY overreacted and went into hyperdrive, and told myself that my life was coming to an end.... i tend to lean towards being slightly dramatic at times. hey, it runs in the family. i told myself (knew) that it was going to be okay, because i knew that i wouldn't have come this far and worked this hard only to crash and burn. but still, it was scary! and you know, i'm suffering through my monthlies, soooo... things tend to be EXTREMELY exaggerated and i tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive... it sucks.

i apologized to all affected by my madness yesterday, and i made a decision to walk away from it. to walk away from anxiety. i can't do it anymore. i actually felt it affect me physically yesterday, and yo! that shit is NOT COOL! tightness in chest, not cool. dizziness, not cool. racing heartbeat, not cool. i cannot continue to stress like that and stay alive. the two things are not compatible.

so! i grabbed my little one, and headed down to target and used her expertise to help me to select a yoga dvd. cuz i really need some peace, stretchiness, and calm, soothing voices in my life right now. the best part was the end, when you go all gimpy on the floor... just straight immobile. that shit was DOPE! literally and metaphorically... i haven't felt that chill or that peaceful in AGES. my back's all loose and tingly, and all i want to do is fall asleep with a smile on my face, and press play on the AM version in the morning.

y'all...

whatever you're going through right now, just know that you can always be surprised. just when you think the end is nigh, a new beginning pops up out of nowhere. just when you thought that it couldn't get any! worse! it gets all fantastic and shit. even if the source of joy is just laying on the floor, and experiencing a sudden and sharp reminder of where your hamstrings are, the real prize is being able to just breathe in.... and breathe out. over and over again...

TORTURE

is what i'm going through right now. if i'm going to be honest with this blogging thing, i gotta do what i gotta do. i stayed away because shit was still fucked up and i didn't want this to become a doom and gloom, constantly in despair type of thing.... but FUCK! i gotta let some stuff off of my chest.

welp, for starters, i'm in a very precarious place at my job, and well, it just sucks. i just get over and through what i thought was the worst part and now there is a new black cloud in the horizon. and it is a HUGE unknown... best part, we find out the answers first thing tomorrow morning! the anxiety is crippling.

next best part, we are currently writing a proposal that is, you know, basically for our jobs. we are currently the long standing incumbents for a particular client, and our shit went up for rebid. i have worked the last at least 40 overtime hours in the last 6 days, and that includes 2 full days over the weekend. i am STRESSED AS FUCK!!!

then my parents are out of town and my sister and i are responsible for "looking after" the house. that means driving 26 miles one way, or 52 miles round trip, to my parents' house every 3-4 days. i drive a car that requires premium (plus) grade gas.... you do the fucking math.

sweetcakes and i just bickered... my little one is was just fighting on the phone with her S.O., and i'm on my period, with a weird muscle spasm-y thing on my left side, just under my bra on the side of my ribs... am i having a heart attack? i certainly hope the fuck not. but it's just tight and generally annoying... the stress... the stress....... THE MOTHERFUCKING STRESS!!!

i'm keeping it together, but it is SO hard... i want to cry but i can't, i just want to step off the world, but i can't, i want to stay home and have a mental health day, but i can't, i want to win $50B and leave all this bullshit behind, but that is never going to happen... i just want out of this madness right now... not life itself, but my life's current situation. i just want to fast forward to the older, wiser part, and dispense my sage advice to young whippersnappers who are at my age/crisis point right now... letting them know that it will all turn out in the end, just look at me!

lawd have mercy y'all.... for reals. i need it. i want to get to the older, wiser part, and know that i was strong enough to get through this, and that i wasn't that much of a fuck-up at the time, and not have to have a menstrual cycle that causes my hormones and anxiety to jump into severe hyperdrive. i want to be the old lady sipping green tea while wearing my birkenstocks and worn-in gardening jeans, on my back deck/patio, while sweetcakes putters around the yard with the lawnmower... i want to know that i have what it takes... that it will be okay.... and that i made it.