clap on!*

So I didn't do the yoga this morning, and that's okay, because I was TY-RED and needed to sleep. I'm still tethered to the computer on stand-by, in case my boss needs me, so yay.

Hate to be redundant, but I really hate anxiety… I cannot see looking at myself in the mirror with gray hairs framing my face, and wrinkles and crevices well established and hopefully well placed on my face, and saying to myself, “God, Michelle! You cannot keep FUCKING UP like this!” I hate worrying about EVERY DECISION I MAKE! I'm slowly learning that some choices are just black and white and not everything is gray. So gray that I need paint swatches to figure out what exactly what kind of gray I'm looking at... and even then, what do I do? I'm learning that I do not have to be neurotic about every, single, little, thing....

The funny thing about growing up is that I know with certainty that there are things that you don’t want to do, like get fired from a job, or drink and drive. Some things I’ve learned from experience and some from watching from afar. But it's the little, nagging things that can blow up into MONUMENTAL! COLOSSAL! CATASTROPHES! I think that is the most important thing that I’ve learned as of late. You can't let the little things go for too long, or else, it WILL come back and bite you in the butt. There are still some nibblers out there, trying to get up there and take a chunk out of my ass (please do by the way, there’s plenty to go ‘round), but I’ve taken care of the major ones. The little scavengers I’ll have to go back and take care of, because that’s all I can do right now, because I unable to kick those little shits to the curb at the moment, and I’m okay with that. That’s the price I have to pay for letting them go too long without taking care of things immediately or when I could have easily. I’m okay with that too… Like the Jay-Z song says, “in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…”

I’m okay with how I’ve lived my life, I think, because otherwise, I would have never gotten to this place of clarity and understanding of what I need to do in order to keep sane and live somewhat happily. Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been baptized by fire, and I’ve been have been burned. It has been so difficult and so dark, but right now, it feels like a switch has been turned on. I’ve seen the light, and I feel so stupid for not seeing the switch the whole damn time. But in my defense, it was dark... and we've all fumbled around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, and thought, "Where is the G.D., muthaf'n, LIGHT SWITCH???!!!" You get all exasperated, and then wander around the room in darkness and go back to where you started, reach out along the wall, and BAM! THERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME! duh.

But hey, at least I found it, so whew! Just wish it hadn't taken me so long, cuz I've got shit TO DO!

Right now I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, and removing the talons and scales from my feet at some point so I can wear my footwear of choice during the weekends, flip flops... Oh how I love thee.... You are the best invention ever, except for when it's raining outside and you get all slick and I end up only walking on half of you because you won't stay under my foot and I end up stepping on a hard, sharp rock... Other than that? You are perfection... I can't wait for us to get aquainted again... You know, that is if the weather around here decides to get itself out of a funk and stop being a stubborn asshole, and act like what it's supposed to... you know SPRING, ALMOST SUMMER! fucker... i stopped shaving my legs last week, because really, what's the point? It's too cold to wear a skirt and my office building engineers think it's appropriate to have the climate control set to ARCTIC GALE FORCE WINDS! So yeah, weather, I need an assist from you.... I'm tired of my fingers being blue....

Well! I'm really excited for my evening to begin... it includes some slightly inebriated rolling around on the floor (yoga), and hanging out in the living room, watching the excitement that is my work e-mail inbox... I KNOW! You are so jealous, right? You totally want my life....

*i totally own a clapper too, because I am a LAZY motherfucker... but we unplugged it, because if you just coughed, all sorts of shit would go on and off... sigh... I still think it's genius though....