solemn

i still have a hurdle of anxiety i need to jump. the occasion for it's resolution occurs tomorrow. i'm SO tired of drama y'all. seriously, i'm growing weary.

mike went to the hospital, via ambulance today, so welp, that was awesome. he's okay, it's a gastrointestinal infection, and he's home, but lawd, the drama, the DRAMA! it did not add too many points to my scale of well-being today. in fact, it made the levels drop a bit. i was at work and helpless to do anything, because i couldn't leave work. i wasn't happy about it, and wasn't happy leaving it all to his mother. i don't think i need to explain why, it just didn't feel good. she's not a bad person, i just felt inadequate.

i saw some of my girlfriends tonight, so that was cool. we had a few drinks, and somehow i ended up walking out of the bar without a bill. i have awesome friends.

so tomorrow, my final hurdle to cross before i can finally see a clear horizon. i'm praying and i am all nerves. i can't be too flippant about things in my life. it has never worked out in my advantage, so i take EVERYTHING seriously. so, i hope and pray with all my might, that tomorrow will just only provide a little jostle, and that i continue to can move on with trying to figure things out, without having to COMPLETELY regroup. all i have to say is PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSE!

whew, enough of that.

to tomorrow and the future.

amen.

ouch

you know, nursing a sick person back to health costs money. every time i go to buy something, i feel like a gambler. i'm like, "come on! mama needs $14.44!!" i pray that it clears....i've bought so much crap, probably gallons of gatorade, alka seltzer, chamomile tea, valerian root capsules, emetrol, saltines, lysol, clorox wipes, etc., etc. whew, i am POOR! i really hope and pray he gets better soon. like tomorrow.

the thing that really sucks, is that because he doesn't have health insurance, we would probably have to pay out of pocket for treatment. we don't have those funds... so his mother, has volunteered if he really needs to go. yeah, that's making me feel so awesome. it's not that his mother is a horrible person, and that i dread this, but i feel horrible that i'm not able to take care of him on my own. it sucks to have to reach out to the parents.

my hands are dry from washing them constantly, and i have found that the scent of crisp linen lysol isn't so bad, as long as you don't walk into it with your mouth open. and i can now eat bacon and sausage while listening to someone violently empty the contents of their stomach. i don't know how that will come into handy in the future, but it might! like if i enter a bacon and strawberry milkshake eating/drinking contest. if i can get past the sound of everyone else hurling, i can DO IT! and i now know that emetrol, which is for babies, may or may not help adults with nausea. i can take the emetrol if the bacon and strawberry milkshakes aren't going down to well.... i will dominate! if not, then everything that comes up will be a violent shade of pink.

i've been calling his mother to give her updates and just sitting out front, medicating myself with beverages containing varying levels of alcohol content. i guess that's pretty stupid, especially if he needs to go to the hospital, but hey, i'm stressed to the max and i'm living it up! lawd have mercy, y'all. i am just tired.

i miss my fiance who is in quarantine, which he has been placed on by me, because i can't miss work. i am kind of loving my job, because it is paying my bills, but i am so very bored by it. and we temporarily have a guy with a severe case of dumb ass who is filling in for our customer while he's in school. he randomly sends out e-mails and tells you to handle it, and provides no history. when you go to ask him about what he just sent, he asks you if he has his shoes on the right feet. he doesn't have two right feet, he's just asking for confirmation as to whether the curvy part on the inside of the shoe matches with the inside of your feet. i'm this close to getting a fat-ass marks-a-lot and putting a "L" and an "R" on the appropriate shoes. and then mixing it up, to see if he can tell the difference (i doubt it) that, and pinning/stringing his mittens together and pinning a note to his teacher on his coat to tell him that this motherfucker is stoop-id. and to please forgive the clomping, but i can't get this dumb fuck to remember the difference between left and right, let alone putting his shoes on the right feet, and wearing a PAIR of shoes at once. not a wooden clog and a sneaker.....

so, maybe i'm exaggerating a little, but i'm not lying when i tell you he sends e-mails to people, with the same attachments that were sent to him, and asks people to print them out and submit them to review. let's all say it together now.... wwwwwwwoooooooooooowwwwww! yeah, it's been T-riffic! i jest (not really), but i need my job, so i'm grateful that i can work for someone who probably needs someone to shake his dick after he's taken a piss. he probably also needs assisting with wiping his ass, so it could be worse. i could be his wife or a home-aid nurse..... moving on... jeesh, can you tell i'm on edge?

despite all this tedium and difficulty, i have seen some funny shit. for instance, i saw this girl running across the bridge, across the tidal basin, and i guess her boob engineering/support wasn't doing the job. she kept making faces, and tenderly touching or, depending on your threshold for pain, sharply jabbing her under-boob area, as she ran. i was almost expecting her to smell her fingers "superstar!" style. it was comic gold, because i couldn't figure out how three fingers being constantly jabbed into your underbreast, on both sides, was going to solve the problem. in fact, i think it would exacerbate the issue, you know, with the PAIN and shit....but, whatever, it wasn't me, and i wasn't the asshat jogging around DC letting everyone know that i like to jab my boobies sharply with my fingers, and, also letting everyone know that i'm not intelligent enough to buy a proper sports bra. that works. she was a b-cup max, people.... it was sad....i can only imagine her ad on craigslist....

so, everybody, please send prayers, thoughts, and hope our way. we need it, and i really hope sweetcakes is just suffering from a virus and nothing more serious. let's hope sweetcakes has a good night of sleep and that i can get back into my bedroom in the near future. because, the futon is really doing nothing for my back. and i miss my baby. i'm even scared to kiss him because i can't afford to miss work. for both of us.

meeeeeehhhhhhh. and happy monday everyone. here's to a better week (taking a sip of cocktail)!!!

road rash

you know, i've found over the past few months that just when you think it can't get worse, it does. but i'm okay. i've nailed down a few things, things that i've had to make certainties. there are things that i've had to establish in order to keep my sanity. it really has not been easy.

some things have gotten better and improved, but it's always what's right around the corner that scares me. right now, two of my very good friends face a very uncertain future, and i'm so very sad and scared for them. it affects my whole circle of friends, and we've all been pretty upset. then just to add insult to injury, as we're all coming to grips with what will be a very different future, sweetcakes is in the bed with a HORRIBLE stomach virus. i have some chicken broth and noodles on the stove in case he's feeling brave enough. he hasn't been able to keep anything down and so very uncomfortable.

money's tight right now, and well, right now sweetcakes doesn't have health insurance. going to an emergency room or urgent care center would be very costly. also, they wouldn't be able to do much about a virus. i did some research on the interwebs and talked to the pharmacist at cvs, and my mother, and all said he's just going to have to suffer. meh. it' s so awesome to hear him hurling into a trash bag every 2-3 hours. i got him some unisom so he can sleep, he hasn't been able since friday night. let's hope for the best.

i'm here, i'm present, i'm on autopilot. all i do is hope and pray and rely on faith. that's all i can do right now, and it's very humbling. so, i give my all to my faith, and lean on it. and by faith, i mean in every sense of the word. i have faith that everything will be alright. i just have to be patient and learn all that i can from this period in my life. i know things will get better, and i also know that as i ride down this road before me, there's always going to be a chance for injury. it stings, it burns, it can leave scars. but, as long as i have all my parts intact, i'll be okay.

AWOL

so sorry.... for the 3 of you who read me. life has been a bitch lately and i'm doing all that i can not to lose my shit. once the dust settles, which should be later this week i'll stop by and say what's up. hope all is well for everyone else.