so-so

that's how i've been feeling as of late, just so-so. i'm waiting for the awesome to come on, and although i'm very thankful for many things in my life, i'm just waiting for more. i just don't know how to activate the "awesome" and it's frustrating. i'm just sitting here, day after day, living, and well, it isn't terribly exciting.

i come to work everyday to a workplace that seems rather ambivalent about my presence. i could be here one day and not the next, and i doubt anyone would really notice. i feel like my boss doesn't really like me, and not that we have to be BEST FRIENDS, but it would be nice if he didn't seem so annoyed by my presence, my every word. i don't know what i have done to offend him so, but it just seems like every time i ask him something, i'm getting on his nerves. even though i shouldn't care, it kind of hurts and, well it sucks. it makes the working relationship very tedious, and i'd just rather not talk to him at all. one day he's in a great mood, and friendly, and the next, he's just annoyed. it just gets old, and since he sits DIRECTLY across from me, it's hard not to let it affect my day.

i try to be friendly to people at all times, and sometimes i even go too far, that's just me. but, i don't understand how people can be so disconnected to the people around them to the point that they just drown them out and ignore them. they can quickly cover their rudeness by saying they're busy or they were deeply involved in something so they didn't hear, but i know that they heard me, and i know they just ignored me. how can you say good morning to me one second and in the next breath when i crack a joke, you completely don't respond. it's just plain rude.

i don't know really how to address this situation, because it's my boss. he can just be straight up rude, and how do i even say anything without coming off crazy or emotional. it makes me feel stupid when this is done, and it affects MY work. every time i've addressed it in the past, he becomes MAJOR ALPHA MALE and i can't get a word in edgewise and all that matters to him is that he's right. i don't even think that he would really care if i said anything to him, and i don't think he would care that i'm upset.

i think he thinks i'm lazy, but really i'm just stuck. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, and what i should do. if i think i've thought of something, it gets struck down, and when i know i'm right, i'm talked over and i'm ignored. i don't know how to combat this without becoming equally combative and, welp, that's not going to go down well. i'm just tired of feeling like i'm of no real use here. i don't think he values me as an employee or as a person. i feel like i'm just here to fill a slot. my feelings are very conflicted about this matter. i need my job, because a little one is on the way, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm wasting my life a way, at a mediocre job, where i'm probably not going to move anywhere, except for up one slot, and where everyone is go-go-GO all the time. i want to feel motivated, i want to WANT to be here. i used to feel that way, but now, i just feel like a poser. i know if i had a new chance, a new opportunity, with different people, i might want to stay in the same area of work, but i just feel like i'm at a dead end right now, and it sucks. he always wants me to "figure it out", but i want to scream "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FIGURING OUT???? YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ANYTHING TO FIGURE!!!!!"

he's young and he's my age, and i think that might be part of the issue. if i don't do it his way, then it's wrong, and if i don't interpret something the way he would, it's wrong. how did he get to be so fucking cocky? it infuriates me. i need some guidance, and i'm not getting any. i want to be an upstart, but i have nothing to propel me. i want to reach out, but the corporate culture that exists in my company would make EVERYTHING a big deal, and they would give me run-of-the-mill, uninspired suggestions. i just feel trapped. this is great company to work for, but my experience has left me feeling dumb, inexperienced, and weak. it's not a good feeling. i know i'm smart, i know i'm intelligent, but i don't feel like it here. i just want to fade into the shadows here, and for those of you who know me, well, that should say a lot.

i'm just venting, i'm frustrated. hopefully i'll figure out something soon, before i go crazy.