awesome!

there is nothing like getting to work, checking yourself out in the mirror and realizing you have TOWEL LINT stuck to your face. leetle pink balls of lint, clinging to your freshly cetaphil-ed face. it is a totally rewarding experience...

i might not have noticed that when i walked out of the door because, i iz soooo ty-red. i'm supposed to wash my hair tonight, and rid myself of "the bun", but i don't know if i'll have the strength for that 2 hour ordeal. all i can think of is bed, pillow, blankets.

so, i'll have to weigh my options. i can either have dirty hair in a bun and wake up and go to work with a lint-free face, or i can wash my hair, blow it dry, and flat iron it, and have miniscule, hot pink, nubules on my face. man, i'm going to have to think about it.

update: lint-free face wins... i'm tired.

raisin'

i just realized how ungrateful i've been, but yet i call myself grateful for all that has been granted to me. i know it sounds cheesy, but just watching this movie, "raisin in the sun", has reminded me of the sacrifices that others have made so that i could be in the situation that i am in. i was raised in the suburbs, i went to college, i have my own place and car. just a few decades ago, this would have not been as easy.

although i have been subject to racism, some overt and some very subtle, at least i have been allowed the opportunity because of the struggle of my ancestors. my father, lived in prince edward county, during the height of brown vs. board of education. the school system, as opposed to integrating, shut down the public schools and opened private ones for the white children. most children's parents couldn't afford to move, or didn't have relatives to take them in elsewhere. so, they just didn't go, they had no other option. my grandparents however, had the means to rent a house in another county so my father and his brothers were able to continue their education.

my father was salutatorian of the first graduating class of the newly "integrated" high school in prince edward county. he went on to college and then joined the military. he went to war and survived to have me and my sister. he went on to graduate school and as a result, our family has never wanted and has lived richly. i went to school without having to worry about they money to pay for it during or after. i had a roof over my head and food to eat. i learned how to read, and learned so much more, something that at one point was illegal....

i bitch about my existence, or the misery of it. but yet, in watching this movie and many others, i am constantly reminded of where i have come from. the people that i come from. i owe them. i owe them to live better and to honor their sacrifices and their hope in persevering, to know it wouldn't all be for naught. i owe them for knowing that it would be better for their children, grandchildren and so on. they took that step towards freedom and empowerment so that i could enjoy the freedoms, rights and joys that are available to me, in this day and age. freedoms and rights that they themselves never enjoyed or enjoyed on a limited status.

for that, i will try and do better. they deserve that honor, they've earned that right. just as they earned me mine, my many rights. for that i will be eternally grateful, and pass it on to my children and to whoever else will listen. we may not be at our most graceful and or grateful, but we must acknowledge them. we must remember the opportunity that is now always present and who it was who bled for us, who suffered for us, who loved us that much to make it worth their while. they deserve our utmost respect and gratitude. i have been raised by giants in amongst a world of ants. i will never, ever, forget that.

to all of my ancestors, to my grandparents, to my parents. thank you.... i am overwhelmed by your love and dedication. i only hope to be worthy of your sacrifice. i will do my best to make you proud. thank you, thank you, and thank you again. i will never be able to say it enough.

i've got the essentials...

beer and toilet paper. and my pooks, and my bed, and cable television. and a stocked kitchen, full of wonderful new toys....but, i'm currently suffering from the monthlies, so, that kinda, no, really sucks. it could have been PERFECT! alas, it wasn't meant to be....

it's snowing right now, on the eve of the WORST WINTER STORM OF 2008 (dun-dun-duuunnnn)! it probably won't be that bad, but we're a bunch of chaunceys here in DC, so, the area will be paralyzed. but, i'm prepared, i'll refer to the french toast alert in order to properly assess the state of emergency. i've got a safeway right across the street...

good luck and god bless folks...

may the federal government shut down tomorrow, amen.

serving

it's always a funny day when you realize that there are things that are bigger than you. i mean, what a fucking blow. how stupid was i to think that my issues were important to, well, THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!? it sucks when you attempt to make yourself relevant only to be handily and swiftly shot down. you stupid little mofo...

i attempted to help my boss today, because 1) he was sick, he had an ear infection and we all know that those are AWESOME! and 2) because he was stressed and said that he had a lot going on. he had tasked me with some work earlier in the day and week, and i had yet to finish it. Simply because i had other work to complete based on time constraints, and that the information i was providing required more research and thought. when he asked me about it today, i knew he was stressed. it's always his way to corral everybody up, in order to assauge his anxiety. so guess what? he wasn't pleased when i didn't snap my heels together and vomit my deliverable on his desk, with a bow, of course. when i asked him if he needed any help with his "a lot going on", he said the following, "no, i just need you to finish what i asked you to do..." ouch.

so, i walked out with my head held...at an angle, like an injured puppy. i told him i would finish the work at home tonight, and that seemed to sate him. now i'm all friggin' paranoid about the work i've done, because he's been known to draw blood with his pen. at least with me anyway. but, i've suffered tonight. i've suffered through, oh, i don't know, doing my JOB, and i think it's going to be okay. if i help him, if i enthusiastically vomit my deliverables ALL OVER HIS DESK, it will make his life easier, as well as mine.

so, when i present my work to him tomorrow, i'll also present him with a Wet One and some air freshener...maybe some fabreze too... you know, for his chair.

optimism

i like the damp of gray days, and how it brings dull edges.
the light never shines too bright, so i have no fear of it shining on me.
i schlup around in the small rivers that gather along the curb and smirk at the dead leaves that collect on the toe of my shoe.
i feel like i've been let in on a secret,
that the planet and universe can have ugly days too.
i smell the wet cement and the aroma of refreshed grime, and want to dress myself in it, like armor.
i want to wear everyone else's misery, ruined shoes, forgotten umbrellas, and too thin coat as an advertisement,
to remind everyone that life sucks.
in little moments, as you feel the water seep into your shoe, or in large ones, as you skid across three lanes of traffic, and in both instances, you lament the loss of your innocence and arrogance.
it's all so humbling when we realize we're human.

then the earth dries up, and the blinding light returns.
how can i smirk at this? where are the puddles to stomp in?
where are the dumb people who surge forward in life, on rainy days, only to fail miserably?
where is my scale of justice?
the sun ironically,
washes all of that away...

then i find that the scales have been leveled,
and shit,
i have to carry my own weight without the security of everyone else's bad day.

so then where i can i find my comfort?

i've found that the sun doesn't burn so much, but rather it warms.
i've found that i can look up, without tripping over things (thanks ani).

i've found the beauty of my beloved's hand wrapped around mine.
i've found the joy in making my sister laugh so hard, without abandon.
i've found the beauty of making others feel at ease, because i understand...
i've rediscovered that writing is cathartic,
whether by pen or key.
i've rediscovered that thing that i felt being 5 years old...

being giddy at putting on my "ballet" after church,
listening to the classical music play, as i wished mightily for gracefulness in my undershirt and tights.

being excited by the unknown, like on christmas morning,
and realizing that miracles do happen,
as i opened up my cabbage patch doll...

being excited that i've lived this long,
despite all my idiocy and stubborness,
and that happiness still lies beyond...

being excited to honestly, to really know,
that i have a chance.

i may not be a ballerina/firefighter/doctor,
but i'm still here,
and i can still dream.
and even if it is somewhat deferred,
it doesn't have to leave me.

optimism: n. 1: a doctrine that this world is the best possible world. 2: an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome.

let that sink in for a minute...

i can comprehend what those words mean,
but more importantly, i've made a choice to live by them.
the alternative,
is well,
somewhat in the gray,
and i've found that the sun feels so much better.
besides, i hate ruining a good pair of shoes...

sh*ts and giggles

today has been an interesting day. i attended a class on a FEDERAL HOLIDAY, because my boss thought it would be a good idea. i learned absolutely nothing, but at least i have a handy-dandy binder in case i need to demonstrate what i've "learned". at least the lunch was good. we were served seated at the table. no cold sandwiches from panera or other sub-par sandwich shops. there were 2 salads, and a pizza for starters, beef tenderloin and spit-roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and broccoli. I got all of the food groups, my mother would be so proud.

i also just finished my self assessment, which we all know is really one of the more pleasurable things that we get to do in life. you spend hours (or days) over what words to permanently put down for others to judge you by. i'm trying to get a promotion, so this was particularly agonizing, but it's done, so, so be it. yeah, i rank the pleasures of writing a self assessment right along with having bubble guts and cannon-balling into a pool... you know how the water gets up there and your asshole slams shut...yeah, it's really pleasant like that. so, here's to hoping for a water-tight asshole and really great pool cleaners.

other highlights of my day included actually having bubble guts, for some god-forsaken reason, and listening to my stomach loudly percolate for all to hear, while in a class full of my peers and co-workers... it was so fucking AWESOME! being that i'm somewhat on the fluffy side, they just probably thought my stomach was like "little shop of horrors".... FEED ME!!! yeah, there's nothing like being the largest girl at the table and your stomach is grumbling near lunch time. the judgement is so palpable... but you know, they can kiss my ass and whatever may come with it. hope they like gruel...

weekend follow-up: the margaritas and karaoke were a hit. we got shushed by my roommate, or damn, fiance, so it was a success (just kidding pooks)! oh, and there was beer too. song selections included "baby got back", "beat it", "rock with you", "california dreamin'" and other songs that sound really, really good when you're drunk. there was also a SURPLUS of junk food. it was ridiculous (sorry b.). whilst consuming various alcoholic beverages and bothering my neighbors and their pets (oh, the howling!), there was lots of talk and lots of "i fucking love you man". so, in my book, that equals success. also a bonus, there were no reports of abusive gravity. but i know that asshole, he shows up when you're at your most vulnerable, like when you push off on a pirouette, and you haven't done one since the 10th grade. did you know it's possible to deeply bruise your heel? yeah, me too neither, but that's what happens when an entertainment center and gravity are in cahoots. fuckers...

so, hope you guys had a successful 3-day weekend, and that it included whatever makes you happy. if not, it will get better, and fuck the rest. february will soon be over!!! but it is black history month, so in all earnesty... we shall overcome. have a happy tuesday.

heh.

oh my god. i just wrote a wonderful post illustrating how god damn (sorry) awful this month has been and i just fucking deleted it.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! if you see a crazy lady with her dirty hair rolled up in haphazard bun, and a lint-ball-y sweater running around screaming, that would be me.

so did i tell you this month sucks? it sucks so fucking bad. for everyone i know, except for my friend toni, who had a surprise birthday party thrown for her, and she's leaving to go to the bahamas tomorrow with her man. i hate her. i don't even know why i hang out with her. she sucks too. meh. yeah, so everyone has been caught up in this funnel of suck, but i have something that gives me gravity during these trying times. alcohol. particularly, vodka and tequila, in no particular order. oh, and beer too.

so, i'm hoping that my weekend will be wonderfully boring. my sister is coming over and i think i shall reel her into the dark and grimy world of comcast's on demand KARAOKE! i am certain there will be choreography with said karaoke and i know she is going to JAM (ohhh jam)! i think i should put down towels and padding though, because after my sister has a few drinks, her bones and joints don't work. and well, gravity has a field day with that sort of thing. so needless to say, i think we shall both be sufficiently entertained. but i can't talk, because well, gravity and i have had some disagreements before, and he's an abusive lover. he beats me. he beats me bad.

wow... ummm, can we pause for a minute? i fear that i may have just talked out of my ass (that smell isn't me, see upper lip). i JUST talked about how alcohol gives me gravity and then i discuss how me and gravity don't get along. yeeeahhh. unfortunately, this brand of circular logic is something that i excel at. and i'm not even drinking yet! i really should stop while i'm ahead...moving along.....

i think this post perfectly illustrates how tragic this month has been. and it's a leap year! so we have one. extra. day. of feeling like we're being clubbed in the head, like baby seals, repeatedly. i fear the bloodshed will be horrific. FEBRUARY ALEXANDER JONES! what do you have to say for yourself?! nothing? yeah, well fuck you too. at least there's vodka, tequila, and beer too. i find comfort in the little things, like blogging at work, whilst dreaming of margaritas. which i'm doing for the first time EVAR! not the dreaming of margaritas (puh-leeze), but blogging at work. which is an excellent time suck, which is a form of suck i enjoy.

so happy friday everyone! i hope your month is going SO much better than mine.

well sir, i tend to disagree

have you ever had the perfect night marred by retardation? yeah, me too. isn't it so frustrating when you're with someone you love so much, and the golden light is wasted by poor, obtuse, obstructed vision? yep... exactly.

love, what a chore, and what a vision...

i can see clearly what lies ahead, i hope it's even better than that. i'm such a sucker for hope and faith, otherwise i wouldn't be able to manage. so, as i wait for my prince to emerge, i can only think of the wonderfulness to come. to smell him, feel him, and hopefully to see his smile. it causes the grinch effect every single time, my heart grows exponentially.

good news is that i have a good amount of space to allow for that expansion. i hope my heart grows so big that my chest can barely contain the goodness within, the deliciousness if you will. i want it, i want it bad. so ... here's to filled cavities and the continuity of the unknown. i wish you all such good health...

this sh*t right heeere!

wow, i apologize in advance for the redundancy. but life's a bitch. every TIME i think i know something, when i think i'm firm, my feet are swept from underneath me. i'll spare you from the gory details, but a very dear friend of mine was in a car accident. i will just give you bullets:

• lots of drinking!
• tequila shots even!
• driving = bad idea
• totalled car
• medevac = helicoptor
• icu

but yeah, they released her today. but i'm pissed at her. i've had to stop her before from committing the same deadly sin. she even cursed me out in her drunkeness, because i shamed her in front of her co-workers. well, i am an asshole, but, that had nothing to do with it. sometimes i do it just 'cause, but if i love you, i'm an asshole on PURPOSE!! you WILL see the light through your stupidity!!! dammit!

i wish i had been there, we left early. frankly, because i had a quite a bit to drink (see tequila shots above - don't ask about numbers, asshole). but, i love myself and my family so much, that i make an active effort to avoid tragedy. i don't understand blatant stupidity. because, well, it's stupid, and i don't understand that language.

but, instead of lambasting her, i will thank my GOD that she's still here with us, missing a few chunks of skin and a whole, complete neckbone. i would have accepted a limp as well.... but she's here, and i couldn't be more thankful.... because damn, that bitch isn't going to fuck up MY monday morning... they already suck enough.