the days after

E-mail sent to my sister, who shares my sorrow in regards to office building climate control:

"Subject: WHYYYYYYYY?

MUST IT BE 40 BELOW ZERO IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?????? I have my space heater (on as high as it can go) damn-near shoved up my a**, and I have on sleeves, under a sweater, and I'm about to drape another sweater over that...

Seriously, it does not need to be this cold, for any reason whatsoever... I mean is somebody making ice cream or chocolates around here? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Am I working in the walk-in at some restaurant? Seriously, I don't need to refrigerate sh*t around here...I can leave it on my desk. Actually, it might be warmer on the refrigerator... Something might turn into a block of ice if I leave it out here...."

i said d-d-d-dam-m-m-mi-t-t-t-t (teeth chattering), it’s COOOOOOOLD!

So, the days after the Big Push, ’08 have been quite blah and vanilla. I’ve been eating a high fiber diet, and that has really been the highlight of my days… Wondering how long I can sit at my desk with out spontaneously combusting from the processing of raw vegetables and high fiber bread/snacks. You can hear the creaks and bubbles, and uh… it’s kind of embarrassing… how do you play that off? Do you say, “ooh, excuse me! I have gas!” which makes it seem like you just farted in front of someone, or do you keep it in and make everyone quiet, and everyone who is in a 20-30 foot radius, will think that you have wailing banshees residing in your intestines? oh, such a quandary.... Heh... I just realized that in the first sentence I wrote the "Big Push". I'm not constipated! I just have been going through a lot of shit... or whatever... YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!! assholes...

So I got my tax stimulus check, and yeah, it’s already gone… :-( I’m trying to debate on whether I save some for spending, or put it all towards debt. I think part of it is going to end up going to towards my credit cards…. Then the rest may be spent on a manicure/pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten) and maybe some sort of new gear.

My clothes really suck right now, I actually quite loathe them. They are old, and plain, and now… drumroll please…. TOO FUCKING BIG! Now, I know that I will soon be humbled when I walk into my nearest retail establishment, because during the one time I go shopping, which is like every 5 years or so… (sad, but true), the size numbers have decreased exponentially and what I thought I could wear size-wise, is now has the proper proportions to fit 0-2 year olds… they may as well put that on the label, and quit jerking us around... or i could stop trying to shop in the children's section...

it’s a cruel, cruel thing… but dammit, I’m big boned-ed… it’s already bad enough that I can’t find anything that does nothing but drape and fall and is cut TOO DAMN BIG!! Also adding insult to injury, is that nothing is truly cute, and nothing is on sale. Walking on the back of my pants, not being able to see the shape of my ass through all the fabric puddling at the top of my thighs, and wearing the same damn black cardigan almost EVERY DAY, is really sucking. I stand in the full length mirror like and pretend I have Stacy and Clinton (from “What Not To Wear”) standing behind me, and I grab the extra folds of fabric and say it to myself like they do “LOOK AT YOU!! YOU’RE NOT THAT BIG!!” and then I dream of the money and the lifestyle that must be possible in order to get your shit tailored… cuz mama doesn’t have it right now… mama barely has it to get dry cleaning done…It does nothing for the self esteem… I need some new shit. But now that I think about it, I really should wait until I lose a smidge more… just for shits and giggles... and my sanity... so that I can be CERTAIN that i fit in what used be a size 16, and is now truly cut for a junior's size 0. what size 16 bitches do you know whose total thigh circumference equals 13 mm?? yeah, that's what i thought... moving ON!

I’m sitting here torn right now as to whether I wash my hair and shave my legs OR exercise AND wash my hair AND shave my legs…. This is such an earth-shattering decision because it is THURSDAY people!! GOOD SHIT COMES ON TV!!! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!! LOST!!! I know I have DVR, but it’s no fun watching it after everyone has already had their yuks and gotten their jollies… you snooze, you lose, you know what i'm sayin'? We’ll see, I have to stop at the grocery store too on the way home, so that may steal all my thunder and then we’ll be lucky if I shave my legs… pray for your souls.

I think I shall compromise… I shall wash my hair and shave my legs and do yoga… later in the evening… I don’t think I’m stretched out or limber enough to do cardio without being in serious pain and I want to go out dancing tomorrow night. Even with a 3 OR 573 beers in me, it still counts as cardio when you’re dancing your ass off right?

Yeah…. That’s the ticket! Hee!