TORTURE

is what i'm going through right now. if i'm going to be honest with this blogging thing, i gotta do what i gotta do. i stayed away because shit was still fucked up and i didn't want this to become a doom and gloom, constantly in despair type of thing.... but FUCK! i gotta let some stuff off of my chest.

welp, for starters, i'm in a very precarious place at my job, and well, it just sucks. i just get over and through what i thought was the worst part and now there is a new black cloud in the horizon. and it is a HUGE unknown... best part, we find out the answers first thing tomorrow morning! the anxiety is crippling.

next best part, we are currently writing a proposal that is, you know, basically for our jobs. we are currently the long standing incumbents for a particular client, and our shit went up for rebid. i have worked the last at least 40 overtime hours in the last 6 days, and that includes 2 full days over the weekend. i am STRESSED AS FUCK!!!

then my parents are out of town and my sister and i are responsible for "looking after" the house. that means driving 26 miles one way, or 52 miles round trip, to my parents' house every 3-4 days. i drive a car that requires premium (plus) grade gas.... you do the fucking math.

sweetcakes and i just bickered... my little one is was just fighting on the phone with her S.O., and i'm on my period, with a weird muscle spasm-y thing on my left side, just under my bra on the side of my ribs... am i having a heart attack? i certainly hope the fuck not. but it's just tight and generally annoying... the stress... the stress....... THE MOTHERFUCKING STRESS!!!

i'm keeping it together, but it is SO hard... i want to cry but i can't, i just want to step off the world, but i can't, i want to stay home and have a mental health day, but i can't, i want to win $50B and leave all this bullshit behind, but that is never going to happen... i just want out of this madness right now... not life itself, but my life's current situation. i just want to fast forward to the older, wiser part, and dispense my sage advice to young whippersnappers who are at my age/crisis point right now... letting them know that it will all turn out in the end, just look at me!

lawd have mercy y'all.... for reals. i need it. i want to get to the older, wiser part, and know that i was strong enough to get through this, and that i wasn't that much of a fuck-up at the time, and not have to have a menstrual cycle that causes my hormones and anxiety to jump into severe hyperdrive. i want to be the old lady sipping green tea while wearing my birkenstocks and worn-in gardening jeans, on my back deck/patio, while sweetcakes putters around the yard with the lawnmower... i want to know that i have what it takes... that it will be okay.... and that i made it.