brain fart

it's been awhile since i've visited. i'm so very neglectful and i apologize. mommy will never leave you again! But for serious, nothing terribly exciting has been going on. i'm just chillin', which is great! the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is letting out a little bubble fart while i was talking to someone on the way to the bathroom...

but seriously though, can i talk to you for a minute? i have a confession.... i love farting... i think it is awesome. i mean not when someone else does it, only when i do it. i mean, i don't think any one can deny the pleasure of being alone and just letting one rip. it could be loud, stinky, whatev, you're alone and now you feel relieved of that pressure that was once bothering you. It's also good for a few chuckles! for instance, my sister was over chillin' this weekend and i did the courteous thing and and announced that i would be passing potentially aromatic emissions, and it just ended up being really, really loud, and it actually kind of startled me! because we have the combined maturity level of a 7 year old boy, we fell out laughing and she said, "it never gets old!" it's also good for torture, particularly if you are engaged to me and sleep in the same bed. pooks said to me the other day, in his sweet, calm, dulcet voice: "You've got ONE MORE TIME to fart in the bed while my head is under the covers!" YEAH, DUTCH OVEN BABY!!! seriously, farting is great.

my father for instance, is a very dignified man, yet he can be extremely crude at times, and i think that's where my sister and i get our sense of humor from. we visited my grandmother recently, and the room we stay in has a door that leads directly into the bathroom. you can hear a lot is all i'm saying. so as my sister and i are readying ourselves for CHURCH, we hear my dad rustle the paper and commence to fart away on the toilet. he knows we're RIGHT NEXT DOOR! so my sister and i commenced to laughing hysterically while attempting to put on eye make-up. thank goodness for steady hands.... i would also like to state that my sister's and my respective ages are 31 and 25. it is so sad. us laughing and saying "did you hear daddy farting?" no respect i tell ya, no respect.

for a brief off-fart subject, something equally funny happened that weekend. while my 86 year old grandmother began to say grace at her birthday dinner, the restaurant audio system, began playing the surf-classic "Wipeout"... loudly... i barely kept it together...

i'm trying to perfect the car fart. i mean sometimes it can be a little difficult, because you're trying to keep your face from scrunching up, and trying to surreptitiously lift up your butt cheek of choice. most people know what that means and then know what your doing... the windows are see-through... (hello nosepickers!) however, that is not the most tricky part of car farting. car farting is difficult, because should you need to exit the car immediately after lifting a cheek there is the potential for the aroma to follow you. this is a very scary and very real thing, kind of like farting just before you get on the elevator, it never, EVER works, the stink will trail you. on the entertainment front, farting in the car is good because if you want to torture someone, like my aforementioned pooks, you can fart and then lock the windows!! look at 'em squirm!!! sometimes i get a little drunk with power.... either that or the fumes from my own ass have caused delirium....

i'm also working on perfecting the work fart. sometimes, my stomach gets so gassy that it sounds like i farted out loud, but it's on the inside. that is always so much fun... especially when it builds up so much that you're concerned you that you farting may have a jet-pack effect, and propel you stinkily down the hallway. trying to keep that in can be quite an endeavor, which is why, at least for me, the gas always wins, i must release it. so i go to the bathroom for a little relief and hopefully to regain some of my dignity, after i've been sitting in my cube phantom farting.

people can hear a lot in a cube situation... like when i guzzle down my drink and i sound like 3 year old drinking juice from a sippy cup. i drink with gusto! but back to farting... once you're in the bathroom, then what do you do? do you just stand in the stall and fart? do you pull down your pants to just sit down and fart? and if you do, why is it when someone comes in right when you're about to release the "equalizer" fart, the one that restores your body's equilibrium, and all is right with the world. the one you may actually say "whew!" after... and i mean in relief, fuck the stench, that baby is FREE! the equalizer fart, is one that is so loud that if you do let it out when someone's in bathroom with you either stay in the stall until they leave so as to avoid being identified, or you fret that someone may call 911, because surely you must being dying in there. i mean the noise can be deafening at times, like the sound of machine gun ricochet (sometimes there's even recoil), or like the world's LOUDEST TUBA is stuck IN YOUR ASS. but honestly, in the end, aren't we all a little proud of our work? thinking to yourself, "i had no idea that i was capable of doing that!"

the work fart is also scary because sometimes those little bubble farts (like the one mentioned above), can end up being the STANKIEST of the bunch, and all you can do is turn off the space heater in your cube (unless you really want to share), and frantically reach for the can of air freshener (bought for such emergencies and the stinky cat-dog lady who sits next to me) and hope that you can smother the smell before it escapes. this is especially imperative to me, because my MALE BOSS sits directly across from me, and can you IMAGINE???? i don't even want to think about it... and whatever you do, DO NOT get up and walk around, see elevator/car fart above. i've smelled people do it, and it isn't pretty folks... just say no. you are not fooling anyone, i can see the green cloud of stench hovering around you...

so, yeah, farting, that's what's up in my world. it's not much, but it never get's old! heh.