the horror...

february decided to get the last laugh in a seriously fucked up way.

i can't even bring it up right now, because it hurts too bad, for all parties involved. i'll just say this, i saw a dear, loved one shed blood and was forever altered.

i'll never get over it.... i felt i should have been there, next to her, to save her. it was all chance though... someone was standing where i usually stand, which is directly next to her.

i feel guilt over the last beer i encouraged her to drink. although there was no chance of drunk driving involved, i wonder if it was that last drink that caused it.

i wonder about if we had left earlier... that last drink wouldn't have been encouraged... if we had stuck to the plan....

i wonder about us preparing to tell a lie, me preparing to tell a lie... and if that was payment for the anticipated sin....

i feel like i should have been better and that i should have provided a better example. i feel so tortured and pained and bereft, that my dear, dear, dear heart, one of the penultimate joys of my life, was hurt in my presence. it is the price i'll pay for the rest of my life... knowing that if was living a better life, this may have never had to happen.

i know this though... i will never let my guard down again. i will be more responsible, i will do better, because she deserves it. i owe her that. her happiness helps to drive my being, and i can't stand knowing she's in pain. i would die for her... with no hesitation...

to my heart, my little blessing, to the best thing that has ever happened to me... to the one who made us a "family"... we may continue to disagree, we may continue to argue, at times we may continue to falter... but i swear, i'll from now on, to do my best to honor you and your wishes. i'll do better and i'm sorry i couldn't protect you this time... i would give anything to have been next to you, so i could have caught you.

i meant what i said on the back of that picture. i will always be here and i will do better next time. i'm here to protect you... i'm sorry i failed. i swear, i'll lay down my life to ensure that it won't happen again.

i love you... and i'm sorry...
please forgive me.