wow

so, i've really enjoyed turning 31. it's been AWESOME! really, i'm not being facetious. you know what happened? i realized how blessed i really am. my WONDERFUL fiance organized a surprise party and before said surprise party he took me to get my nails did and got me some black chuck taylors. oh, and some hefeweizen.... what more can a girl ask for? my sister came to the party, so did my BOSS! and all those that i love nearly and dearly... except for a few (they were out of town). there was dancing and tequila shots (with my BOSS!), and lots of merriment. sweetcakes even thought to get my cake in my school colors (orange and blue ~ GO HOOS!). in short, it was fantastic. i looked good, i felt good and truly enjoyed my company.

i mean, i've fought for so long against sadness, against my self-imposed devastation, and a generally malignant attitude towards life. i never understood why i was here and what the point was. if i couldn't make myself happy, how could i possibly make anyone else happy, so i felt that i was just a waste of space. i oftentimes contemplated falling backwards off a building, so i couldn't see my imminent demise, rushing towards me. that's how i was living my life, i was living suicide... i was setting up the steps to not being here, not living life. i was actually okay with not existing... it was a scary place and time. things have changed.

i now really, really, realize that life is a blessing. i'm here, i'm present, i get to enjoy stuff. i get to enjoy all of life's bounty, should i choose to go after it. i now realize that i have a choice, to suffer or be happy. it's really not a hard decision.

it's not that i've suddenly emerged from depression, it's not that i'm being flippant. i just realized that i treated MYSELF with disdain, and i felt that happiness was for suckers. i thought those people were confused and deluded. jeezy peezy, pot calling kettle... i know that those moments will return, when i don't even want to see what the sky looks like that day, and that i have to heavily medicate myself in order to prevent myself from making stupid decisions. but i feel better equipped now, i see the signs more clearly and i am proactive, versus being reactive, which never works out. and i'm tired of being surprised everytime it doesn't. i'm tired of my bullshit.

i'm finally optimistic again, and i look forward to my life. i look forward to living. i look foward to filling my lungs with air, marveling at the beauty of a clear blue sky, being lulled by the sounds of the ocean, and loving HARD on everyone and everything that is near and dear to me. relishing every moment that i'm blessed with and realizing how blessed i am to open my eyes every morning, God willing. to have my mommy and daddy, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt, my uncles, my cousins, my sweetcakes. this, right now, is good. it really, really is.



'nuff said.