To my beloved (sweetcakes)

Thank you so much for everything. It has been hard this year, but WE MADE IT! We've fought a lot and gone through some very dark times, and I've done things that I am not very proud of. For that I am so very sorry, but only with you, would I want to be better about it. I know that I can be self-absorbed, selfish, and bratty, but you take in all in stride, kiss me on my forehead, and keep it moving. You know that I'll work it out in time, and when I can't, you get in my a** as required. I never like it, but I know if you're doing it, it's necessary. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, and just yuck, because I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT AND YOU KNOW IT! Ahem.

You have had to go through some things yourself this year, that I know weren't easy, and were scary. I'm proud of you for making it through, and though your smile was diminished, you didn't let it completely vanish. I'm proud of you, for not letting it beat you, and I love you for doing it for yourself, and even doing a little of it for me. Thank you. I don't know why you had to go through all that you did, and it made me angry, and I was scared, and felt alone. I was angry that all this was happening to you, because you've already suffered so much hurt, and it just wasn't fair. I didn't know why this was happening to you.... What were we supposed to be learning from this? I guess what I got, is that even though I'm angry at the situation, I can't take it out on you, and that you need me, just as much I as I need you. I guess that didn't really become so crystal clear until this year. I hope I got it in time so that you were at least comforted a little bit by my presence. I know it wasn't all rainbows, hearts, and kittens, and for that I'm sorry. I should have been better and thank you for forgiving me.

I thank you for being there for me during my moments of crisis, and soothing me, which is a near-impossible task. I get so worked up, that I can't see anything except doom and destruction, and there's no way that I will escape it. I was in tears and so unhappy for the first part of this year, and inconsolable, except for by you. Thank you for being my rock, my superhero, my everything. Thank you for holding me, for telling me it was going to be okay, thank you for holding my hand, letting the light in, and showing me that the world isn't such a horrible, awful, scary place. Thanks for helping me grow up (kind of), and showing me how to be a big girl. I still need work, but I am much less fearful, thanks to you.

But the end of this year, has brought the most shocking and overwhelming and AWE-SOME surprise. I guess I talked it up!! I was in shock, and still am, but more and more, I AM SO EXCITED by the fact that I am carrying OUR CHILD!!! WTF???? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I mean, I know HOW, but I mean what in the WORLD????? There is a little bit of me and a little bit of you, growing in my belly and, well, I'm starting to warm up to the idea! I'm also about to become a wife, which is weird. I've been with you so long, that well, I don't know. I've always thought of you as my s.o., my life partner, but husband? It's just going to put things in a different light, and I'm excited. To be a wife and a mother... WHAT? THE? F*CK??? IT IS SO BIZARRE!!! But exciting... Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm happy, just overwhelmed by all the changes coming my way, coming our way. We'll be okay right? I know we will... But you know me, I ALWAYS NEED REASSURING! I look forward to getting to know you better, to building a deeper, more connected, and understanding relationship. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you without all the haze of all the junk. I’m excited, because I feel like this is more for real, without a buffer (or excuses). It's been a rocky start, but since we talked, I think it will only get better.

I guess that's it. I love you baby, even though I don't act like it at times, and I know you maybe wondered, but know that I always do, and that I'm always EXTREMELY grateful. Thank you for being patient, kind, and just overall, a better person than me. I aspire to be like you one day when I grow up. ;-) I may get frustrated, I may get angry, but I can't imagine my world without you. I'd be so lost. Thank you, for choosing me, thank you for staying with me and all my CRAZY, and thank you for this baby. Thank you, and I love you, there aren't words really to express how much, but just imagine me standing there with my arms stretched WIIIIIIIIIDE OPEN, saying "THIS! MUCH!" I LUB YOU! That is all.

so much more lamer

i haven't written anything in 50 trillion years. i've been busy and stuff. right now i am currently and sick and gosh darnit, 3 readers, i'm going to say it out loud, pregnant. jeesh, i feel so much better already. i really wish i could take drugs, but alas, i want my baby to be fully formed and stop drooling after a certain age on it its own. knock on wood.

in any case, sweetcakes is working again, and we both get paid tomorrow. can i get an AMEN???!!! whew! it has been painful these past months, but now that he's working again, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is GLORIOUS my friends, glorious! my most pressing plans with my money? buying replacement filters for the humidifiers because, DAMN! it is dry as a MOFO in our apartment and my sinuses have decided to punish me, harshly. i don't even want to talk about what i've hawked up after clearing my sinuses.... lets just say that it had more texture than i would have liked, then ANYONE would have liked... it was damn near solid. TMI? my bad... i also read that this is normal during pregnancy, for you to feel like you have silly putty in all of your nasal cavities. so, greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

also, hormones are on high. i cry at commercials, i cried when reading christmas cards, i cry because my clothes are on the floor and i'm too lazy to pick them up. i just cry VERY EASILY and it is annoying as hell. i was already emotional to begin with, but this? this is just stupid. that is all i have to say about that.

also on the pregnancy front, i find that i am perpetually, constantly HUNGRY and hungry for JUNK FOOD! I WANT RIBS! HAMBURGERS! PIZZA! and every once in awhile, a salad. i had some orange juice and an apple today, so that's good right? i had mcdonald's for lunch yesterday, which kind of makes me ill to think about it, since i had CHICKEN MCNUGGETS the night before! and guess what i want for lunch today? MORE MEAT! it is sad... and disgusting. i need some more vegetables in my life. but they just aren't as delicious as juicy, savory, filling, meat. do you see? do you see what this alien has done to my brain? that could have been porno talk if you just read that out of context, but no, i'm talking about getting a gyro or something.... meaty. i'll feel better once i go grocery shopping and get some more healthy crap, but right now, i'm living it up, because i'm poor and i can only afford junk food. it's a damn shame. maybe i'll compromise and get subway....

in any case my beloved 3 readers, i'm alive and well, and been wanting to write, and finally said fuck it, i'm writing on my blog at work. THERE I SAID IT AND DID IT! SO.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

i know, i'm so lame...... baby steps (heh) people, baby steps.

question for you all 3 readers (leetle one, you are excluded, because i've asked you before and you are LAME!): how does one tell there strict, old-fashioned father (who you love to death), that you're pregnant (and unmarried, but ENGAGED)? please help. i gotta do it soon....

i can't stop....

EATING!

seriously, it's like the "full" sensor is broken, and i cannot stop. luckily i can still fit in my clothes, on the small end, and i still have no idea how... it is a small (LARGE) miracle...

i ate SO much this weekend... chipotle on friday, carrabba's on saturday and PAPA JOHN'S on sunday... seriously, i feel sick just thinking about it. then when i try to eat something healthy my vomit sensors kick in. i was just telling my sister that last when i ate some vegetable crudites my gag reflex was starting to kick in... it was ROUGH! i'm not even being funny... i think i overdid it a couple of weeks ago, and now, the thought of salads and carrot sticks make me want to call earl.... so, now i am apparently making up for all the "healthy" before... please help me.

then tonight, pooks cooked some DELICIOUS pasta, which i had seconds of, and then i had about 10-15 spoonfuls of haagen dazs... i have GOT to start walking.... or else i am going to be the size of a whale soon.... but i did eat some yogurt and a pear today, so that's good right?

in other news, i um, use baby powder as a part of my daily regimen... so, why did i apparently put SO MUCH on, that when pooks saw something on the back of my pants, he batted my behind, which promptly produced a small CLOUD of baby powder. ummmm, yeah, i had a case of the mondays... so i obviously changed. i was half asleep this morning b/c i could NOT go to sleep last night, because i COULD NOT get comfortable...it was miserable. then to add insult to injury.... i ate two servings of ice cream yesterday... and i would like to note that i am lactose-intolerant, so it was fun for EVERYBODY last night. especially pooks! heh.

lastly, i would like each and everyone of you (all 3 of you) to call your siblings (if you have them) and tell them you love them. one of my best friends lost her brother this morning... he didn't tell anyone how sick he was, so no one was prepared... meeehhhhhhhh. so sad.

so leetle one, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU! SO! VERY! MUCH!

i apologize for the rambling, disjointed post... it will get better. just breaking this thing back in... :-)

i'm so lame

i haven't written in ages...

it's been crazy. i'll try to write more regularly. i PROMISE! but right now, i have a date with some brownies and a glass of milk. i told you it's been WILD over here!

i lub you 3 readers... a whole bunch!

Addendum: definition of love

quoted from Paradise, by Toni Morrison:

"The cross he held was abstract; the absent body was real, but both combined to pull humans from backstage to the spotlight, from muttering in the wings to the principal role in the story of their lives. This execution made it possible to respect - freely, not in fear - one's self and one another. Which was what love was: unmotivated respect."

unmotivated respect....wow.

whaddup?

i know i haven't been around for AWHILE. shame on me... i apologize to all 3 of my "regular" readers...

things that have been going on with me:

• dealing with the health issues of my sweetcakes.
• after dealing with health issues of my sweetcakes, chillin' the FUCK out.
• still chillin'.
• doing a lot of cooking... good stuff. my 3 readers can attest to that.
• improving my sh*t at work, getting on everyone's good side... just cuz. it's better that way.
• drinking shitloads of and becoming addicted to (again) coffee. starbucks french roast to be exact.... it's "extra bold", like me!
• not exercising.
• hanging out with my sister and her (our) crazy-ass friends. and laughing a lot. and ice-luge-ing...which is in a word, AWESOME!
• and constipation. despite eating double fiber bread, fiber one bars, and as of late, eating more vegetables.

in regards to the last issue, methinks that the handfuls of chocolate m&m's i shove into my mouth by the fistful after eating a healthy dinner, aren't helping. but they're SO good! they do their job and melt in my mouth! don't be nasty.... but it's SO good!

anyhoodle... today was a blah day. it was slow at work, due to 9/11. the day still messes with me. i try not to let it overwhelm me, but i know the tears are coming. i was so ANGRY that day. when i rode past the pentagon and saw it smoldering, i was angry. "how dare they?! in my country?! in my backyard?!" my dad used to work there, my dad at that time, still walked its halls occasionally. it was too close.

and while i was angry, i felt protective of every person of middle eastern descent. i wanted to wrap my arms around them, and tell them, "i'm so sorry, i know this isn't you." they have been some of the most kind, warm, and HONEST people i have ever had the fortune to know. and the fact that i had that warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart, despite the transgressions of their distant countrymen, let me know that we can move on, and build together. we do not have to cleave to the misgivings of our forefathers, of our fathers.

let's move on folks, let's move on. i'm tired of the same shit, and i'm concerned about the fate of this country if we don't move on from what we know, to what we should be doing. if we don't, this country will be shot to shit. let's respect the foundation our forefathers, and fathers built and use it as a platform to shift the paradigm that we depend upon for our bearings. our collective idea of this country, whether you want to admit it or not, is huge part of who we are, individually. we are americans, again, whether we like it or not, and our stance in the world affects our daily steps. quite frankly, our pride. don't get it twisted, i'm really, fucking, PROUD to be an american. that being said, i really care about the state of her, america, and i see right now that she's really sick. she needs our help, our care, our attention, our DEDICATION!

let's stick with what we know works and move towards solutions for the things that are broken. let's stop being stubborn and holding onto the whole "us vs. them" mentality. in the words of the poetic and hopefully prophetic rodney king, "can't we all just get along?" can't people allow their minds to move past stereotypes and to seek fellowship amongst each other? can't we soothe, hush, and embrace and let each other know it's going to be okay?

i'm tired. you know, you can put lipstick on a pig, and it will look prettier. particularly if it has full lips.

lub y'all.

nostalgia

i long for cursive-script, swirly, sunday mornings... where the sun shines on the dust that floats through the stillness...

you inhale and exhale and watch the swirl pattern of the air alter and change for your intrusion...into the calm that was your former unconsciousness...

you note the shift, and stir slightly only to dig yourself deeper into the alternative... ignorant bliss. choosing not to be aware or a part of the madness that surely accompanies moving amongst our own kind. tired.

yet you rally and gather your reserves and face the day with memories of how much fun everything else was and is.

then, there is an instinctive pause... something is off...

no one else is bustling about at this hour, and you notice how the air is still. bewildered and bemused, you begin your motions.

swing your feet around,
place them on the floor,
gain your bearings,
rise,
walk...

the possibilities after those universal steps are endless...

you gain your bearings...

the 5-day weather forecast indicates that it is still indeed the weekend.

the edges soften, and the corners of your eyes release. you dig in a little deeper.

ah. ignorant bliss. yet for one more day.

flavor: delicious