Hurt and Damaged

This stuff just hurts.  It has made me cry.  Regardless of what may have happened, what happened to "innocent until proven guilty in a court of law"?  I hate that skin color allows for an unlawful speedy right to trial...  Let me just say this:  Everyone has hopes, dreams, and aspirations.  Racism is unfortunately inherent in American culture due to societal and familial indoctrination (on both sides).   It is what it is.  That taints the hopes and dreams that we all have.  Do me a favor everyone:

Remember your mother, your father, grandparents, siblings, etc.   Remember how you stayed up talking, and remembering all the good times from the past, and talked about the future like it was a given?  Your safety was assumed.   Then remember that more than a few families are missing someone deeply, all because their skin was other than peach, and they were judged before they even got into a courtroom.  Realize that they have been judged as evil, just because they were born of a heritage that robbed them of their dignity, indoctrinated them to be submissive, made education a crime, and marked them through the census, and then robbed them of their earned-through-blood right to vote.  How are those who disenfranchised supposed to act?  Isn't that how Anerica was founded?  So why are the ones whose blood was spent in building its wealth not afforded the same dignity as the founding fathers?  WE WERE STOLEN, SOLD AND BROUGHT HERE AS SLAVES!   We have been marked ever since.  How is that fair?  You read that shit, and you tell me how it is fair that we have suffered and systematically been subjected to repeated indignity due to the indelible mark of our heritage?  I fucking dare you.

But really, I fucking dare you to be a better person, to get out of your fucking head and consider those around you.  The funny thing about humans is that we pretty much have the same equipment,but with different camoflauge.  So if YOU'RE cold?  GUESS WHAT?   If your chill is dictated by the weather, the human next to you is probably experiencing the same thing, regardless of the color of their skin.  Remember your family and loved ones, and remember HUMANITY!  Remember that we all know love associated with our family and the pain associated with the loss of it.  We all feel the same shit, why is one more valued than the other?

truth

I know it's uncomfortable, but I have to speak on this.  African Americans are here because our ancestors were stolen/sold from their homes.  We have had no choice in becoming deeply woven in the history of this country.  Fortunes were built on the backs of our forefathers, and after Emancipation we were cast out into the world with no guarantees other than the automatic marking of "former slave".  We were easily marked due to the dehumanization of dark-skinned people.  We were animals, compared to monkeys.  Why?  The color of our skin.

Because of this indelible mark, we have systematically been isolated and tracked.  Whether it's due to our success or failures, we are always highlighted.  Not because a particular act has its own merits, but because it was performed by a person who has been marked.  By genius?  By brilliance?  By violence?  By viciousness?  No.  If a Black person has done it, it MUST be sensationalized.  WHY?  We have brains, original thought, and are capable.  Period.  Not capable of so much more, or capable of greater things, we ARE capable, as we stand now.

Who is capable of so much more?  This country, its leadership, and its government, to include the legislators and the executors (no pun intended) of the law, the media, and its citizens.  All of us are capable of not judging on appearance, of having an open ear and heart, and having the guts to make a difference.  All of the stuff we don't like?  We can change.  Everyone who is not in the fray, are unaware of the deep injustice that people who are not as fortunate, must suffer through everyday.  You are not in it, you do not understand, so therefore, do not even attempt to try to have an opinion.  Unless you have lived in the shoes of those who are suffering, you should keep your mouth shut.  If you do choose to say something, it should be in support of helping those who are suffering, because you are a human being, and we all must share this Earth, and we all must be stewards of it.

It is particularly insulting, because the presence if African-Americans are and always have been intrinsic to the success of this country.  Instead of being celebrated, we are vilified.  The whole movement of #IfTheyGunnedMeDown illustrates this.  Why must we compartmentalize our right to express ourselves, in ANY WAY we see fit, in order to be considered legitimate members of society?

What folks don't realize is that we are proud of ALL OF IT.  Our grit, our determination, and our sense of community and connection.  One of the things that I love about being Black, is greeting my fellow brothers and sisters on the street, even if we don't know each other from Adam.  But the thing is, we do know, and by acknowledging each other, we acknowledge the struggle of racism, and we give each other a little lift, just by acknowledging each other.  It has always been an integral part of our means of survival in a country who we are a part of, but that doesn't want us.  We let each other know:  "I see you, I know your struggles, I am you, even if no one else understands."  My God, there is no greater honor.

You know what?  I'm proud of all of it.  The ugliness emphasizes the great divide.  Does it make you uncomfortable?  GOOD!  Do something about it, because you can't get rid of us.  By doing something about it, I mean HELP!  The good parts?  DUH!  Celebrate them because they came from an AMERICAN!  

As a mother of a son whose brown skin will automatically mark him as Public Enemy #1, I am terrified and saddened.  As I kiss his sweet, fat cheeks and receive his drool-y kisses, all I can do is pray, and pray HARD that the world will have changed enough to at least offer a modicum of acknowledgement, that he too belongs here, that he is of no threat, that he is of value, that he is a citizen of this country, who is protected by and given the same inalienable rights that his forefathers were not given, but gave their sweat and blood in hopes that the day that he will just be seen as one thing:  a man.

Pre-gaming

We had Mother's Day breakfast for dinner this evening, since we are spending the actual holiday with our moms tomorrow.  We are moving soon, and I REALLY should have done some organizing/purging, but I was at home with my little boy and chose to snuggle and just breathe him in.  When his big sister came home, we just hung out on the couch.  At one point I had #1 on my left and #2 on my right.  I was in a little people sandwich, and it was DELICIOUS!  

We took baths early, and I put down Baby D early.  He wasn't happy about it, but WHO CARES!  Kidding, but ain't nobody got time for a cranky, sleepy baby.  TO BED YOU GO!  I watched that dang Pioneer Woman on Food Network and made some completely ridiculous cheesy bread to go with our breakfast.  As I write this, I am drinking some vino, watching reality TV and just lazing about.  I really need to be in bed because we are getting up at o'dark thirty tomorrow to go to church with MIL.  

I'm ready to move and get it over with, but I'm not really looking forward to the moving process.  It is ALWAYS overwhelming.  I just want everything to go smoothly.  I want to move in with less, and start off more organized.  Easier said than done.  But I'm ready... I'm ready for the change.  I'm choosing not to approach this change with apprehension, but with expectations of joy and success.  I gotta change my mindset if good things are going to happen.  This house is gorgeous, and I'm glad that this is a house my children may remember.  Plus, there's a pool in the community!  :-)

I just can't wait to own forever home.  I know it's coming.  Probably sooner than we think. We are just on the horizon.  Can't wait for a new day.  But for right now, we prepare, we plan, and we set expectations, and enjoy life in the meanwhile.  Every step will be in preparation for our future.  Pre-gaming...

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Hey... I meant to call... but...

So!  Time has passed, I am older, and I have another child.  Life is interesting.  I am 37 (whaaa?), I have an almost kindergartener, and a 6 month old, and I'm married to my BEST friend.  We are poor, but we are happy.  These little people sustain us, and put smiles on our faces every day.

I never thought I would be this person.  I thought I would be big and grand, for I was ME!  HA!  Life has been rough but fair in relieving me of that delusion.  I sometimes welcome life's wallops, for it provides me with clarity and levity.

I don't know what this is to be, but I know that I need someplace to write.  Even if it's just me reading it, I know that it's public and someone can read it if they have a slow night.  All I know is that I want to write, and that I want to share myself on a public platform.  If I have 4 readers, well then I will consider it a ROUSING success!  But plain and simple?  I need to write.  I need to vent, I need to share, and I hope to build a community, so that I know that I'm not completely batsh*t crazy.  My in-person experiences have led me to believe that I currently don't need to be committed, but that I do need to stop giving so much power to those who I don't know, but deem them worthy by appearance.  Quick!  Someone send me an e-mail from an African prince so I can send him $1K to free up our $5M!

I have for too long cared what other people think.  I know that I'm a good person, that I have worth, and my ideas are worthy of consideration.  The people who love me agree, and let me tell you, those are good people, so... that must mean that I am only selling myself short. (whew!  trying not to drop the laptop like it's on fire...)

I plan to try to come here regularly.  I plan to be humble, and I plan to document my successes and failures here.  I plan to learn.  Because I only have this one life, and I'm tired of wasting it being scared.  Soon to follow?  Some straight up BS... but it will be MINE!  HUZZAH!

So.

Here. it. goes.

progress

You know how you're 8 and 16 seems like a glamorous age, and then you turn 16 and 21 seems like that's where the action is?  Then you realize Icehouse is the most disgusting beer ever and you determine that you actually have standards?  So... IMAGINE how you feel at 35!  I drink mostly pinot grigio and I look at how cute my kid looks when she sleeps...  WILD!  

In any case, the Guy and I have been through a lot.  We've argued and questioned our standing, but now standing here?  I'm so proud of the progress we've made.  We've stepped back and looked out our situation and realized that it is less than ideal.  We've decided that family life is what we choose, and that that little girl should dictate how we live.  We've decided that sacrifice isn't really that, but it is a joy we choose to inherit for the future.

Progress is a continually evolving thing, by its very virtue.  But hot damn, it's sexy right?  Working hard to wear a 2-piece, waking up early to organize, planning time for making dinner, the park, a bike ride...  Planning time period, and planning time for the future is a luxury I think.  When I think of all of the suffering in world, and I worry about the expediency of how our grill will be delivered, and how long can I tolerate a card table in the kitchen, I think about how blessed I am.  

In so many other countries, me being a woman would automatically negate me providing for my family... But here?  No question...  I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my mouth,and a man who is my partner.  There are so many women on this planet who are not as lucky and it makes me incredibly sad.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to help, but I'm going to be dedicated to figure it out.

I plan to do all of these things: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/progress

Progress.  Yes.

moving on

we are moving to the suburbs and i cannot wait.  a deck, room for little feet to roam, a kitchen to make meals in, to mingle in, rooms full of light, and a prominent place for the christmas tree.  life is already good, but it's about to be all that i really want it to be.  a house full of love, me and my little family.  the world is wide open to us, and for once in my life, i'm excited.  excited about living, excited about opportunities, growth, moving forward, the future.  i used to be so scared, and honestly sometimes still am, and it was overwhelming.  i felt like i could not go on, that everything was going to go wrong, and that i didn't deserve happiness, and i was never going to have it.  it was so dark, my friends, so dark.  but i have this little light that calls me "mommy" and she is the reason i live.  along with with my husband and my family, i really have it made.  i got the best people in my life and i'm so grateful to them.  realizing that i only get to do this once, and i get to live and love these special people who have truly blessed my life.  wow.  it is such an honor and i feel so privileged, and if you knew these folks, you'd understand.  they never let me fall and kept me afloat when i couldn't tread any longer.  especially my husband.  he kept me here too.  i've never met anyone who believes in me so much and who is so selfless.  he wants and loves ME, my true authentic self.  i don't know what i would do without him.  he is my rock.  i'm so grateful he is mine.

i'm not sure when the light came back, but it did, and god, it feels good.  i don't  have to run away from my past, it happened, it's there, it's not going anywhere.  i did things i'm not proud of, but, i learned.  it hurt like hell (and still hurts), but i learned.  i know i'm a good person, and i don't have to be defined by my past.  i need to shed my shame, and stop letting it run my life.  everyone tells me a good person, but for the longest time i didn't believe them, and i really don't know why....but i'm choosing to believe them now.  i'm choosing to believe in myself.  it is scary, but i'm gonna keep going.  i'm choosing to get involved in life, and start living and stop letting things happen to me.  i'm going to dream and plan for the future, that i KNOW will come and it will be wonderful, because i worked hard for it.

it's a good feeling, this hope.  and i choose to embrace it, along with faith, and i'm moving on...

mortal enemies...

So... you know how it is. You drink some coffee in the morning, have that full belly before lunch, and want to "clear the decks" if you will, before you sink your teeth into your "sandwich bread" (Arnold's Sandwich-Thins). IF! you're lucky, you may get to hit that biggest stall at the end, before you blow the whistle for the day... literally and figuratively speaking.

But, we all know what happens. Whether it be at 8:30 am, 11:00 am, 2:00 pm, 2:07 pm, 2:08 pm, 3:13 pm, 3:17 pm, 4:03 pm, etc. That b*tch is always there. Who's that b*tch? The same evil person who props the door open as you're wiping... Yes! That's right! THE CLEANING LADY!!! I like to think they synchronize their watches with Satan. Because who would be so mean to allow the WHOLE WORLD hear what you pee-stream sounds like and how long it takes you to get your, at sometimes literally, your sh*t together?!

I know it's your job lady. But seriously? We are about to fight! I try to be consistent, and adjust to your schedule, but you are either getting slower or moving faster. Either way: No BUENO!

So, in closing: *BBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT* Sorry. Knock First.

Why must Monday be so MEAN?

So... I walked into my bathroom this afternoon and found a GIANT cicada killer wasp flying in my bathroom. No lie, it was 2 in. long and sounded like a little mini-helicopter, hovering menacingly in my bathroom. So, I did what any rational person would do: I stood there with my mouth agape for a few seconds, trying decide if this was really happening, decided that it was INDEED happening, swiftly closed the door, sat on the couch and FREAKED OUT! I was mentally preparing myself to give up my bathroom forever, because you know what cicada killer? YOU WIN! The bathroom is yours to reign! FOREVER! OR AT LEAST UNTIL YOU DIE! I mean, a GIANT WASP was in my bathroom, where frequently, all of my tender bits are exposed! What if I had gotten in the shower without realizing it was in there?! I can't. even. think. about it. The HOOOORROOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!! Plus, I make interesting sounds when I'm frightened. Just ask my sister or husband about that day I found a GIANT spider cricket in our sink, after we thought it had long left the premises. It was, um, yeah. It wasn't pretty.

So thankfully, my husband is a brave person and can be a little more rational than I am sometimes. SOMETIMES! In any case, he came home, WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM (OMG, he's a CRAZY PERSON!), opened the window, and that behemoth of a wasp, hovered up out of the tub, and flew peacefully out of the window. Thankfully no battle ensued, because my husband is as fond of stinging insects, as I am fond of heights, which is to say, not very. In any case, WE WERE SAVED! The heavy burden of knowing that I had lost my bathroom forever, was lifted, and I rejoiced! For the bathroom was mine again, tender bits and all.

The End.

P.S. Thank you husband!

terror

so, i woke up pretty early this morning, which is never fun. i did have the perk of wishing my mom and my aunt safe travels before they departed for florida this morning. i'm not typically a morning person, so i was really dragging. i couldn't decide what to wear, or whether i wanted to wear contact lenses or glasses, etc. i just was indecisive and slow, which is deadly when trying to get to work early.

i own a large amount of black, stretchy pants, and these have become particularly popular in my wardrobe, as i am currently 22 weeks pregnant. i have different types for each mood or type of ensemble. i have slacks with wide legs, regular legs, with pinstripes, and my "skinny" pants. this morning, i was feeling my skinny pants and pulled them out for a quick runover with my iron.

i noticed how small they looked, and thought, "hey! maybe my ass isn't as big as i thought! i should stop being so hard on myself!" i ironed over the crease and thought, "that went smoothly! they were so jacked up last time from being folded, i thought this would be difficult!" i noticed how straight the creases were and thought, "dag, maybe i didn't mess these up as bad as i thought i did last time." when i finished ironing them last time i had double creases (one was going diagonally up my pant leg!), due to my mastery of the time-honored skill of being impatient, and trying to hurry up.

i shook the pants out and admired my ironing prowess and went back to the bedroom to finish dressing my top half. i came out to put on my perfectly ironed pants and started with my first leg. i noticed that it was a little snug. no matter! i was wearing tights (because it was COLD this morning) and figured, "they're just adding friction...", and that this issue would resolve itself once i got the pants up. i put the other leg and noticed the same resistance, but continued to think nothing of it. once i pulled the pants up to my thighs, i noticed the resistance had gone from slight to "slow your muthafuckin' roll". but i thought, "these pants have stretch, it should be okay! proceed as originally planned!" so i continued to pull the pants up and could not get them past mid-hip....

i was horrified as i looked in the full-length mirror and noticed a web of fabric stretched bizarrely across my legs from the knee up. this was the crotch of the pants, splayed across the lower half of my body in an obscene, unnatural, manner. it looked as if i was some sort of botched experiment from the tv show "fringe". this was enhanced by the fact that i had double (and pregnant belly) muffin top from both my tights and the too-small pants, my hair wasn't done and frizzed all about my head, and i'm sure i was grunting and squealing. the metamorphasis was almost complete!

what immediately played back in my brain was all the bacon cheeseburgers and ice cream i've consumed over this pregnancy. all of the pancakes with tons of butter and syrup, all of the french fries and potatoes in various crispy forms. all of the steaks and cookies, and CANDY! i was immediately remorseful and cursed my lack of discipline. I JUST WORE THESE PANTS LAST WEEK! HOW COULD MY ASS HAVE GROWN THAT MUCH THAT I COULDN'T GET THEM UP JUST A WEEK LATER???? i grew paranoid and thought, "is this how the rest of the pregnancy going to be? i'm going to have to walk around naked then, because I'LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO BUY BIGGER CLOTHES! I JUST FUCKING BOUGHT THESE!" i had visions of having to be lifted out of bed by a mechanical device and having the walls cut down in the apartment to get out when i went into labor because i was going to be SO FUCKING BIG!

there were almost tears... then i thought, "fuck that! i'm not going down without a fight!" and went back to my dresser and pulled out my still wearable spanx-type undergarment. i put it on, and went back out to do battle and get those DAMN PANTS ON! i was prepared to win at all costs, including my fingernails, which i could imagine snapping off from strain of trying to pull these pants over my gargantuan ass. i ran out of the bedroom back to the ironing board breathless with anticipation, picked up the pants, and thought again, "damn! these look small!" i looked at them, looked them all over, and thought, "let's take a little looksie at the label." upon inspecting the label, i discovered why my ample ass could not be folded, forced, greased, or sewn into those pants... they were a size 8.

i blinked slowly a couple times, and my brain continuously ran "DO NOT COMPUTE! DO NOT COMPUTE! DO NOT COMPUTE!" like CNN newsfeed. i continued to blink and stare with my mouth agape in the early morning light. how in the BLUE FUCK did i get a pair of size 8 pants in this house? why were they here? MATERNITY PANTS to boot! someone had some explaining to do and fast.

i looked over to the couch where a black ball of clothing lay in a heap. hmmm, what was THAT? i should note that my incredibly kind co-worker gifted me with some of her gently used maternity gear, for which i was very grateful. i could wear the tops, but seeing that she is a smaller person than me, the bottoms were problematic. these bottoms had been in a bag, which was resting under the ironing board. in my early morning haze, i had picked up that skinny bitch's (she's a very nice lady, really) size 8 maternity pants and ironed those instead of my XL "skinny" pants, which were waiting for their time to shine, balled up in a wrinkled lump on the couch.

i am an idiot.

the size 8 pants' reign of terror came to a hurried end, as i ironed the CORRECT SIZE pants, and easily slipped them over my pregnant expanse. but for a moment this morning, i was in a state of sheer PANIC! let this be a lesson to you all... turn on the fucking lights when you iron in the morning. TURN THEM LIGHTS ALL THE WAY ON!! also, i ironed and changed my shirt 3 times while getting ready... i am a wonder to behold in the morning.

so-so

that's how i've been feeling as of late, just so-so. i'm waiting for the awesome to come on, and although i'm very thankful for many things in my life, i'm just waiting for more. i just don't know how to activate the "awesome" and it's frustrating. i'm just sitting here, day after day, living, and well, it isn't terribly exciting.

i come to work everyday to a workplace that seems rather ambivalent about my presence. i could be here one day and not the next, and i doubt anyone would really notice. i feel like my boss doesn't really like me, and not that we have to be BEST FRIENDS, but it would be nice if he didn't seem so annoyed by my presence, my every word. i don't know what i have done to offend him so, but it just seems like every time i ask him something, i'm getting on his nerves. even though i shouldn't care, it kind of hurts and, well it sucks. it makes the working relationship very tedious, and i'd just rather not talk to him at all. one day he's in a great mood, and friendly, and the next, he's just annoyed. it just gets old, and since he sits DIRECTLY across from me, it's hard not to let it affect my day.

i try to be friendly to people at all times, and sometimes i even go too far, that's just me. but, i don't understand how people can be so disconnected to the people around them to the point that they just drown them out and ignore them. they can quickly cover their rudeness by saying they're busy or they were deeply involved in something so they didn't hear, but i know that they heard me, and i know they just ignored me. how can you say good morning to me one second and in the next breath when i crack a joke, you completely don't respond. it's just plain rude.

i don't know really how to address this situation, because it's my boss. he can just be straight up rude, and how do i even say anything without coming off crazy or emotional. it makes me feel stupid when this is done, and it affects MY work. every time i've addressed it in the past, he becomes MAJOR ALPHA MALE and i can't get a word in edgewise and all that matters to him is that he's right. i don't even think that he would really care if i said anything to him, and i don't think he would care that i'm upset.

i think he thinks i'm lazy, but really i'm just stuck. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, and what i should do. if i think i've thought of something, it gets struck down, and when i know i'm right, i'm talked over and i'm ignored. i don't know how to combat this without becoming equally combative and, welp, that's not going to go down well. i'm just tired of feeling like i'm of no real use here. i don't think he values me as an employee or as a person. i feel like i'm just here to fill a slot. my feelings are very conflicted about this matter. i need my job, because a little one is on the way, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm wasting my life a way, at a mediocre job, where i'm probably not going to move anywhere, except for up one slot, and where everyone is go-go-GO all the time. i want to feel motivated, i want to WANT to be here. i used to feel that way, but now, i just feel like a poser. i know if i had a new chance, a new opportunity, with different people, i might want to stay in the same area of work, but i just feel like i'm at a dead end right now, and it sucks. he always wants me to "figure it out", but i want to scream "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FIGURING OUT???? YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ANYTHING TO FIGURE!!!!!"

he's young and he's my age, and i think that might be part of the issue. if i don't do it his way, then it's wrong, and if i don't interpret something the way he would, it's wrong. how did he get to be so fucking cocky? it infuriates me. i need some guidance, and i'm not getting any. i want to be an upstart, but i have nothing to propel me. i want to reach out, but the corporate culture that exists in my company would make EVERYTHING a big deal, and they would give me run-of-the-mill, uninspired suggestions. i just feel trapped. this is great company to work for, but my experience has left me feeling dumb, inexperienced, and weak. it's not a good feeling. i know i'm smart, i know i'm intelligent, but i don't feel like it here. i just want to fade into the shadows here, and for those of you who know me, well, that should say a lot.

i'm just venting, i'm frustrated. hopefully i'll figure out something soon, before i go crazy.

To my beloved (sweetcakes)

Thank you so much for everything. It has been hard this year, but WE MADE IT! We've fought a lot and gone through some very dark times, and I've done things that I am not very proud of. For that I am so very sorry, but only with you, would I want to be better about it. I know that I can be self-absorbed, selfish, and bratty, but you take in all in stride, kiss me on my forehead, and keep it moving. You know that I'll work it out in time, and when I can't, you get in my a** as required. I never like it, but I know if you're doing it, it's necessary. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, and just yuck, because I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT AND YOU KNOW IT! Ahem.

You have had to go through some things yourself this year, that I know weren't easy, and were scary. I'm proud of you for making it through, and though your smile was diminished, you didn't let it completely vanish. I'm proud of you, for not letting it beat you, and I love you for doing it for yourself, and even doing a little of it for me. Thank you. I don't know why you had to go through all that you did, and it made me angry, and I was scared, and felt alone. I was angry that all this was happening to you, because you've already suffered so much hurt, and it just wasn't fair. I didn't know why this was happening to you.... What were we supposed to be learning from this? I guess what I got, is that even though I'm angry at the situation, I can't take it out on you, and that you need me, just as much I as I need you. I guess that didn't really become so crystal clear until this year. I hope I got it in time so that you were at least comforted a little bit by my presence. I know it wasn't all rainbows, hearts, and kittens, and for that I'm sorry. I should have been better and thank you for forgiving me.

I thank you for being there for me during my moments of crisis, and soothing me, which is a near-impossible task. I get so worked up, that I can't see anything except doom and destruction, and there's no way that I will escape it. I was in tears and so unhappy for the first part of this year, and inconsolable, except for by you. Thank you for being my rock, my superhero, my everything. Thank you for holding me, for telling me it was going to be okay, thank you for holding my hand, letting the light in, and showing me that the world isn't such a horrible, awful, scary place. Thanks for helping me grow up (kind of), and showing me how to be a big girl. I still need work, but I am much less fearful, thanks to you.

But the end of this year, has brought the most shocking and overwhelming and AWE-SOME surprise. I guess I talked it up!! I was in shock, and still am, but more and more, I AM SO EXCITED by the fact that I am carrying OUR CHILD!!! WTF???? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I mean, I know HOW, but I mean what in the WORLD????? There is a little bit of me and a little bit of you, growing in my belly and, well, I'm starting to warm up to the idea! I'm also about to become a wife, which is weird. I've been with you so long, that well, I don't know. I've always thought of you as my s.o., my life partner, but husband? It's just going to put things in a different light, and I'm excited. To be a wife and a mother... WHAT? THE? F*CK??? IT IS SO BIZARRE!!! But exciting... Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm happy, just overwhelmed by all the changes coming my way, coming our way. We'll be okay right? I know we will... But you know me, I ALWAYS NEED REASSURING! I look forward to getting to know you better, to building a deeper, more connected, and understanding relationship. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you without all the haze of all the junk. I’m excited, because I feel like this is more for real, without a buffer (or excuses). It's been a rocky start, but since we talked, I think it will only get better.

I guess that's it. I love you baby, even though I don't act like it at times, and I know you maybe wondered, but know that I always do, and that I'm always EXTREMELY grateful. Thank you for being patient, kind, and just overall, a better person than me. I aspire to be like you one day when I grow up. ;-) I may get frustrated, I may get angry, but I can't imagine my world without you. I'd be so lost. Thank you, for choosing me, thank you for staying with me and all my CRAZY, and thank you for this baby. Thank you, and I love you, there aren't words really to express how much, but just imagine me standing there with my arms stretched WIIIIIIIIIDE OPEN, saying "THIS! MUCH!" I LUB YOU! That is all.

so much more lamer

i haven't written anything in 50 trillion years. i've been busy and stuff. right now i am currently and sick and gosh darnit, 3 readers, i'm going to say it out loud, pregnant. jeesh, i feel so much better already. i really wish i could take drugs, but alas, i want my baby to be fully formed and stop drooling after a certain age on it its own. knock on wood.

in any case, sweetcakes is working again, and we both get paid tomorrow. can i get an AMEN???!!! whew! it has been painful these past months, but now that he's working again, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is GLORIOUS my friends, glorious! my most pressing plans with my money? buying replacement filters for the humidifiers because, DAMN! it is dry as a MOFO in our apartment and my sinuses have decided to punish me, harshly. i don't even want to talk about what i've hawked up after clearing my sinuses.... lets just say that it had more texture than i would have liked, then ANYONE would have liked... it was damn near solid. TMI? my bad... i also read that this is normal during pregnancy, for you to feel like you have silly putty in all of your nasal cavities. so, greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

also, hormones are on high. i cry at commercials, i cried when reading christmas cards, i cry because my clothes are on the floor and i'm too lazy to pick them up. i just cry VERY EASILY and it is annoying as hell. i was already emotional to begin with, but this? this is just stupid. that is all i have to say about that.

also on the pregnancy front, i find that i am perpetually, constantly HUNGRY and hungry for JUNK FOOD! I WANT RIBS! HAMBURGERS! PIZZA! and every once in awhile, a salad. i had some orange juice and an apple today, so that's good right? i had mcdonald's for lunch yesterday, which kind of makes me ill to think about it, since i had CHICKEN MCNUGGETS the night before! and guess what i want for lunch today? MORE MEAT! it is sad... and disgusting. i need some more vegetables in my life. but they just aren't as delicious as juicy, savory, filling, meat. do you see? do you see what this alien has done to my brain? that could have been porno talk if you just read that out of context, but no, i'm talking about getting a gyro or something.... meaty. i'll feel better once i go grocery shopping and get some more healthy crap, but right now, i'm living it up, because i'm poor and i can only afford junk food. it's a damn shame. maybe i'll compromise and get subway....

in any case my beloved 3 readers, i'm alive and well, and been wanting to write, and finally said fuck it, i'm writing on my blog at work. THERE I SAID IT AND DID IT! SO.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

i know, i'm so lame...... baby steps (heh) people, baby steps.

question for you all 3 readers (leetle one, you are excluded, because i've asked you before and you are LAME!): how does one tell there strict, old-fashioned father (who you love to death), that you're pregnant (and unmarried, but ENGAGED)? please help. i gotta do it soon....

i can't stop....

EATING!

seriously, it's like the "full" sensor is broken, and i cannot stop. luckily i can still fit in my clothes, on the small end, and i still have no idea how... it is a small (LARGE) miracle...

i ate SO much this weekend... chipotle on friday, carrabba's on saturday and PAPA JOHN'S on sunday... seriously, i feel sick just thinking about it. then when i try to eat something healthy my vomit sensors kick in. i was just telling my sister that last when i ate some vegetable crudites my gag reflex was starting to kick in... it was ROUGH! i'm not even being funny... i think i overdid it a couple of weeks ago, and now, the thought of salads and carrot sticks make me want to call earl.... so, now i am apparently making up for all the "healthy" before... please help me.

then tonight, pooks cooked some DELICIOUS pasta, which i had seconds of, and then i had about 10-15 spoonfuls of haagen dazs... i have GOT to start walking.... or else i am going to be the size of a whale soon.... but i did eat some yogurt and a pear today, so that's good right?

in other news, i um, use baby powder as a part of my daily regimen... so, why did i apparently put SO MUCH on, that when pooks saw something on the back of my pants, he batted my behind, which promptly produced a small CLOUD of baby powder. ummmm, yeah, i had a case of the mondays... so i obviously changed. i was half asleep this morning b/c i could NOT go to sleep last night, because i COULD NOT get comfortable...it was miserable. then to add insult to injury.... i ate two servings of ice cream yesterday... and i would like to note that i am lactose-intolerant, so it was fun for EVERYBODY last night. especially pooks! heh.

lastly, i would like each and everyone of you (all 3 of you) to call your siblings (if you have them) and tell them you love them. one of my best friends lost her brother this morning... he didn't tell anyone how sick he was, so no one was prepared... meeehhhhhhhh. so sad.

so leetle one, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU! SO! VERY! MUCH!

i apologize for the rambling, disjointed post... it will get better. just breaking this thing back in... :-)

i'm so lame

i haven't written in ages...

it's been crazy. i'll try to write more regularly. i PROMISE! but right now, i have a date with some brownies and a glass of milk. i told you it's been WILD over here!

i lub you 3 readers... a whole bunch!

Addendum: definition of love

quoted from Paradise, by Toni Morrison:

"The cross he held was abstract; the absent body was real, but both combined to pull humans from backstage to the spotlight, from muttering in the wings to the principal role in the story of their lives. This execution made it possible to respect - freely, not in fear - one's self and one another. Which was what love was: unmotivated respect."

unmotivated respect....wow.

whaddup?

i know i haven't been around for AWHILE. shame on me... i apologize to all 3 of my "regular" readers...

things that have been going on with me:

• dealing with the health issues of my sweetcakes.
• after dealing with health issues of my sweetcakes, chillin' the FUCK out.
• still chillin'.
• doing a lot of cooking... good stuff. my 3 readers can attest to that.
• improving my sh*t at work, getting on everyone's good side... just cuz. it's better that way.
• drinking shitloads of and becoming addicted to (again) coffee. starbucks french roast to be exact.... it's "extra bold", like me!
• not exercising.
• hanging out with my sister and her (our) crazy-ass friends. and laughing a lot. and ice-luge-ing...which is in a word, AWESOME!
• and constipation. despite eating double fiber bread, fiber one bars, and as of late, eating more vegetables.

in regards to the last issue, methinks that the handfuls of chocolate m&m's i shove into my mouth by the fistful after eating a healthy dinner, aren't helping. but they're SO good! they do their job and melt in my mouth! don't be nasty.... but it's SO good!

anyhoodle... today was a blah day. it was slow at work, due to 9/11. the day still messes with me. i try not to let it overwhelm me, but i know the tears are coming. i was so ANGRY that day. when i rode past the pentagon and saw it smoldering, i was angry. "how dare they?! in my country?! in my backyard?!" my dad used to work there, my dad at that time, still walked its halls occasionally. it was too close.

and while i was angry, i felt protective of every person of middle eastern descent. i wanted to wrap my arms around them, and tell them, "i'm so sorry, i know this isn't you." they have been some of the most kind, warm, and HONEST people i have ever had the fortune to know. and the fact that i had that warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart, despite the transgressions of their distant countrymen, let me know that we can move on, and build together. we do not have to cleave to the misgivings of our forefathers, of our fathers.

let's move on folks, let's move on. i'm tired of the same shit, and i'm concerned about the fate of this country if we don't move on from what we know, to what we should be doing. if we don't, this country will be shot to shit. let's respect the foundation our forefathers, and fathers built and use it as a platform to shift the paradigm that we depend upon for our bearings. our collective idea of this country, whether you want to admit it or not, is huge part of who we are, individually. we are americans, again, whether we like it or not, and our stance in the world affects our daily steps. quite frankly, our pride. don't get it twisted, i'm really, fucking, PROUD to be an american. that being said, i really care about the state of her, america, and i see right now that she's really sick. she needs our help, our care, our attention, our DEDICATION!

let's stick with what we know works and move towards solutions for the things that are broken. let's stop being stubborn and holding onto the whole "us vs. them" mentality. in the words of the poetic and hopefully prophetic rodney king, "can't we all just get along?" can't people allow their minds to move past stereotypes and to seek fellowship amongst each other? can't we soothe, hush, and embrace and let each other know it's going to be okay?

i'm tired. you know, you can put lipstick on a pig, and it will look prettier. particularly if it has full lips.

lub y'all.

nostalgia

i long for cursive-script, swirly, sunday mornings... where the sun shines on the dust that floats through the stillness...

you inhale and exhale and watch the swirl pattern of the air alter and change for your intrusion...into the calm that was your former unconsciousness...

you note the shift, and stir slightly only to dig yourself deeper into the alternative... ignorant bliss. choosing not to be aware or a part of the madness that surely accompanies moving amongst our own kind. tired.

yet you rally and gather your reserves and face the day with memories of how much fun everything else was and is.

then, there is an instinctive pause... something is off...

no one else is bustling about at this hour, and you notice how the air is still. bewildered and bemused, you begin your motions.

swing your feet around,
place them on the floor,
gain your bearings,
rise,
walk...

the possibilities after those universal steps are endless...

you gain your bearings...

the 5-day weather forecast indicates that it is still indeed the weekend.

the edges soften, and the corners of your eyes release. you dig in a little deeper.

ah. ignorant bliss. yet for one more day.

flavor: delicious

sad.

i had planned to write a funny post about poop... and even just typing that makes me feel horrible for starting out that way.

today, one of the people that i actually admire and look up to, just as a person, passed away. tim russert... it hurts worse than i thought it was going to, as i typed that name and as the reality sets in.

i just can't even believe he's gone and feel lost without his presence. he was fair and truthful, and only spoke to the facts. there was no bias and he was equally hard on everyone who tried to stay in the gray, muddied water. he made all those who are responsible for us, be responsible for their words and actions, and answer to their wards. this included everything: poor ideas, unfortunate words, and lies, whether they be outright or by omission. he made everyone accountable. there were no easy passes for anyone who encountered him.

what makes it even harder is KNOWING how hard and how strongly he loved his family. they were his world, and i'm sure he was theirs. he was a man of faith and a man of dedication, passion, and more importantly, i think, a man of compassion. i think his drive, fervor, and outright LOVE for the world of politics was an extension of the love he had for his neighbor, literally and metaphorically.

he cared about us, and he cared about the world we lived in, and made sure that we were aware of what was going on in the world around us, and what our leaders were doing about it. he made us feel that we all counted, and that we deserved the right to know the truth and the real answers. he made us see, at the risk of sounding cheesy/corny, how wonderful this system of checks and balances, accountability, and chosen representatives, in its essence, and true intent, truly is. we are fortunate, despite the many things we are currently experiencing due to people making illogical, desperate, and rashly formed decisions. we at least have the system in place to elect and run a truly representative and capable government. that's what it seems, was tim russert's greatest wish. to share with us, the true, pure, and intended ideals of our country's forefathers. he had the gift of truly imprinting in us, the significance of what those ideals stood for.

as a black woman and citizen of this country, i am truly grateful for the opportunities that my citizenship has afforded me. though we still have a LONG way to go, i can honestly say, that i wouldn't trade being on team 'MERICA for the world. it is truly and honor and a privilege to say, that i'm proud to be an AMERICAN (cue lee greenwood).

thank you tim russert, for your dedication to us. thank you for caring. thank you for making us care. thank you for allowing us the opportunity to experience your exacting insight, relentless determination, astounding brilliance, and most importantly, your genuine and blessedly, transparent integrity. we could see that you were good, earnestly and honestly GOOD, through and through. you were and will remain, one of the shining examples of THE BEST that this country has to offer. God bless you and I hope your Homecoming is as wondrous as your faith and service. i pray that your family will be comforted, somewhat by the fact, that you are in the presence of God. how awesome and well-earned...

hug the ones you love y'all... always remember, it could be worse. regardless of what you believe or don't believe, tomorrow is never promised. i would like to share a bit of advice that i read on a mug, of a departed, dearly loved, widely-respected co-worker and unfortunately, i didn't get to know him that well. but i think the fact that this mug , that he prominently displayed, speaks volumes: "be the person that your dog (or cat) thinks you are." live your life the way you would want to be remembered, and on that note, always remember to wear clean underwear.... ;-)

have a great weekend, and if you still have your dad in your life or if he's still a part of your life.... SMOTHER HIM with praises, love, and hugs and kisses... daddies are awesome... i know my daddy is. :-)

question?

why is it that you always KILL at jeopardy when you're alone? i mean, you are answering at least 90% of the questions correctly, and no one is there to witness the majesty of your intellect! this happened to me tonight, and i even got the FINAL JEOPARDY question right!! and i was all by my lonesome.... wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. boo. oh well, it's the same as always, i'm the only one who knows that i'm brilliant.

so, sweetcakes caught the same virus again, and you know, it was awesome. i got to hear someone hurl every hour or so. unfortunately, it affected me differently then it did last time, and i was very, um, queasy about the whole affair. i think that because it lasted so long last time, i just got used to it, but, this time, i found, i could not eat my doritos while hearing my beloved call earl. and they were the zesty taco/chipotle ranch flavor too! alas, it wasn't meant to be... really no type of food was really meant to be. i guess if sweetcakes was going to suffer, i was too. this was of particular suckage because we had just gone to safeway and purchased some fantastic 1-in thick ribeyes, some fresh (sweet) corn on the cob, and some fabulous baking potatoes. i grilled and baked everything up, and poor sweetcakes tasted none. he made it as far as putting some on the plate, but did not even get to taste it, for the scourge had happened upon him, and i as his nurse, had no solace to offer... other than uttering the most poetic and sage words that one can speak... "it's gonna be okay." i am SO prophetic and brilliant.

so we hung out in the ER last night, and i got to hear some things that really helped put things in perspective. i saw a pregnant lady, with some sort of scare, and she and her family were terrified. they waited for good news, and i waited along with them. i heard a young man, who was in the bed behind sweetcakes (the beds were lined up in the hallway), speak of how he had just gotten off of chemotherapy, after overcoming some type of lymphoma. he was just 22 years old, about to turn 23. i heard a young woman, who previously was stationed behind sweetcakes, state that her birth year was 1972, and she had already suffered a heart attack, and was back in the ER due to some cardiac irregularities/pains. mercy...

the one who stole my heart, was an old woman, who had blocked intestines, and was in GREAT discomfort, but was as sweet as could be. she lavished her affections on the nurses, drank nasty pre-CAT scan fluids with no complaint, and then with great joy and fervor, told the nurse and doctor that she had 3! BOWEL! MOVEMENTS! within the last 15-20 minutes. she even described the consistency, bless her heart. in case you were wondering, and i know you were, 2 were "solid" and the last one "was mostly fluid". she also went on to lament the hour of the day, because it was too late for her to have her martini. in short, she was adorable and i wish i had gotten to know her, because we would have definitely been homegirls. i too, would wail in anguish if i was severely constipated and not able to have my nightly libations.... i would also share with everyone, in detail, the quality of my stools and proclaim loudly that "i suffer from chronic constipation!" it's all about being yourself, you know?

but for serious though, i saw how we all share the frailty that is the human condition. it sucks. i just was sitting there praying that i didn't see anything horrible, as we were parked by the trauma rooms. i definitely did not want to hear the melodramatic, long, unbroken sound of a heart monitor tracking the beat of a heart that was no longer beating. i did see the humanity and kindness of nurses and doctors on an unusually busy day, and i also saw the callow and nonchalant attitudes of young, cocky, ASSHOLES who were just there because they had to be. that's the scary part... you never know which one you're going to get.

i had to beg for a barf bucket for sweetcakes, as he sat there and held his vomit in his mouth, so as to not dirty himself or inconvenience others. the resident i asked, casually strolled from room to room, looking for a bucket/tray/whatever, and i was this close to putting him in the ER, and not as an employee. i then had to search and ask for someone to give sweetcakes a new bucket, so he didn't have to sit there and hold it, and mind his own barf, as there was nowhere to put it, since he was lined up in the HALLWAY! i know you medical professionals are busy, but one question, what if it was you? how would you feel about suffering the same indignity? methinks you would be instantly humbled... so! once sweetcakes was feeling somewhat better, all he had to do was provide some pee and we could go. once he proffered the golden ticket, we were soon on our way.

i learned a couple of things last night. that number one, i HATE seeing sweetcakes in a hospital bed/gown with an iv. it sucks hairy, shitty, goat balls. it is an image that i hope to never see again. number b, oh, i mean 2, i realize how blessed we are, even though sweetcakes was miserable, he was relatively healthy compared to what was going on around us. number 3, augusten burroughs is a funny mofo. magical thinking, is all i'm saying. it's hilarious, and allowed me to keep my sanity, and not focusing and worrying too much about the people around me. not because i'm cold and impersonal, but because of the exact opposite. i felt their pain, and wanted to help and soothe... but i was helpless. just like i was with sweetcakes. it sucks all sorts of hairy, shitty balls...

but sometimes, it's not up to you, it's not in your hands, it's nothing you can control... the question is... how do you handle it?

i'd like to think that i've been handling it well...

the days after

E-mail sent to my sister, who shares my sorrow in regards to office building climate control:

"Subject: WHYYYYYYYY?

MUST IT BE 40 BELOW ZERO IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?????? I have my space heater (on as high as it can go) damn-near shoved up my a**, and I have on sleeves, under a sweater, and I'm about to drape another sweater over that...

Seriously, it does not need to be this cold, for any reason whatsoever... I mean is somebody making ice cream or chocolates around here? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Am I working in the walk-in at some restaurant? Seriously, I don't need to refrigerate sh*t around here...I can leave it on my desk. Actually, it might be warmer on the refrigerator... Something might turn into a block of ice if I leave it out here...."

i said d-d-d-dam-m-m-mi-t-t-t-t (teeth chattering), it’s COOOOOOOLD!

So, the days after the Big Push, ’08 have been quite blah and vanilla. I’ve been eating a high fiber diet, and that has really been the highlight of my days… Wondering how long I can sit at my desk with out spontaneously combusting from the processing of raw vegetables and high fiber bread/snacks. You can hear the creaks and bubbles, and uh… it’s kind of embarrassing… how do you play that off? Do you say, “ooh, excuse me! I have gas!” which makes it seem like you just farted in front of someone, or do you keep it in and make everyone quiet, and everyone who is in a 20-30 foot radius, will think that you have wailing banshees residing in your intestines? oh, such a quandary.... Heh... I just realized that in the first sentence I wrote the "Big Push". I'm not constipated! I just have been going through a lot of shit... or whatever... YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!! assholes...

So I got my tax stimulus check, and yeah, it’s already gone… :-( I’m trying to debate on whether I save some for spending, or put it all towards debt. I think part of it is going to end up going to towards my credit cards…. Then the rest may be spent on a manicure/pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten) and maybe some sort of new gear.

My clothes really suck right now, I actually quite loathe them. They are old, and plain, and now… drumroll please…. TOO FUCKING BIG! Now, I know that I will soon be humbled when I walk into my nearest retail establishment, because during the one time I go shopping, which is like every 5 years or so… (sad, but true), the size numbers have decreased exponentially and what I thought I could wear size-wise, is now has the proper proportions to fit 0-2 year olds… they may as well put that on the label, and quit jerking us around... or i could stop trying to shop in the children's section...

it’s a cruel, cruel thing… but dammit, I’m big boned-ed… it’s already bad enough that I can’t find anything that does nothing but drape and fall and is cut TOO DAMN BIG!! Also adding insult to injury, is that nothing is truly cute, and nothing is on sale. Walking on the back of my pants, not being able to see the shape of my ass through all the fabric puddling at the top of my thighs, and wearing the same damn black cardigan almost EVERY DAY, is really sucking. I stand in the full length mirror like and pretend I have Stacy and Clinton (from “What Not To Wear”) standing behind me, and I grab the extra folds of fabric and say it to myself like they do “LOOK AT YOU!! YOU’RE NOT THAT BIG!!” and then I dream of the money and the lifestyle that must be possible in order to get your shit tailored… cuz mama doesn’t have it right now… mama barely has it to get dry cleaning done…It does nothing for the self esteem… I need some new shit. But now that I think about it, I really should wait until I lose a smidge more… just for shits and giggles... and my sanity... so that I can be CERTAIN that i fit in what used be a size 16, and is now truly cut for a junior's size 0. what size 16 bitches do you know whose total thigh circumference equals 13 mm?? yeah, that's what i thought... moving ON!

I’m sitting here torn right now as to whether I wash my hair and shave my legs OR exercise AND wash my hair AND shave my legs…. This is such an earth-shattering decision because it is THURSDAY people!! GOOD SHIT COMES ON TV!!! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!! LOST!!! I know I have DVR, but it’s no fun watching it after everyone has already had their yuks and gotten their jollies… you snooze, you lose, you know what i'm sayin'? We’ll see, I have to stop at the grocery store too on the way home, so that may steal all my thunder and then we’ll be lucky if I shave my legs… pray for your souls.

I think I shall compromise… I shall wash my hair and shave my legs and do yoga… later in the evening… I don’t think I’m stretched out or limber enough to do cardio without being in serious pain and I want to go out dancing tomorrow night. Even with a 3 OR 573 beers in me, it still counts as cardio when you’re dancing your ass off right?

Yeah…. That’s the ticket! Hee!