nostalgia

i long for cursive-script, swirly, sunday mornings... where the sun shines on the dust that floats through the stillness...

you inhale and exhale and watch the swirl pattern of the air alter and change for your intrusion...into the calm that was your former unconsciousness...

you note the shift, and stir slightly only to dig yourself deeper into the alternative... ignorant bliss. choosing not to be aware or a part of the madness that surely accompanies moving amongst our own kind. tired.

yet you rally and gather your reserves and face the day with memories of how much fun everything else was and is.

then, there is an instinctive pause... something is off...

no one else is bustling about at this hour, and you notice how the air is still. bewildered and bemused, you begin your motions.

swing your feet around,
place them on the floor,
gain your bearings,
rise,
walk...

the possibilities after those universal steps are endless...

you gain your bearings...

the 5-day weather forecast indicates that it is still indeed the weekend.

the edges soften, and the corners of your eyes release. you dig in a little deeper.

ah. ignorant bliss. yet for one more day.

flavor: delicious

sad.

i had planned to write a funny post about poop... and even just typing that makes me feel horrible for starting out that way.

today, one of the people that i actually admire and look up to, just as a person, passed away. tim russert... it hurts worse than i thought it was going to, as i typed that name and as the reality sets in.

i just can't even believe he's gone and feel lost without his presence. he was fair and truthful, and only spoke to the facts. there was no bias and he was equally hard on everyone who tried to stay in the gray, muddied water. he made all those who are responsible for us, be responsible for their words and actions, and answer to their wards. this included everything: poor ideas, unfortunate words, and lies, whether they be outright or by omission. he made everyone accountable. there were no easy passes for anyone who encountered him.

what makes it even harder is KNOWING how hard and how strongly he loved his family. they were his world, and i'm sure he was theirs. he was a man of faith and a man of dedication, passion, and more importantly, i think, a man of compassion. i think his drive, fervor, and outright LOVE for the world of politics was an extension of the love he had for his neighbor, literally and metaphorically.

he cared about us, and he cared about the world we lived in, and made sure that we were aware of what was going on in the world around us, and what our leaders were doing about it. he made us feel that we all counted, and that we deserved the right to know the truth and the real answers. he made us see, at the risk of sounding cheesy/corny, how wonderful this system of checks and balances, accountability, and chosen representatives, in its essence, and true intent, truly is. we are fortunate, despite the many things we are currently experiencing due to people making illogical, desperate, and rashly formed decisions. we at least have the system in place to elect and run a truly representative and capable government. that's what it seems, was tim russert's greatest wish. to share with us, the true, pure, and intended ideals of our country's forefathers. he had the gift of truly imprinting in us, the significance of what those ideals stood for.

as a black woman and citizen of this country, i am truly grateful for the opportunities that my citizenship has afforded me. though we still have a LONG way to go, i can honestly say, that i wouldn't trade being on team 'MERICA for the world. it is truly and honor and a privilege to say, that i'm proud to be an AMERICAN (cue lee greenwood).

thank you tim russert, for your dedication to us. thank you for caring. thank you for making us care. thank you for allowing us the opportunity to experience your exacting insight, relentless determination, astounding brilliance, and most importantly, your genuine and blessedly, transparent integrity. we could see that you were good, earnestly and honestly GOOD, through and through. you were and will remain, one of the shining examples of THE BEST that this country has to offer. God bless you and I hope your Homecoming is as wondrous as your faith and service. i pray that your family will be comforted, somewhat by the fact, that you are in the presence of God. how awesome and well-earned...

hug the ones you love y'all... always remember, it could be worse. regardless of what you believe or don't believe, tomorrow is never promised. i would like to share a bit of advice that i read on a mug, of a departed, dearly loved, widely-respected co-worker and unfortunately, i didn't get to know him that well. but i think the fact that this mug , that he prominently displayed, speaks volumes: "be the person that your dog (or cat) thinks you are." live your life the way you would want to be remembered, and on that note, always remember to wear clean underwear.... ;-)

have a great weekend, and if you still have your dad in your life or if he's still a part of your life.... SMOTHER HIM with praises, love, and hugs and kisses... daddies are awesome... i know my daddy is. :-)

question?

why is it that you always KILL at jeopardy when you're alone? i mean, you are answering at least 90% of the questions correctly, and no one is there to witness the majesty of your intellect! this happened to me tonight, and i even got the FINAL JEOPARDY question right!! and i was all by my lonesome.... wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. boo. oh well, it's the same as always, i'm the only one who knows that i'm brilliant.

so, sweetcakes caught the same virus again, and you know, it was awesome. i got to hear someone hurl every hour or so. unfortunately, it affected me differently then it did last time, and i was very, um, queasy about the whole affair. i think that because it lasted so long last time, i just got used to it, but, this time, i found, i could not eat my doritos while hearing my beloved call earl. and they were the zesty taco/chipotle ranch flavor too! alas, it wasn't meant to be... really no type of food was really meant to be. i guess if sweetcakes was going to suffer, i was too. this was of particular suckage because we had just gone to safeway and purchased some fantastic 1-in thick ribeyes, some fresh (sweet) corn on the cob, and some fabulous baking potatoes. i grilled and baked everything up, and poor sweetcakes tasted none. he made it as far as putting some on the plate, but did not even get to taste it, for the scourge had happened upon him, and i as his nurse, had no solace to offer... other than uttering the most poetic and sage words that one can speak... "it's gonna be okay." i am SO prophetic and brilliant.

so we hung out in the ER last night, and i got to hear some things that really helped put things in perspective. i saw a pregnant lady, with some sort of scare, and she and her family were terrified. they waited for good news, and i waited along with them. i heard a young man, who was in the bed behind sweetcakes (the beds were lined up in the hallway), speak of how he had just gotten off of chemotherapy, after overcoming some type of lymphoma. he was just 22 years old, about to turn 23. i heard a young woman, who previously was stationed behind sweetcakes, state that her birth year was 1972, and she had already suffered a heart attack, and was back in the ER due to some cardiac irregularities/pains. mercy...

the one who stole my heart, was an old woman, who had blocked intestines, and was in GREAT discomfort, but was as sweet as could be. she lavished her affections on the nurses, drank nasty pre-CAT scan fluids with no complaint, and then with great joy and fervor, told the nurse and doctor that she had 3! BOWEL! MOVEMENTS! within the last 15-20 minutes. she even described the consistency, bless her heart. in case you were wondering, and i know you were, 2 were "solid" and the last one "was mostly fluid". she also went on to lament the hour of the day, because it was too late for her to have her martini. in short, she was adorable and i wish i had gotten to know her, because we would have definitely been homegirls. i too, would wail in anguish if i was severely constipated and not able to have my nightly libations.... i would also share with everyone, in detail, the quality of my stools and proclaim loudly that "i suffer from chronic constipation!" it's all about being yourself, you know?

but for serious though, i saw how we all share the frailty that is the human condition. it sucks. i just was sitting there praying that i didn't see anything horrible, as we were parked by the trauma rooms. i definitely did not want to hear the melodramatic, long, unbroken sound of a heart monitor tracking the beat of a heart that was no longer beating. i did see the humanity and kindness of nurses and doctors on an unusually busy day, and i also saw the callow and nonchalant attitudes of young, cocky, ASSHOLES who were just there because they had to be. that's the scary part... you never know which one you're going to get.

i had to beg for a barf bucket for sweetcakes, as he sat there and held his vomit in his mouth, so as to not dirty himself or inconvenience others. the resident i asked, casually strolled from room to room, looking for a bucket/tray/whatever, and i was this close to putting him in the ER, and not as an employee. i then had to search and ask for someone to give sweetcakes a new bucket, so he didn't have to sit there and hold it, and mind his own barf, as there was nowhere to put it, since he was lined up in the HALLWAY! i know you medical professionals are busy, but one question, what if it was you? how would you feel about suffering the same indignity? methinks you would be instantly humbled... so! once sweetcakes was feeling somewhat better, all he had to do was provide some pee and we could go. once he proffered the golden ticket, we were soon on our way.

i learned a couple of things last night. that number one, i HATE seeing sweetcakes in a hospital bed/gown with an iv. it sucks hairy, shitty, goat balls. it is an image that i hope to never see again. number b, oh, i mean 2, i realize how blessed we are, even though sweetcakes was miserable, he was relatively healthy compared to what was going on around us. number 3, augusten burroughs is a funny mofo. magical thinking, is all i'm saying. it's hilarious, and allowed me to keep my sanity, and not focusing and worrying too much about the people around me. not because i'm cold and impersonal, but because of the exact opposite. i felt their pain, and wanted to help and soothe... but i was helpless. just like i was with sweetcakes. it sucks all sorts of hairy, shitty balls...

but sometimes, it's not up to you, it's not in your hands, it's nothing you can control... the question is... how do you handle it?

i'd like to think that i've been handling it well...

the days after

E-mail sent to my sister, who shares my sorrow in regards to office building climate control:

"Subject: WHYYYYYYYY?

MUST IT BE 40 BELOW ZERO IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?????? I have my space heater (on as high as it can go) damn-near shoved up my a**, and I have on sleeves, under a sweater, and I'm about to drape another sweater over that...

Seriously, it does not need to be this cold, for any reason whatsoever... I mean is somebody making ice cream or chocolates around here? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Am I working in the walk-in at some restaurant? Seriously, I don't need to refrigerate sh*t around here...I can leave it on my desk. Actually, it might be warmer on the refrigerator... Something might turn into a block of ice if I leave it out here...."

i said d-d-d-dam-m-m-mi-t-t-t-t (teeth chattering), it’s COOOOOOOLD!

So, the days after the Big Push, ’08 have been quite blah and vanilla. I’ve been eating a high fiber diet, and that has really been the highlight of my days… Wondering how long I can sit at my desk with out spontaneously combusting from the processing of raw vegetables and high fiber bread/snacks. You can hear the creaks and bubbles, and uh… it’s kind of embarrassing… how do you play that off? Do you say, “ooh, excuse me! I have gas!” which makes it seem like you just farted in front of someone, or do you keep it in and make everyone quiet, and everyone who is in a 20-30 foot radius, will think that you have wailing banshees residing in your intestines? oh, such a quandary.... Heh... I just realized that in the first sentence I wrote the "Big Push". I'm not constipated! I just have been going through a lot of shit... or whatever... YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!! assholes...

So I got my tax stimulus check, and yeah, it’s already gone… :-( I’m trying to debate on whether I save some for spending, or put it all towards debt. I think part of it is going to end up going to towards my credit cards…. Then the rest may be spent on a manicure/pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten) and maybe some sort of new gear.

My clothes really suck right now, I actually quite loathe them. They are old, and plain, and now… drumroll please…. TOO FUCKING BIG! Now, I know that I will soon be humbled when I walk into my nearest retail establishment, because during the one time I go shopping, which is like every 5 years or so… (sad, but true), the size numbers have decreased exponentially and what I thought I could wear size-wise, is now has the proper proportions to fit 0-2 year olds… they may as well put that on the label, and quit jerking us around... or i could stop trying to shop in the children's section...

it’s a cruel, cruel thing… but dammit, I’m big boned-ed… it’s already bad enough that I can’t find anything that does nothing but drape and fall and is cut TOO DAMN BIG!! Also adding insult to injury, is that nothing is truly cute, and nothing is on sale. Walking on the back of my pants, not being able to see the shape of my ass through all the fabric puddling at the top of my thighs, and wearing the same damn black cardigan almost EVERY DAY, is really sucking. I stand in the full length mirror like and pretend I have Stacy and Clinton (from “What Not To Wear”) standing behind me, and I grab the extra folds of fabric and say it to myself like they do “LOOK AT YOU!! YOU’RE NOT THAT BIG!!” and then I dream of the money and the lifestyle that must be possible in order to get your shit tailored… cuz mama doesn’t have it right now… mama barely has it to get dry cleaning done…It does nothing for the self esteem… I need some new shit. But now that I think about it, I really should wait until I lose a smidge more… just for shits and giggles... and my sanity... so that I can be CERTAIN that i fit in what used be a size 16, and is now truly cut for a junior's size 0. what size 16 bitches do you know whose total thigh circumference equals 13 mm?? yeah, that's what i thought... moving ON!

I’m sitting here torn right now as to whether I wash my hair and shave my legs OR exercise AND wash my hair AND shave my legs…. This is such an earth-shattering decision because it is THURSDAY people!! GOOD SHIT COMES ON TV!!! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!! LOST!!! I know I have DVR, but it’s no fun watching it after everyone has already had their yuks and gotten their jollies… you snooze, you lose, you know what i'm sayin'? We’ll see, I have to stop at the grocery store too on the way home, so that may steal all my thunder and then we’ll be lucky if I shave my legs… pray for your souls.

I think I shall compromise… I shall wash my hair and shave my legs and do yoga… later in the evening… I don’t think I’m stretched out or limber enough to do cardio without being in serious pain and I want to go out dancing tomorrow night. Even with a 3 OR 573 beers in me, it still counts as cardio when you’re dancing your ass off right?

Yeah…. That’s the ticket! Hee!

clap on!*

So I didn't do the yoga this morning, and that's okay, because I was TY-RED and needed to sleep. I'm still tethered to the computer on stand-by, in case my boss needs me, so yay.

Hate to be redundant, but I really hate anxiety… I cannot see looking at myself in the mirror with gray hairs framing my face, and wrinkles and crevices well established and hopefully well placed on my face, and saying to myself, “God, Michelle! You cannot keep FUCKING UP like this!” I hate worrying about EVERY DECISION I MAKE! I'm slowly learning that some choices are just black and white and not everything is gray. So gray that I need paint swatches to figure out what exactly what kind of gray I'm looking at... and even then, what do I do? I'm learning that I do not have to be neurotic about every, single, little, thing....

The funny thing about growing up is that I know with certainty that there are things that you don’t want to do, like get fired from a job, or drink and drive. Some things I’ve learned from experience and some from watching from afar. But it's the little, nagging things that can blow up into MONUMENTAL! COLOSSAL! CATASTROPHES! I think that is the most important thing that I’ve learned as of late. You can't let the little things go for too long, or else, it WILL come back and bite you in the butt. There are still some nibblers out there, trying to get up there and take a chunk out of my ass (please do by the way, there’s plenty to go ‘round), but I’ve taken care of the major ones. The little scavengers I’ll have to go back and take care of, because that’s all I can do right now, because I unable to kick those little shits to the curb at the moment, and I’m okay with that. That’s the price I have to pay for letting them go too long without taking care of things immediately or when I could have easily. I’m okay with that too… Like the Jay-Z song says, “in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…”

I’m okay with how I’ve lived my life, I think, because otherwise, I would have never gotten to this place of clarity and understanding of what I need to do in order to keep sane and live somewhat happily. Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been baptized by fire, and I’ve been have been burned. It has been so difficult and so dark, but right now, it feels like a switch has been turned on. I’ve seen the light, and I feel so stupid for not seeing the switch the whole damn time. But in my defense, it was dark... and we've all fumbled around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, and thought, "Where is the G.D., muthaf'n, LIGHT SWITCH???!!!" You get all exasperated, and then wander around the room in darkness and go back to where you started, reach out along the wall, and BAM! THERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME! duh.

But hey, at least I found it, so whew! Just wish it hadn't taken me so long, cuz I've got shit TO DO!

Right now I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, and removing the talons and scales from my feet at some point so I can wear my footwear of choice during the weekends, flip flops... Oh how I love thee.... You are the best invention ever, except for when it's raining outside and you get all slick and I end up only walking on half of you because you won't stay under my foot and I end up stepping on a hard, sharp rock... Other than that? You are perfection... I can't wait for us to get aquainted again... You know, that is if the weather around here decides to get itself out of a funk and stop being a stubborn asshole, and act like what it's supposed to... you know SPRING, ALMOST SUMMER! fucker... i stopped shaving my legs last week, because really, what's the point? It's too cold to wear a skirt and my office building engineers think it's appropriate to have the climate control set to ARCTIC GALE FORCE WINDS! So yeah, weather, I need an assist from you.... I'm tired of my fingers being blue....

Well! I'm really excited for my evening to begin... it includes some slightly inebriated rolling around on the floor (yoga), and hanging out in the living room, watching the excitement that is my work e-mail inbox... I KNOW! You are so jealous, right? You totally want my life....

*i totally own a clapper too, because I am a LAZY motherfucker... but we unplugged it, because if you just coughed, all sorts of shit would go on and off... sigh... I still think it's genius though....

y'all....

i just did yoga... at home... on my floor with my new, stinky, yoga mat... it was FUCKIN' AWESOME! i feel so good right now, no shittin'!

yeah, so, i COMPLETELY overreacted and went into hyperdrive, and told myself that my life was coming to an end.... i tend to lean towards being slightly dramatic at times. hey, it runs in the family. i told myself (knew) that it was going to be okay, because i knew that i wouldn't have come this far and worked this hard only to crash and burn. but still, it was scary! and you know, i'm suffering through my monthlies, soooo... things tend to be EXTREMELY exaggerated and i tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive... it sucks.

i apologized to all affected by my madness yesterday, and i made a decision to walk away from it. to walk away from anxiety. i can't do it anymore. i actually felt it affect me physically yesterday, and yo! that shit is NOT COOL! tightness in chest, not cool. dizziness, not cool. racing heartbeat, not cool. i cannot continue to stress like that and stay alive. the two things are not compatible.

so! i grabbed my little one, and headed down to target and used her expertise to help me to select a yoga dvd. cuz i really need some peace, stretchiness, and calm, soothing voices in my life right now. the best part was the end, when you go all gimpy on the floor... just straight immobile. that shit was DOPE! literally and metaphorically... i haven't felt that chill or that peaceful in AGES. my back's all loose and tingly, and all i want to do is fall asleep with a smile on my face, and press play on the AM version in the morning.

y'all...

whatever you're going through right now, just know that you can always be surprised. just when you think the end is nigh, a new beginning pops up out of nowhere. just when you thought that it couldn't get any! worse! it gets all fantastic and shit. even if the source of joy is just laying on the floor, and experiencing a sudden and sharp reminder of where your hamstrings are, the real prize is being able to just breathe in.... and breathe out. over and over again...

TORTURE

is what i'm going through right now. if i'm going to be honest with this blogging thing, i gotta do what i gotta do. i stayed away because shit was still fucked up and i didn't want this to become a doom and gloom, constantly in despair type of thing.... but FUCK! i gotta let some stuff off of my chest.

welp, for starters, i'm in a very precarious place at my job, and well, it just sucks. i just get over and through what i thought was the worst part and now there is a new black cloud in the horizon. and it is a HUGE unknown... best part, we find out the answers first thing tomorrow morning! the anxiety is crippling.

next best part, we are currently writing a proposal that is, you know, basically for our jobs. we are currently the long standing incumbents for a particular client, and our shit went up for rebid. i have worked the last at least 40 overtime hours in the last 6 days, and that includes 2 full days over the weekend. i am STRESSED AS FUCK!!!

then my parents are out of town and my sister and i are responsible for "looking after" the house. that means driving 26 miles one way, or 52 miles round trip, to my parents' house every 3-4 days. i drive a car that requires premium (plus) grade gas.... you do the fucking math.

sweetcakes and i just bickered... my little one is was just fighting on the phone with her S.O., and i'm on my period, with a weird muscle spasm-y thing on my left side, just under my bra on the side of my ribs... am i having a heart attack? i certainly hope the fuck not. but it's just tight and generally annoying... the stress... the stress....... THE MOTHERFUCKING STRESS!!!

i'm keeping it together, but it is SO hard... i want to cry but i can't, i just want to step off the world, but i can't, i want to stay home and have a mental health day, but i can't, i want to win $50B and leave all this bullshit behind, but that is never going to happen... i just want out of this madness right now... not life itself, but my life's current situation. i just want to fast forward to the older, wiser part, and dispense my sage advice to young whippersnappers who are at my age/crisis point right now... letting them know that it will all turn out in the end, just look at me!

lawd have mercy y'all.... for reals. i need it. i want to get to the older, wiser part, and know that i was strong enough to get through this, and that i wasn't that much of a fuck-up at the time, and not have to have a menstrual cycle that causes my hormones and anxiety to jump into severe hyperdrive. i want to be the old lady sipping green tea while wearing my birkenstocks and worn-in gardening jeans, on my back deck/patio, while sweetcakes putters around the yard with the lawnmower... i want to know that i have what it takes... that it will be okay.... and that i made it.