moving on

we are moving to the suburbs and i cannot wait.  a deck, room for little feet to roam, a kitchen to make meals in, to mingle in, rooms full of light, and a prominent place for the christmas tree.  life is already good, but it's about to be all that i really want it to be.  a house full of love, me and my little family.  the world is wide open to us, and for once in my life, i'm excited.  excited about living, excited about opportunities, growth, moving forward, the future.  i used to be so scared, and honestly sometimes still am, and it was overwhelming.  i felt like i could not go on, that everything was going to go wrong, and that i didn't deserve happiness, and i was never going to have it.  it was so dark, my friends, so dark.  but i have this little light that calls me "mommy" and she is the reason i live.  along with with my husband and my family, i really have it made.  i got the best people in my life and i'm so grateful to them.  realizing that i only get to do this once, and i get to live and love these special people who have truly blessed my life.  wow.  it is such an honor and i feel so privileged, and if you knew these folks, you'd understand.  they never let me fall and kept me afloat when i couldn't tread any longer.  especially my husband.  he kept me here too.  i've never met anyone who believes in me so much and who is so selfless.  he wants and loves ME, my true authentic self.  i don't know what i would do without him.  he is my rock.  i'm so grateful he is mine.

i'm not sure when the light came back, but it did, and god, it feels good.  i don't  have to run away from my past, it happened, it's there, it's not going anywhere.  i did things i'm not proud of, but, i learned.  it hurt like hell (and still hurts), but i learned.  i know i'm a good person, and i don't have to be defined by my past.  i need to shed my shame, and stop letting it run my life.  everyone tells me a good person, but for the longest time i didn't believe them, and i really don't know why....but i'm choosing to believe them now.  i'm choosing to believe in myself.  it is scary, but i'm gonna keep going.  i'm choosing to get involved in life, and start living and stop letting things happen to me.  i'm going to dream and plan for the future, that i KNOW will come and it will be wonderful, because i worked hard for it.

it's a good feeling, this hope.  and i choose to embrace it, along with faith, and i'm moving on...

mortal enemies...

So... you know how it is. You drink some coffee in the morning, have that full belly before lunch, and want to "clear the decks" if you will, before you sink your teeth into your "sandwich bread" (Arnold's Sandwich-Thins). IF! you're lucky, you may get to hit that biggest stall at the end, before you blow the whistle for the day... literally and figuratively speaking.

But, we all know what happens. Whether it be at 8:30 am, 11:00 am, 2:00 pm, 2:07 pm, 2:08 pm, 3:13 pm, 3:17 pm, 4:03 pm, etc. That b*tch is always there. Who's that b*tch? The same evil person who props the door open as you're wiping... Yes! That's right! THE CLEANING LADY!!! I like to think they synchronize their watches with Satan. Because who would be so mean to allow the WHOLE WORLD hear what you pee-stream sounds like and how long it takes you to get your, at sometimes literally, your sh*t together?!

I know it's your job lady. But seriously? We are about to fight! I try to be consistent, and adjust to your schedule, but you are either getting slower or moving faster. Either way: No BUENO!

So, in closing: *BBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT* Sorry. Knock First.

Why must Monday be so MEAN?

So... I walked into my bathroom this afternoon and found a GIANT cicada killer wasp flying in my bathroom. No lie, it was 2 in. long and sounded like a little mini-helicopter, hovering menacingly in my bathroom. So, I did what any rational person would do: I stood there with my mouth agape for a few seconds, trying decide if this was really happening, decided that it was INDEED happening, swiftly closed the door, sat on the couch and FREAKED OUT! I was mentally preparing myself to give up my bathroom forever, because you know what cicada killer? YOU WIN! The bathroom is yours to reign! FOREVER! OR AT LEAST UNTIL YOU DIE! I mean, a GIANT WASP was in my bathroom, where frequently, all of my tender bits are exposed! What if I had gotten in the shower without realizing it was in there?! I can't. even. think. about it. The HOOOORROOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!! Plus, I make interesting sounds when I'm frightened. Just ask my sister or husband about that day I found a GIANT spider cricket in our sink, after we thought it had long left the premises. It was, um, yeah. It wasn't pretty.

So thankfully, my husband is a brave person and can be a little more rational than I am sometimes. SOMETIMES! In any case, he came home, WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM (OMG, he's a CRAZY PERSON!), opened the window, and that behemoth of a wasp, hovered up out of the tub, and flew peacefully out of the window. Thankfully no battle ensued, because my husband is as fond of stinging insects, as I am fond of heights, which is to say, not very. In any case, WE WERE SAVED! The heavy burden of knowing that I had lost my bathroom forever, was lifted, and I rejoiced! For the bathroom was mine again, tender bits and all.

The End.

P.S. Thank you husband!

terror

so, i woke up pretty early this morning, which is never fun. i did have the perk of wishing my mom and my aunt safe travels before they departed for florida this morning. i'm not typically a morning person, so i was really dragging. i couldn't decide what to wear, or whether i wanted to wear contact lenses or glasses, etc. i just was indecisive and slow, which is deadly when trying to get to work early.

i own a large amount of black, stretchy pants, and these have become particularly popular in my wardrobe, as i am currently 22 weeks pregnant. i have different types for each mood or type of ensemble. i have slacks with wide legs, regular legs, with pinstripes, and my "skinny" pants. this morning, i was feeling my skinny pants and pulled them out for a quick runover with my iron.

i noticed how small they looked, and thought, "hey! maybe my ass isn't as big as i thought! i should stop being so hard on myself!" i ironed over the crease and thought, "that went smoothly! they were so jacked up last time from being folded, i thought this would be difficult!" i noticed how straight the creases were and thought, "dag, maybe i didn't mess these up as bad as i thought i did last time." when i finished ironing them last time i had double creases (one was going diagonally up my pant leg!), due to my mastery of the time-honored skill of being impatient, and trying to hurry up.

i shook the pants out and admired my ironing prowess and went back to the bedroom to finish dressing my top half. i came out to put on my perfectly ironed pants and started with my first leg. i noticed that it was a little snug. no matter! i was wearing tights (because it was COLD this morning) and figured, "they're just adding friction...", and that this issue would resolve itself once i got the pants up. i put the other leg and noticed the same resistance, but continued to think nothing of it. once i pulled the pants up to my thighs, i noticed the resistance had gone from slight to "slow your muthafuckin' roll". but i thought, "these pants have stretch, it should be okay! proceed as originally planned!" so i continued to pull the pants up and could not get them past mid-hip....

i was horrified as i looked in the full-length mirror and noticed a web of fabric stretched bizarrely across my legs from the knee up. this was the crotch of the pants, splayed across the lower half of my body in an obscene, unnatural, manner. it looked as if i was some sort of botched experiment from the tv show "fringe". this was enhanced by the fact that i had double (and pregnant belly) muffin top from both my tights and the too-small pants, my hair wasn't done and frizzed all about my head, and i'm sure i was grunting and squealing. the metamorphasis was almost complete!

what immediately played back in my brain was all the bacon cheeseburgers and ice cream i've consumed over this pregnancy. all of the pancakes with tons of butter and syrup, all of the french fries and potatoes in various crispy forms. all of the steaks and cookies, and CANDY! i was immediately remorseful and cursed my lack of discipline. I JUST WORE THESE PANTS LAST WEEK! HOW COULD MY ASS HAVE GROWN THAT MUCH THAT I COULDN'T GET THEM UP JUST A WEEK LATER???? i grew paranoid and thought, "is this how the rest of the pregnancy going to be? i'm going to have to walk around naked then, because I'LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO BUY BIGGER CLOTHES! I JUST FUCKING BOUGHT THESE!" i had visions of having to be lifted out of bed by a mechanical device and having the walls cut down in the apartment to get out when i went into labor because i was going to be SO FUCKING BIG!

there were almost tears... then i thought, "fuck that! i'm not going down without a fight!" and went back to my dresser and pulled out my still wearable spanx-type undergarment. i put it on, and went back out to do battle and get those DAMN PANTS ON! i was prepared to win at all costs, including my fingernails, which i could imagine snapping off from strain of trying to pull these pants over my gargantuan ass. i ran out of the bedroom back to the ironing board breathless with anticipation, picked up the pants, and thought again, "damn! these look small!" i looked at them, looked them all over, and thought, "let's take a little looksie at the label." upon inspecting the label, i discovered why my ample ass could not be folded, forced, greased, or sewn into those pants... they were a size 8.

i blinked slowly a couple times, and my brain continuously ran "DO NOT COMPUTE! DO NOT COMPUTE! DO NOT COMPUTE!" like CNN newsfeed. i continued to blink and stare with my mouth agape in the early morning light. how in the BLUE FUCK did i get a pair of size 8 pants in this house? why were they here? MATERNITY PANTS to boot! someone had some explaining to do and fast.

i looked over to the couch where a black ball of clothing lay in a heap. hmmm, what was THAT? i should note that my incredibly kind co-worker gifted me with some of her gently used maternity gear, for which i was very grateful. i could wear the tops, but seeing that she is a smaller person than me, the bottoms were problematic. these bottoms had been in a bag, which was resting under the ironing board. in my early morning haze, i had picked up that skinny bitch's (she's a very nice lady, really) size 8 maternity pants and ironed those instead of my XL "skinny" pants, which were waiting for their time to shine, balled up in a wrinkled lump on the couch.

i am an idiot.

the size 8 pants' reign of terror came to a hurried end, as i ironed the CORRECT SIZE pants, and easily slipped them over my pregnant expanse. but for a moment this morning, i was in a state of sheer PANIC! let this be a lesson to you all... turn on the fucking lights when you iron in the morning. TURN THEM LIGHTS ALL THE WAY ON!! also, i ironed and changed my shirt 3 times while getting ready... i am a wonder to behold in the morning.

so-so

that's how i've been feeling as of late, just so-so. i'm waiting for the awesome to come on, and although i'm very thankful for many things in my life, i'm just waiting for more. i just don't know how to activate the "awesome" and it's frustrating. i'm just sitting here, day after day, living, and well, it isn't terribly exciting.

i come to work everyday to a workplace that seems rather ambivalent about my presence. i could be here one day and not the next, and i doubt anyone would really notice. i feel like my boss doesn't really like me, and not that we have to be BEST FRIENDS, but it would be nice if he didn't seem so annoyed by my presence, my every word. i don't know what i have done to offend him so, but it just seems like every time i ask him something, i'm getting on his nerves. even though i shouldn't care, it kind of hurts and, well it sucks. it makes the working relationship very tedious, and i'd just rather not talk to him at all. one day he's in a great mood, and friendly, and the next, he's just annoyed. it just gets old, and since he sits DIRECTLY across from me, it's hard not to let it affect my day.

i try to be friendly to people at all times, and sometimes i even go too far, that's just me. but, i don't understand how people can be so disconnected to the people around them to the point that they just drown them out and ignore them. they can quickly cover their rudeness by saying they're busy or they were deeply involved in something so they didn't hear, but i know that they heard me, and i know they just ignored me. how can you say good morning to me one second and in the next breath when i crack a joke, you completely don't respond. it's just plain rude.

i don't know really how to address this situation, because it's my boss. he can just be straight up rude, and how do i even say anything without coming off crazy or emotional. it makes me feel stupid when this is done, and it affects MY work. every time i've addressed it in the past, he becomes MAJOR ALPHA MALE and i can't get a word in edgewise and all that matters to him is that he's right. i don't even think that he would really care if i said anything to him, and i don't think he would care that i'm upset.

i think he thinks i'm lazy, but really i'm just stuck. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, and what i should do. if i think i've thought of something, it gets struck down, and when i know i'm right, i'm talked over and i'm ignored. i don't know how to combat this without becoming equally combative and, welp, that's not going to go down well. i'm just tired of feeling like i'm of no real use here. i don't think he values me as an employee or as a person. i feel like i'm just here to fill a slot. my feelings are very conflicted about this matter. i need my job, because a little one is on the way, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm wasting my life a way, at a mediocre job, where i'm probably not going to move anywhere, except for up one slot, and where everyone is go-go-GO all the time. i want to feel motivated, i want to WANT to be here. i used to feel that way, but now, i just feel like a poser. i know if i had a new chance, a new opportunity, with different people, i might want to stay in the same area of work, but i just feel like i'm at a dead end right now, and it sucks. he always wants me to "figure it out", but i want to scream "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FIGURING OUT???? YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ANYTHING TO FIGURE!!!!!"

he's young and he's my age, and i think that might be part of the issue. if i don't do it his way, then it's wrong, and if i don't interpret something the way he would, it's wrong. how did he get to be so fucking cocky? it infuriates me. i need some guidance, and i'm not getting any. i want to be an upstart, but i have nothing to propel me. i want to reach out, but the corporate culture that exists in my company would make EVERYTHING a big deal, and they would give me run-of-the-mill, uninspired suggestions. i just feel trapped. this is great company to work for, but my experience has left me feeling dumb, inexperienced, and weak. it's not a good feeling. i know i'm smart, i know i'm intelligent, but i don't feel like it here. i just want to fade into the shadows here, and for those of you who know me, well, that should say a lot.

i'm just venting, i'm frustrated. hopefully i'll figure out something soon, before i go crazy.

To my beloved (sweetcakes)

Thank you so much for everything. It has been hard this year, but WE MADE IT! We've fought a lot and gone through some very dark times, and I've done things that I am not very proud of. For that I am so very sorry, but only with you, would I want to be better about it. I know that I can be self-absorbed, selfish, and bratty, but you take in all in stride, kiss me on my forehead, and keep it moving. You know that I'll work it out in time, and when I can't, you get in my a** as required. I never like it, but I know if you're doing it, it's necessary. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, and just yuck, because I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT AND YOU KNOW IT! Ahem.

You have had to go through some things yourself this year, that I know weren't easy, and were scary. I'm proud of you for making it through, and though your smile was diminished, you didn't let it completely vanish. I'm proud of you, for not letting it beat you, and I love you for doing it for yourself, and even doing a little of it for me. Thank you. I don't know why you had to go through all that you did, and it made me angry, and I was scared, and felt alone. I was angry that all this was happening to you, because you've already suffered so much hurt, and it just wasn't fair. I didn't know why this was happening to you.... What were we supposed to be learning from this? I guess what I got, is that even though I'm angry at the situation, I can't take it out on you, and that you need me, just as much I as I need you. I guess that didn't really become so crystal clear until this year. I hope I got it in time so that you were at least comforted a little bit by my presence. I know it wasn't all rainbows, hearts, and kittens, and for that I'm sorry. I should have been better and thank you for forgiving me.

I thank you for being there for me during my moments of crisis, and soothing me, which is a near-impossible task. I get so worked up, that I can't see anything except doom and destruction, and there's no way that I will escape it. I was in tears and so unhappy for the first part of this year, and inconsolable, except for by you. Thank you for being my rock, my superhero, my everything. Thank you for holding me, for telling me it was going to be okay, thank you for holding my hand, letting the light in, and showing me that the world isn't such a horrible, awful, scary place. Thanks for helping me grow up (kind of), and showing me how to be a big girl. I still need work, but I am much less fearful, thanks to you.

But the end of this year, has brought the most shocking and overwhelming and AWE-SOME surprise. I guess I talked it up!! I was in shock, and still am, but more and more, I AM SO EXCITED by the fact that I am carrying OUR CHILD!!! WTF???? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I mean, I know HOW, but I mean what in the WORLD????? There is a little bit of me and a little bit of you, growing in my belly and, well, I'm starting to warm up to the idea! I'm also about to become a wife, which is weird. I've been with you so long, that well, I don't know. I've always thought of you as my s.o., my life partner, but husband? It's just going to put things in a different light, and I'm excited. To be a wife and a mother... WHAT? THE? F*CK??? IT IS SO BIZARRE!!! But exciting... Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm happy, just overwhelmed by all the changes coming my way, coming our way. We'll be okay right? I know we will... But you know me, I ALWAYS NEED REASSURING! I look forward to getting to know you better, to building a deeper, more connected, and understanding relationship. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you without all the haze of all the junk. I’m excited, because I feel like this is more for real, without a buffer (or excuses). It's been a rocky start, but since we talked, I think it will only get better.

I guess that's it. I love you baby, even though I don't act like it at times, and I know you maybe wondered, but know that I always do, and that I'm always EXTREMELY grateful. Thank you for being patient, kind, and just overall, a better person than me. I aspire to be like you one day when I grow up. ;-) I may get frustrated, I may get angry, but I can't imagine my world without you. I'd be so lost. Thank you, for choosing me, thank you for staying with me and all my CRAZY, and thank you for this baby. Thank you, and I love you, there aren't words really to express how much, but just imagine me standing there with my arms stretched WIIIIIIIIIDE OPEN, saying "THIS! MUCH!" I LUB YOU! That is all.

so much more lamer

i haven't written anything in 50 trillion years. i've been busy and stuff. right now i am currently and sick and gosh darnit, 3 readers, i'm going to say it out loud, pregnant. jeesh, i feel so much better already. i really wish i could take drugs, but alas, i want my baby to be fully formed and stop drooling after a certain age on it its own. knock on wood.

in any case, sweetcakes is working again, and we both get paid tomorrow. can i get an AMEN???!!! whew! it has been painful these past months, but now that he's working again, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is GLORIOUS my friends, glorious! my most pressing plans with my money? buying replacement filters for the humidifiers because, DAMN! it is dry as a MOFO in our apartment and my sinuses have decided to punish me, harshly. i don't even want to talk about what i've hawked up after clearing my sinuses.... lets just say that it had more texture than i would have liked, then ANYONE would have liked... it was damn near solid. TMI? my bad... i also read that this is normal during pregnancy, for you to feel like you have silly putty in all of your nasal cavities. so, greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

also, hormones are on high. i cry at commercials, i cried when reading christmas cards, i cry because my clothes are on the floor and i'm too lazy to pick them up. i just cry VERY EASILY and it is annoying as hell. i was already emotional to begin with, but this? this is just stupid. that is all i have to say about that.

also on the pregnancy front, i find that i am perpetually, constantly HUNGRY and hungry for JUNK FOOD! I WANT RIBS! HAMBURGERS! PIZZA! and every once in awhile, a salad. i had some orange juice and an apple today, so that's good right? i had mcdonald's for lunch yesterday, which kind of makes me ill to think about it, since i had CHICKEN MCNUGGETS the night before! and guess what i want for lunch today? MORE MEAT! it is sad... and disgusting. i need some more vegetables in my life. but they just aren't as delicious as juicy, savory, filling, meat. do you see? do you see what this alien has done to my brain? that could have been porno talk if you just read that out of context, but no, i'm talking about getting a gyro or something.... meaty. i'll feel better once i go grocery shopping and get some more healthy crap, but right now, i'm living it up, because i'm poor and i can only afford junk food. it's a damn shame. maybe i'll compromise and get subway....

in any case my beloved 3 readers, i'm alive and well, and been wanting to write, and finally said fuck it, i'm writing on my blog at work. THERE I SAID IT AND DID IT! SO.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

i know, i'm so lame...... baby steps (heh) people, baby steps.

question for you all 3 readers (leetle one, you are excluded, because i've asked you before and you are LAME!): how does one tell there strict, old-fashioned father (who you love to death), that you're pregnant (and unmarried, but ENGAGED)? please help. i gotta do it soon....