clap on!*

So I didn't do the yoga this morning, and that's okay, because I was TY-RED and needed to sleep. I'm still tethered to the computer on stand-by, in case my boss needs me, so yay.

Hate to be redundant, but I really hate anxiety… I cannot see looking at myself in the mirror with gray hairs framing my face, and wrinkles and crevices well established and hopefully well placed on my face, and saying to myself, “God, Michelle! You cannot keep FUCKING UP like this!” I hate worrying about EVERY DECISION I MAKE! I'm slowly learning that some choices are just black and white and not everything is gray. So gray that I need paint swatches to figure out what exactly what kind of gray I'm looking at... and even then, what do I do? I'm learning that I do not have to be neurotic about every, single, little, thing....

The funny thing about growing up is that I know with certainty that there are things that you don’t want to do, like get fired from a job, or drink and drive. Some things I’ve learned from experience and some from watching from afar. But it's the little, nagging things that can blow up into MONUMENTAL! COLOSSAL! CATASTROPHES! I think that is the most important thing that I’ve learned as of late. You can't let the little things go for too long, or else, it WILL come back and bite you in the butt. There are still some nibblers out there, trying to get up there and take a chunk out of my ass (please do by the way, there’s plenty to go ‘round), but I’ve taken care of the major ones. The little scavengers I’ll have to go back and take care of, because that’s all I can do right now, because I unable to kick those little shits to the curb at the moment, and I’m okay with that. That’s the price I have to pay for letting them go too long without taking care of things immediately or when I could have easily. I’m okay with that too… Like the Jay-Z song says, “in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…”

I’m okay with how I’ve lived my life, I think, because otherwise, I would have never gotten to this place of clarity and understanding of what I need to do in order to keep sane and live somewhat happily. Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been baptized by fire, and I’ve been have been burned. It has been so difficult and so dark, but right now, it feels like a switch has been turned on. I’ve seen the light, and I feel so stupid for not seeing the switch the whole damn time. But in my defense, it was dark... and we've all fumbled around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, and thought, "Where is the G.D., muthaf'n, LIGHT SWITCH???!!!" You get all exasperated, and then wander around the room in darkness and go back to where you started, reach out along the wall, and BAM! THERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME! duh.

But hey, at least I found it, so whew! Just wish it hadn't taken me so long, cuz I've got shit TO DO!

Right now I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, and removing the talons and scales from my feet at some point so I can wear my footwear of choice during the weekends, flip flops... Oh how I love thee.... You are the best invention ever, except for when it's raining outside and you get all slick and I end up only walking on half of you because you won't stay under my foot and I end up stepping on a hard, sharp rock... Other than that? You are perfection... I can't wait for us to get aquainted again... You know, that is if the weather around here decides to get itself out of a funk and stop being a stubborn asshole, and act like what it's supposed to... you know SPRING, ALMOST SUMMER! fucker... i stopped shaving my legs last week, because really, what's the point? It's too cold to wear a skirt and my office building engineers think it's appropriate to have the climate control set to ARCTIC GALE FORCE WINDS! So yeah, weather, I need an assist from you.... I'm tired of my fingers being blue....

Well! I'm really excited for my evening to begin... it includes some slightly inebriated rolling around on the floor (yoga), and hanging out in the living room, watching the excitement that is my work e-mail inbox... I KNOW! You are so jealous, right? You totally want my life....

*i totally own a clapper too, because I am a LAZY motherfucker... but we unplugged it, because if you just coughed, all sorts of shit would go on and off... sigh... I still think it's genius though....

y'all....

i just did yoga... at home... on my floor with my new, stinky, yoga mat... it was FUCKIN' AWESOME! i feel so good right now, no shittin'!

yeah, so, i COMPLETELY overreacted and went into hyperdrive, and told myself that my life was coming to an end.... i tend to lean towards being slightly dramatic at times. hey, it runs in the family. i told myself (knew) that it was going to be okay, because i knew that i wouldn't have come this far and worked this hard only to crash and burn. but still, it was scary! and you know, i'm suffering through my monthlies, soooo... things tend to be EXTREMELY exaggerated and i tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive... it sucks.

i apologized to all affected by my madness yesterday, and i made a decision to walk away from it. to walk away from anxiety. i can't do it anymore. i actually felt it affect me physically yesterday, and yo! that shit is NOT COOL! tightness in chest, not cool. dizziness, not cool. racing heartbeat, not cool. i cannot continue to stress like that and stay alive. the two things are not compatible.

so! i grabbed my little one, and headed down to target and used her expertise to help me to select a yoga dvd. cuz i really need some peace, stretchiness, and calm, soothing voices in my life right now. the best part was the end, when you go all gimpy on the floor... just straight immobile. that shit was DOPE! literally and metaphorically... i haven't felt that chill or that peaceful in AGES. my back's all loose and tingly, and all i want to do is fall asleep with a smile on my face, and press play on the AM version in the morning.

y'all...

whatever you're going through right now, just know that you can always be surprised. just when you think the end is nigh, a new beginning pops up out of nowhere. just when you thought that it couldn't get any! worse! it gets all fantastic and shit. even if the source of joy is just laying on the floor, and experiencing a sudden and sharp reminder of where your hamstrings are, the real prize is being able to just breathe in.... and breathe out. over and over again...

TORTURE

is what i'm going through right now. if i'm going to be honest with this blogging thing, i gotta do what i gotta do. i stayed away because shit was still fucked up and i didn't want this to become a doom and gloom, constantly in despair type of thing.... but FUCK! i gotta let some stuff off of my chest.

welp, for starters, i'm in a very precarious place at my job, and well, it just sucks. i just get over and through what i thought was the worst part and now there is a new black cloud in the horizon. and it is a HUGE unknown... best part, we find out the answers first thing tomorrow morning! the anxiety is crippling.

next best part, we are currently writing a proposal that is, you know, basically for our jobs. we are currently the long standing incumbents for a particular client, and our shit went up for rebid. i have worked the last at least 40 overtime hours in the last 6 days, and that includes 2 full days over the weekend. i am STRESSED AS FUCK!!!

then my parents are out of town and my sister and i are responsible for "looking after" the house. that means driving 26 miles one way, or 52 miles round trip, to my parents' house every 3-4 days. i drive a car that requires premium (plus) grade gas.... you do the fucking math.

sweetcakes and i just bickered... my little one is was just fighting on the phone with her S.O., and i'm on my period, with a weird muscle spasm-y thing on my left side, just under my bra on the side of my ribs... am i having a heart attack? i certainly hope the fuck not. but it's just tight and generally annoying... the stress... the stress....... THE MOTHERFUCKING STRESS!!!

i'm keeping it together, but it is SO hard... i want to cry but i can't, i just want to step off the world, but i can't, i want to stay home and have a mental health day, but i can't, i want to win $50B and leave all this bullshit behind, but that is never going to happen... i just want out of this madness right now... not life itself, but my life's current situation. i just want to fast forward to the older, wiser part, and dispense my sage advice to young whippersnappers who are at my age/crisis point right now... letting them know that it will all turn out in the end, just look at me!

lawd have mercy y'all.... for reals. i need it. i want to get to the older, wiser part, and know that i was strong enough to get through this, and that i wasn't that much of a fuck-up at the time, and not have to have a menstrual cycle that causes my hormones and anxiety to jump into severe hyperdrive. i want to be the old lady sipping green tea while wearing my birkenstocks and worn-in gardening jeans, on my back deck/patio, while sweetcakes putters around the yard with the lawnmower... i want to know that i have what it takes... that it will be okay.... and that i made it.

solemn

i still have a hurdle of anxiety i need to jump. the occasion for it's resolution occurs tomorrow. i'm SO tired of drama y'all. seriously, i'm growing weary.

mike went to the hospital, via ambulance today, so welp, that was awesome. he's okay, it's a gastrointestinal infection, and he's home, but lawd, the drama, the DRAMA! it did not add too many points to my scale of well-being today. in fact, it made the levels drop a bit. i was at work and helpless to do anything, because i couldn't leave work. i wasn't happy about it, and wasn't happy leaving it all to his mother. i don't think i need to explain why, it just didn't feel good. she's not a bad person, i just felt inadequate.

i saw some of my girlfriends tonight, so that was cool. we had a few drinks, and somehow i ended up walking out of the bar without a bill. i have awesome friends.

so tomorrow, my final hurdle to cross before i can finally see a clear horizon. i'm praying and i am all nerves. i can't be too flippant about things in my life. it has never worked out in my advantage, so i take EVERYTHING seriously. so, i hope and pray with all my might, that tomorrow will just only provide a little jostle, and that i continue to can move on with trying to figure things out, without having to COMPLETELY regroup. all i have to say is PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSE!

whew, enough of that.

to tomorrow and the future.

amen.

ouch

you know, nursing a sick person back to health costs money. every time i go to buy something, i feel like a gambler. i'm like, "come on! mama needs $14.44!!" i pray that it clears....i've bought so much crap, probably gallons of gatorade, alka seltzer, chamomile tea, valerian root capsules, emetrol, saltines, lysol, clorox wipes, etc., etc. whew, i am POOR! i really hope and pray he gets better soon. like tomorrow.

the thing that really sucks, is that because he doesn't have health insurance, we would probably have to pay out of pocket for treatment. we don't have those funds... so his mother, has volunteered if he really needs to go. yeah, that's making me feel so awesome. it's not that his mother is a horrible person, and that i dread this, but i feel horrible that i'm not able to take care of him on my own. it sucks to have to reach out to the parents.

my hands are dry from washing them constantly, and i have found that the scent of crisp linen lysol isn't so bad, as long as you don't walk into it with your mouth open. and i can now eat bacon and sausage while listening to someone violently empty the contents of their stomach. i don't know how that will come into handy in the future, but it might! like if i enter a bacon and strawberry milkshake eating/drinking contest. if i can get past the sound of everyone else hurling, i can DO IT! and i now know that emetrol, which is for babies, may or may not help adults with nausea. i can take the emetrol if the bacon and strawberry milkshakes aren't going down to well.... i will dominate! if not, then everything that comes up will be a violent shade of pink.

i've been calling his mother to give her updates and just sitting out front, medicating myself with beverages containing varying levels of alcohol content. i guess that's pretty stupid, especially if he needs to go to the hospital, but hey, i'm stressed to the max and i'm living it up! lawd have mercy, y'all. i am just tired.

i miss my fiance who is in quarantine, which he has been placed on by me, because i can't miss work. i am kind of loving my job, because it is paying my bills, but i am so very bored by it. and we temporarily have a guy with a severe case of dumb ass who is filling in for our customer while he's in school. he randomly sends out e-mails and tells you to handle it, and provides no history. when you go to ask him about what he just sent, he asks you if he has his shoes on the right feet. he doesn't have two right feet, he's just asking for confirmation as to whether the curvy part on the inside of the shoe matches with the inside of your feet. i'm this close to getting a fat-ass marks-a-lot and putting a "L" and an "R" on the appropriate shoes. and then mixing it up, to see if he can tell the difference (i doubt it) that, and pinning/stringing his mittens together and pinning a note to his teacher on his coat to tell him that this motherfucker is stoop-id. and to please forgive the clomping, but i can't get this dumb fuck to remember the difference between left and right, let alone putting his shoes on the right feet, and wearing a PAIR of shoes at once. not a wooden clog and a sneaker.....

so, maybe i'm exaggerating a little, but i'm not lying when i tell you he sends e-mails to people, with the same attachments that were sent to him, and asks people to print them out and submit them to review. let's all say it together now.... wwwwwwwoooooooooooowwwwww! yeah, it's been T-riffic! i jest (not really), but i need my job, so i'm grateful that i can work for someone who probably needs someone to shake his dick after he's taken a piss. he probably also needs assisting with wiping his ass, so it could be worse. i could be his wife or a home-aid nurse..... moving on... jeesh, can you tell i'm on edge?

despite all this tedium and difficulty, i have seen some funny shit. for instance, i saw this girl running across the bridge, across the tidal basin, and i guess her boob engineering/support wasn't doing the job. she kept making faces, and tenderly touching or, depending on your threshold for pain, sharply jabbing her under-boob area, as she ran. i was almost expecting her to smell her fingers "superstar!" style. it was comic gold, because i couldn't figure out how three fingers being constantly jabbed into your underbreast, on both sides, was going to solve the problem. in fact, i think it would exacerbate the issue, you know, with the PAIN and shit....but, whatever, it wasn't me, and i wasn't the asshat jogging around DC letting everyone know that i like to jab my boobies sharply with my fingers, and, also letting everyone know that i'm not intelligent enough to buy a proper sports bra. that works. she was a b-cup max, people.... it was sad....i can only imagine her ad on craigslist....

so, everybody, please send prayers, thoughts, and hope our way. we need it, and i really hope sweetcakes is just suffering from a virus and nothing more serious. let's hope sweetcakes has a good night of sleep and that i can get back into my bedroom in the near future. because, the futon is really doing nothing for my back. and i miss my baby. i'm even scared to kiss him because i can't afford to miss work. for both of us.

meeeeeehhhhhhh. and happy monday everyone. here's to a better week (taking a sip of cocktail)!!!

road rash

you know, i've found over the past few months that just when you think it can't get worse, it does. but i'm okay. i've nailed down a few things, things that i've had to make certainties. there are things that i've had to establish in order to keep my sanity. it really has not been easy.

some things have gotten better and improved, but it's always what's right around the corner that scares me. right now, two of my very good friends face a very uncertain future, and i'm so very sad and scared for them. it affects my whole circle of friends, and we've all been pretty upset. then just to add insult to injury, as we're all coming to grips with what will be a very different future, sweetcakes is in the bed with a HORRIBLE stomach virus. i have some chicken broth and noodles on the stove in case he's feeling brave enough. he hasn't been able to keep anything down and so very uncomfortable.

money's tight right now, and well, right now sweetcakes doesn't have health insurance. going to an emergency room or urgent care center would be very costly. also, they wouldn't be able to do much about a virus. i did some research on the interwebs and talked to the pharmacist at cvs, and my mother, and all said he's just going to have to suffer. meh. it' s so awesome to hear him hurling into a trash bag every 2-3 hours. i got him some unisom so he can sleep, he hasn't been able since friday night. let's hope for the best.

i'm here, i'm present, i'm on autopilot. all i do is hope and pray and rely on faith. that's all i can do right now, and it's very humbling. so, i give my all to my faith, and lean on it. and by faith, i mean in every sense of the word. i have faith that everything will be alright. i just have to be patient and learn all that i can from this period in my life. i know things will get better, and i also know that as i ride down this road before me, there's always going to be a chance for injury. it stings, it burns, it can leave scars. but, as long as i have all my parts intact, i'll be okay.

AWOL

so sorry.... for the 3 of you who read me. life has been a bitch lately and i'm doing all that i can not to lose my shit. once the dust settles, which should be later this week i'll stop by and say what's up. hope all is well for everyone else.